Running towards something…

I feel like posting in bullet form today, so here goes:

•  I checked to make sure I was still registered to vote, and I’m listed as “inactive”.  I called to ask what this meant and they said I can vote, I just have to go over to my old ‘hood and then fill out a form with my new address.  I’m excited for next Tuesday’s primary!
• Rideshare dude called me today at 5am and asked if I wanted a ride to work with him since he was heading in early because he has to leave today at 3.  I figured 45 minutes in a car was better than 2 hours split on a bus, train, bus, so I took him up on it.
• When I left my apartment I noticed my neighbor had left their keys in their door.  Even though it was 5:30 in the morning I knocked (lightly) and he opened the door groggy-eyed and thanked me profusely when I pointed the keys out to him.
• While waiting for Rideshare dude at the local Walgreens, there was a guy in the parking lot in an SUV blasting Britney Spears - according to the manager inside he had been out there for over an hour and hadn’t moved.  They had just called 911 when I left.
• I have a date on Monday.  I’m not elaborating much because I’m being indifferent about it - dating is exhausting though, so I am hoping it goes well.  I will say that someone told me that I should think of a different nickname for date guy other than “BM” (Black Man) because it could be mistaken for “Bowel Movement”. 
• Y’all really don’t have to buy me yarn… but Silk Garden really is on my wishlist.
• And finally - SEASON PREMIERE OF LOST TONIGHT!!  The best 9 weeks ever starts tonight!!!

I’m just throwing this out there for anyone who mightwant to buy one of your fellow bloggers a birthday gift…  I’m seriously itching to try Noro Silk Garden and ever since I saw someone at knitting group making squares for a blanket for herself… well, it’s all I can think about.   Since the blanket is all about being a little different, I really would only need a skein to get it started… the whole point of it is to be a little random - the fact that it’s all the same fiber would bring it all together.   How you would actually get the yarn to me would involve me handing out my address, and I think I can tell which of you are stalkers and which aren’t… so if you want to like, “surprise me” with some nice yarn, just ask for the addy.

 Anyhow.  Now I have a nostalgic story.

I thought back the other day to my first dance.  I believe it was in 7th grade, and I had this image in my head of how it would be… perhaps I saw too many movies with dances in them (Pretty in Pink, Grease) that helped create this notion, but either way, I was SURE that the boys were finally going to notice me when I showed up in my beautiful white with black polka-dots dress that had a ruffled skirt and my new black shoes. 

I wasn’t a popular kid in school.  I think I was one step up from the girl who ate her braids and the other kids who took half normal classes and half “special” classes.  I’m not implying that I was stupid - I just didn’t have the financial backing that the other kids in this high-class school did and when your popularity is based on if you actually have the little blue “Keds” tag on the back of your white tennis shoes, or if you’re wearing a Hypercolor shirt… well, you end up where I did which was low on the totem pole.

So I guess in some ways, it was normal that I showed up to the dance in this dress while everyone else was wearing jeans, Keds, and Hypercolor.  I think I stood in the cafeteria for about 15 minutes before I felt all eyes on me and I ran into the bathroom.  It was in there that I started to cry.

My friends came in to comfort me and then when rumor got out to the dance floor, some of the more popular girls actually came into the bathroom.  My first instinct was that they were coming to laugh at me (heh… They’re all going to laugh at you!), but in reality, they were trying to tell me it was ok - no one really cared.  It WAS a pretty dress and they complimented me on how I looked. 

And then, fear of fears, a BOY got wind of the drama in the girl’s room and rules be damned, he walked right in.  I saw his face and my eyes widened.  I retreated back into my stall and told him to get out. 

My memory gets a little fuzzy here - either he came in the stall too, or he finally coaxed me out into where the sinks were and told me there was nothing to be afraid of… he even offered to dance with me, which was something none of the other kids were even doing out there.

I eventually came out of the bathroom, got over my humiliation, and had a blast for the rest of the evening.  I remember at one point noticing another girl wearing a dress who had the same scared look I did and I think I got her dancing too…

So to summarize, my first dance did have a movie-moment feel to it, just in a very unexpected way. Said boy who got me to finally come out of the bathroom is the latest target of my never-ending search to find everyone I’ve ever met on the internet somewhere.

A friend of mine called me at 6:30am to tell me that New Kids on the Block were going back on tour, but was disappointed that I already knew this AND signed up for the mailing list two days ago.

I am so stoked about this, you have NO idea.  Dude, I had 3 of the dolls: Jon, Jordan and Joey.  And, yes, Jon was my favorite.  I hope he’s on the tour as well because otherwise it just wouldn’t be the same.

Oh, and here’s one of the announcements:

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20174022,00.html

How do you feel about scales?  Not the kind on fish, but the kind you step on and either occasionally or all the time gasp as a number flashes across it?

This topic is so different for each person.  I know people who don’t own scales and never weigh themselves except for an occasional time at the gym or grocery store.  Then, there are other people I know who have been requested by their therapist to get rid of at least 3 of the 4 scales they have in their house because it is not doing anything for their eating disorder(s). 

