Running towards something…

I don’t like sharing anecdotes of the past major relationship I was in, but I’m remembering the conversation we had when he (said ex) got off the plane in Orlando (where we were at the time) after a trip to Chicago to see his business partner (herein after referred to as “M”) and his wife.  He almost had tears in his eyes when he said the entire weekend away was just so positive.  The joke about him taking the trip to Chicago and going back to Florida with a desire to move up there was suddenly more than a joke - it needed to become reality if for no other reason than Chicago was this positive-thinking utopia and we both felt surrounded by negativity in Florida.

M called me after I sent out my mass text to everyone about being let go from my job.  He gave me several compliments about me being strong and how he felt something huge was going to happen for me in Maui.  “Maybe you’ll be running that marathon and trip,”(he knows me well, apparently), “and right there is going to be this man who will catch you.  Your Mr. Right could be training for this exact same thing right now and it’s going to take going out there to find him.  Maui is going to be a good thing for you.”  I probably botched the exact quote, but it was the gist of what he was saying. 

So, I’m over here in Seattle and most of the time has been spent just lounging around with mom - eating foods I grew up on - and basically thinking about what I am going to walk into in another day and a half.  I think about going back to Chicago and I want to cry because I’m so scared.  The last time I was unemployed I ended up two months behind on rent, racking up credit card debt just to keep the utilities on, and while I stayed medicated - they cost me double because I was without insurance.  What if I can’t get a job right away again?  I was bailed out last time due to generosity from a family friend, but that’s not an option again.  I cannot afford to be unemployed.  Period.

And the interview out here didn’t happen because I had an issue with my Amex card - for some reason it told me I had credit and they said a payment never went through.  I sat at the Alamo counter in Seattle for 2 hours until I finally called Amex one more time and they pulled some string and I was able to drive off - in a car with Illinois plates.  I took it as a sign that moving out here (Seattle) is not what is meant to be.

Here I sit… it’s 11:30 on Saturday night and while talking to Andrea for two seconds earlier I started crying because while I am trying so SO hard to remember the positive encouragement M gave me, and how Chicago is this Utopian place that I really want to stay in and make it work for me… I just cannot fathom how I can make it happen.

I’m two seconds away from a breakdown, I think.  I saw this lay-off coming and I thought I was prepared for it but truth is… even with all the preparation in the world, when those words, “we have to let you go” were heard, everything changed.

One of the major fights the same ex and I had over and over was about a need for change.  It’s funny now when I think of the person I was a year ago, and who I am now, they’re totally different people.  I’ve been through so much change over the past year…  And especially lately, things change way too fast. All I really long for is some stability in one form or another.

I hope M is right about Maui. 

We had a “State of the Union” meeting at my day job last Friday that left the impression that our jobs were on the line.  Honestly, I’ve been looking ever since I found out we couldn’t afford to buy paper towels because we owed money to every office supply company in existence.  But today the ax came down on myself and 6 other employees (there were about 12 people in the office total).

 Anyhow, how and if this affects Maui, who knows.  I’m honestly a little numb and almost manic about the news.  I haven’t cried, and I have the sense enough to not take my friends up on their invitations to go drinking this evening.

In other news, I am going to Seattle to see my mom for the first time since I moved to Chicago (about 3.5 years ago) this Friday.  While there, I’ll also see my sister, who I haven’t seen since I left Seattle (almost 9 years ago), and I’ll get to meet my nephew for the first time (he’ll be 5 this year).  IN ADDITION to all that, after the meeting last Friday, the first thing I did was look up Contract Furniture Dealerships in Seattle, and I just got a phone call back from them 5 minutes ago. 

Perhaps this is what is meant to be.  I don’t know if I’m honestly ready to leave Chicago because I finally feel at home here and I built up such a base of friends for myself that have been so stellar… but the universe has funny ways of working itself out.

It’s time to listen to some Gloria Gaynor - I will survive.

How do you deal with the people who flat out say to your face, “you’re never going to actually finish that marathon, you know that, don’t you?” 

Considering how out of character this is for me, and how flighty I tend to be with my grand ideas, I really have not had to deal with this - until now.  Over the weekend, the same person, 2-3 comments all related to the one above.  Now, I can take a certain amount of it as joking, but after a while it just sort of burns me up.  I think at one point I finally said, “Look, when my fat ass is crossing that finish line at 26.2 and your black lungs can’t get up a flight of stairs, we’ll talk about this.” 

I’m exaggerating.  I know it didn’t come out so harsh, but in my head… that’s how it sounded.

So, have you told the world you’re running?  Is everyone supportive?  Do  you ever just want to punch someone in the nose for reasons other than them saying you can’t run a marathon? 

I got my baby today:

She came all the way from China!  I keep showing off her little engraving to people here at work, and I’ve been using her headphones in the dinosaur today since there isn’t any music on her yet.

Which begs the question:

How can I make sure when I plug in my Nano that I don’t lose the 7+gigs of music I have on my computer and only select which songs in particular I want on my Nano?  The Nano will only hold 2gig, which is plenty for running, but I don’t want to be suddenly out of more than half my music.  (Though, certain people - kofandikof, might consider that to be a good thing!)

Anyhow, can’t wait to get home, hook this puppy up to the Nike Chip and hit the trail tonight to see just how pathetic my runs are!!

So I wake up at 6:15 this morning and I’m inspired to go on the lakefront. 

I decide I should give my bike a try, seeing as how it’s been sitting outside on the fire escape all winter and I don’t even know if it will work anymore.  I first have trouble finding the key for the lock on my bike, as it’s suddenly not on my keyring anymore.  Lucky for me, I put it somewhere obvious and headed out to get my wheels.  The lock was a little sticky, but I managed to get it undone and not drop my keys.  However, I turn to get myself back in and of course, I’m locked out, on the scary fire escape.  I knock a little on the window, with the vague hope someone will hear me but no dice.  I go to the second floor and thankfully there’s someone in the hallway and he lets me in.   I still feel like a bit of a jackass.

Anyhow, I went on the trail and I realized something about my bike-riding skills: I bike like I’m drunk.  I can’t stay in a straight line to save my life and were there more people out, or were I trying to ride my bike later this afternoon when it’ll really be amazing outside, I’d probably be run over.

So far today we’re at 2 miles on the bike, clean sheets on my bed, one phone call to my dad, and I’ve written this post.  I’d say it’s an improvement, no?

(Oh, and title of this post relates to the part of my body most sore after riding my bike.)

It’s all McNurse’s fault. He told me about the damn Nike Chip, which I had to go out and buy as soon as I understood how the heck it worked.  (He thinks once I get using the chip he’s going to compete against me running, I think he’s effin insane… the man runs a 9:30 pace!)  Of course, as previously stated, the stupid chip wouldn’t work with my dinosaur of a 20gig iPod, so I needed a Nano.  I was at least smart, and knowing how little money I have, I only ordered the 2gig Nano.  I figured that with 500 songs, that’s 40 hours of music and I can only run the marathon for 8 so I’m set.  I even had it specially engraved to further encourage me:

26.2 miles, Maui 2007
You CAN do this…

And, after seeing he took his bike out today, I’m thinking I need to do the same myself.  From my little cabbie accident the other day, it was suggested I not run on it for a week, or until it was at least feeling better.  It’s supposed to be crazy nice this weekend though, so I think I might just have to suck it up and get out there on the trail anyway.

Quick, 2 second update. 

As if falling on my knees weren’t enough, this morning I was in a cab that got hit by another cab and I went flying straight into the barrier between the front and back seat - knee-first. 

Thank goodness for those pain meds the doctor gave me for my back before because not only does that hurt, but my effin knee is throbbing.

Fun times in the city, eh?

I came to a conclusion earlier in the week: There is not much in my life that is stable right now.  My main job has pressures I can’t disclose in a public forum, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to pick up the second job for the summer semester because they haven’t made decisions on classes yet, and because those two money-making things are a little iffy, it makes my apartment not so stable in that there’s this little thing called rent that keeps eating away at my paycheck.

And let’s not even begin to discuss the roller-coaster that is my dating life.