Starting with January 2nd, I decided I was going on a strict, once-per-week weigh-in with myself.  Not because I had an addiction to weighing in, it was actually quite opposite - I so rarely weighed myself but then wondered why the hell a certain pair of pants would suddenly not fit.  When I saw the numbers, it explained quite a bit.

So I weigh in every Wednesday.  The rules I gave myself are this: Before showering, after peeing, while naked. I’ve made a grid from an obscene number (which, I am happy to report was actually about 10lbs heavier than I am… I was worried I had aimed too low), down to something like 140, which is what most charts tell me my “healthy” weight is.  (I can honestly say I do not recall the last time I weighed 140lbs, even when I was thin.) Thanks to the wonderful technology (MS Paint) I can show you a digital recreation of what my chart looks like at home, without numbers:

So, as you can see, between the 2nd and the 9th, I went down 2lbs.  I gained them back on the 16th and kept them on for the 23rd.  Meaning, I have made no progress what-so-ever in losing weight.  (Not that I’ve really made an effort either…)

What really struck me about this little experiment is how simple it seems like it would be to look at weight loss in smaller increments instead of a big picture.  To say, “I need to lose 70lbs” is daunting, but to say, “If I lost 2lbs a week I could be down to my goal weight by August..” well, I don’t know about you, but that sounds much more do-able to me!

…except for that hold steady at a current weight bit.  Obviously something needs to change - doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if I threw in some exercising in there that I could drop those 2lbs again, but there’s more to it.  The whole food thing.  I can try to explain my eating habits, but as I pen them down they sound like excuses and they probably are.

I guess my point is that I’d like to lose those 2lbs again, and have my little chart look like a big hill at the end of the year, rather than a straight line.

Speaking of planning, I’m trying to figure out what to do with my vacation time this year.

The plus side of starting work before January 1 is that sometime in June or July I’ll get 2 weeks vacation that have to be used by the end of the year.  I’m determined to spend one of the holidays with family so that I don’t fall into the pit of depression I never think I will fall into but always do…  But there’s a whole summer…

Now, I should be planning Maui 2008.  Over a year ago I said I wanted to run a marathon before I turned 30 and failed.  Then I said I wanted to run a marathon while I was 30, and I’m already planning on failing that one.  It’s not that I don’t want to run a marathon, or that I’ve given up on the dream of it… It just doesn’t feel right this time.  It felt right when I was planning it last year.  Therefore I’m putting it on record that my marathon plans are officially on hold.

My idea right now is a trip to New England.  Not just New England to see family, but a trip to Cape Cod.  I have never, in all my 30 years, set foot on The Cape.  Hell, it wasn’t until 6 years ago that I actually explored Boston.  When you grow up in Massachusetts and move away when you’re young, your visits back to the state involve (as they should) visiting family as priority #1.  So, I figure if I give myself a week to spend over yonder coast, I can spend half the time with the family, and the other half exploring bits I have yet to see. 

I don’t know how possible it is, but I want to go to the very very tip of The Cape. 

See that bit right there that points to Provincetown Harbor?  Right there.  I imagine this will involve a very long walk, but… hey, this is good in lieu of a marathon, right? :)  I wonder if I’d still have cell service out there?

I also think I’ll take a drive through my old stomping grounds in Rhode Island so I can catch up with my friends I’ve recently found again thanks to Myspace.  Lucky for me the states up there are small, so even though I’m planning on going to lots of places in my week, it’s completely do-able. 

Of course, this is all contingent on getting caught up on rent and making some progress with these silly credit cards that are haunting me.  Someday, I will have good credit once again.

I’m trying to plan my 30th Birthday Party. 

I might need to repeat that: I am trying to plan my 30th Birthday Party. 

Thirty?  3-0?  3 Decades?  Wasn’t I just 15 like, yesterday?

My mother told me last night she was trying to remember what she was doing for her 30th Birthday and she remembered she was pregnant with me, so she probably didn’t do much.  I made quite the entrance into the world too… I wasn’t breathing, and my mother lost enough blood to warrant a transfusion which resulted in an allergy to seafood for a long while - I still don’t think she’s forgiven me. 

For my sister’s 30th Birthday I remember we were at Red Lobster (this was in Seattle-ish) and she was sad that they didn’t ask for her ID.  At the time I was working at Olive Garden, which is owned by the same peeps as Red Lobster, and said quite bluntly, “The waiters are trained to not ask for ID if the person looks over 30.” *insert dirty look from sister here*

Let’s see… my dad would have turned 30 a few months after I was born, so I imagine his 30th was spent probably arguing who should change my latest poopy diaper. 

But for me?  I’m turning 30 as a single woman living in a city that is no where near where she grew up or went to school (aside from college of course).  I’ve got a great group of friends - both of the real and internet kind, a roof over my head, and 3 lovable animals who only mildly hold me in contempt.  (I have, however, lost a plant recently… Ava, my ivy, did not like sitting near the window and is all withered and brown.  I didn’t notice until it was too late.)