All things considered, I brought this up to my therapist (because I felt that unstable a few weeks ago that I thought I’d give the whole talking to someonea go… and it’s funny that when one person admits they go to therapy, a whole slew of other people come out of the woodwork with their own experiences.).  ANYHOW, therapist, lack of stability… I told him my plans for running the marathon, I told him I started a blog to keep myself accountable, and in particular I told him about this comment “David” left on one of my previous posts about advice he got for moving:

It is absolutely fine to decide not to train. It is fine to make this decision every day, he told me, even for the rest of your life.

However>
a) it must be a decision. You must say: I choose NOT to move today.
(he uses the word ‘move’, rather than training or *yucky* exercise)
b) you only make this decision when you are actually in the gym/on the road/in the pool/on the bike…and not before.

So, I’m trying to use this advice as a means to get myself out on the trail more often.  The weather this past week was disgusting (snow, freezing rain, wind), but this week is looking nicer - and it certainly was nice to be out for the hour I walked on the lake tonight.  It wasn’t super fast, I did throw in a few little jogs, but it felt amazing to just be out there.

This marathon is a set date.  My flight is at a set time.  If anything, this marathon IS my stability so I really ought to be taking full advantage of it and perhaps it will help me get over the rest of the work/money/men stress.  It certainly can’t hurt to try.

Oh, and PS… I bought the Nike + iPod Sport Kit with the hopes that it would work with my dinosaur of an iPod, but alas… it will only work with the Nano.  Which, I should bite the bullet and get the Nano soon anyhow because it will hold a charge for the length of the marathon, where as mine certainly won’t.. and mine has a hard drive.. blah blah blah.   I was all crazy excited about this little chippy thing too.  It will be just as cool when I can afford the Nano - this is what I keep reminding myself.

I’ve always been a person to take the easy way out.  If I didn’t want to do something, I pretty much just didn’t do it - no matter how much trouble I’d get in.  This, I realize, is a pretty negative habit.

I dropped out of High School - this is no secret.  I attempted college several times between the ages of 18 and 25 and I just didn’t want to do it.  One day, while sitting at my desk, working on some mind-numbing task, I realized I wanted more to life.  I never wanted to be a statistic, and I figured in order to cancel out that whole ‘High-school-dropout’ thing, I really ought to get a college degree.

So I did. 

Ok, it wasn’t as simple as that sounds.  There were choices to make, and things were sacrificed, and drastic changes were made to my life, but I did it.  Last august I graduated college with a BFA. 

So now I sit here with another goal on my shoulders, and I’m trying like hell to figure out how I’m going to do this without letting my brain talk myself out of it.  This goal doesn’t involve me sitting in a classroom learning about AutoCAD, or rendering a floorplan to 1/4″ scale.  This goal involves me getting off my ass, getting outside, and going from point A all the way to point Z.2 miles.  Look at this picture:

That tallest building in the center-ish you can see is the John Hancock building.  I was about 3 miles away from this during my jog (yes, I said jog) today and I thought to myself, “How on earth could I make it that far, times 8 and then some??” It’s no joke that I’m scared.  That I feel like I’ve set myself up for failure - but I keep trying to remind myself that when everyone heard I was entering a 4 year school they thought there was no way I was ever going to finish.  At least, I think that’s what they thought.

And now I feel like I’ve talked so much, and I want to do this for a good cause, and there are so many people who HAVE done this before that it would be downright stupid of me to not go through with it. 

So I will.  And someday, hopefully soon, I will laugh at the above photo and remember when I thought 3 miles was a long way to go on two feet.

I just got a call from Corri, my married friend who signed up to run the marathon in Maui with me.  She’s got “ankle issues” (she gave me more detail than that, but… that’s a good summary) which are going to require surgery. 

Surgery that will have a 3 month recovery time, meaning Maui is out of the question… She can defer her entrance fee to next year, so perhaps if I’m crazy enough to attempt this again - or if I can swing another trip to Maui where I don’t have to run, the C & A Maui Experience can happen in 2008.

But for 2007…I’m on my own.

(I’m so sorry Corri!)