Anyhow, I’m trying to plan a party - well, a dinner, really.  I’m thinking of it a month in advance because at 30 I have friends who have babies and live in suburbs and need lots of notice for things like going into the city for dinner on a Friday or Saturday night.  I have no earthly idea how many people will show up either, let alone how many people I’ll invite.  Do I want a small, intimate gathering, or do I want to invite everyone I know?

I don’t think I’ll ever end up having a surprise party thrown for me.  I say this because I will obsess and plan this little gathering from now until the day it happens - which leaves little room for someone to do something out of the ordinary.  Maybe I’ll chill out a little in my 30’s and someone can plan a surprise party for my 40th - otherwise, starting March 1, I’ll begin to plan that too.

Anyhow, if anyone has any Chicago area resturant suggestions - I’m all ears.  My original thought was Tapas, but it’s been debated that it might not be a fair way to go for all involved. 

I wonder if anyone else thinks in blogging dialogue?  I’ve been doing this sort of online ranting/spilling since 1997 and I find myself in everyday situations thinking about how I could translate my inner thoughts to the online world.  For example:

This morning I left my house at the unGodly hour I normally do and as I was walking to the bus a cab honked at me.  Instead of thinking, “Yeah buddy, I don’t need a cab,” my inner dialogue went something like this:

I have a love-hate relationship with the cabs in this city.  When I want one, I can never find one.  When I don’t want one, they seek me out.  If I want a cab, I’ll happily raise my arm and flag one down.  If you don’t see the arm and you beep at me, mister cabbie, then I’m going to assume you’re offering a ride pro-bono and if that’s the case, I’ll take it because it’s friggen cold out here!

I didn’t say the dialogue was going to be interesting…

This is one of those times where I’m blogging and hoping for feedback. So, if you read this post at all, please put in your two cents!!

If you have a crush on someone, is it better to keep it as a crush so that you can still keep the mystery afloat, or should you make mention to the person (who might be a bit oblivious) to see if perhaps they could become more than just a crush?

I’ll say that the fact that I’m even crushing on someone has done wonders for my self-esteem because a couple months ago I couldn’t even fathom dating, let alone having a simple crush… but, alas, here I am… I feel like a giggling mess when I talk to him, my heart beats a little faster when I see I have an email from him, and I am so wanting to know everything there is to know about said person.

Is it called a crush though because once you’ve moved beyond that point you have the potential to BE crushed?

Needless to say, I’m not leaving my house for ANYTHING this weekend.  Eff that.

PS.  Last week we had 2 days where it was in the mid-high 50’s and I was able to wear just a big sweater outside.

It takes quite a bit for me to cut someone out of my life, but when I do make the cut, I want it to be completely clean - no loose ends, no ragged edges, just a clean slice and we go our separate ways.

I delete phone numbers out of my phone.  I delete emails from my inbox (because I save every one), I delete chats from yahoo or AIM, or gtalk.  I unfriend on myspace, livejournal, ravelry.  Photos get a little tricky because sometimes you do want to remember there were good bits with a person, so I hang on to a few, but delete a vast majority of the ones that I either feel won’t mean anything to me 6 months down the road, or that really make me cringe to look at.

I get my things back from them, and I return whatever I might have to them.  Sometimes I just don’t give a crap about whatever it is they might have so I write it off.  Sometimes the items are priceless and I’m relentless about getting my stuff back. (Don’t even get me started on what I do when I find out there’s still a utility bill in my name after a year and a half of the break.)

Sometimes, a few months down the road, I might see something that reminds me of them and, if I have something committed to memory like an email address or a phone number, I might drop the person a line.  I’m trying to do this less and less because I’ve noticed that when I do make the break from people they never remind me that I cross their mind from time to time too.  So maybe it’s a petty thing - they don’t call me so why should I call them - but I also think it’s important for the full-on break.  My memory really is the hardest thing to hit a delete button on though. It’s not only the bits that remind me of people fondly, but there’s also those memories that make me so mad that I seem to physically make myself ill in some way - be it anxiety, a stomach ache, or a pounding headache.

My mother thinks this is part of the reason why I ended up in the ER last week.  She thinks the anxiety of losing a friend got me so worked up that I literally thought I was having another Pulmonary Embolism because I couldn’t catch my breath.  The bit of this that fascinates me is this “friend”… when I look at all I had done for her: held her hair back on Christmas Day a few years back after she drank too much because she was new in town and had no one else to spend the day with, forgave her for making out with my then boyfriend at my house, on my sofa, while I was asleep in the next room (I woke up and caught them in the act), spent the night at her home after a bad breakup she had because she couldn’t bear to be alone, brought her medicines when she was going through some really bad medical issues, etc. etc….  I did all these things for her because I was her friend and the one time I asked her to stand up for me, she didn’t. 

I’m not playing the victim here, because I do understand a portion of the events on the evening things became unspokenly (that’s my word) over, were my fault.  I was the one who drank too much this time, and it was my fault for getting sick.  But what really gets my goat is that while I was crying and not wanting to go home to my apartment because I would be alone, she allowed people to belittle me, threaten me, and she just sat there and did not say a single word.

So, I’ve gone through the deletion process, I’ve returned her things and received mine, and this vent?  This will be the last time I talk about her.  The break is now complete for me.