Archive for August, 2008
August 29, 2008 at 12:59 pm
· Filed under life, love
So, I mentioned earlier this week I received a package from amazon and within said package was the first book of the Twilight Series.
I’m officially HOOKED. I haven’t quite finished the first book, but I think I have 3-4 chapters left and it’s done. I was thinking this would be a good book to read on the plane, but it appears that the second book (of which, I have no idea what it’s called (just looked it up, Breaking Dawn)) will be my plane reading.
Also, on rav there are twilight patterns! One that jumped out at me? Socks inspired by the cover of Eclipse(the 3rd book). I think I might just have to make those. Or maybe even better – I’ll modify the pattern and make some fingerless mitts for myself with them! Ohhhh my mind is spinning with ideas! I’m holding off on buying any yarn right now though, as I just joined another 3 month swap so for now, all the yarn I buy will be for someone else.
Anyhow, tonight, I will sit in my apartment with a glass of wine and finish the first book. I am very tempted to go buy the second book this evening, but I will wait – in the interim I can read sTori Telling.
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August 27, 2008 at 10:17 am
· Filed under Chicago, debt, juju
There are technically 2 RSG’s these days – there’s my usual guy I rideshare with, and then on Tuesdays and Thursdays they switch off who drives. I pay accordingly.
My regular RSG called this morning saying he wasn’t feeling well. He said he might show up later on, but in the meantime he was going to see if the other RSG could pick me up. I told him not to worry about it, I’d give him a call myself and told him to feel better.
2nd RSG doesn’t answer when I call, but replies to my text saying, “Sorry, but I’m not going into work either.” Suddenly I’m wondering how I should get to work. The train is going to leave downtown in a little over a half-hour, so if I hauled ass I could throw on some clothes, pull my hair in some sort of messy ponytail and hop in a cab – which is exactly what I did.
I flagged the first cab I saw and asked first if he’d take a card, which he said he would. (All Chicago cabbies are supposedto take cards, but get one in a pissy mood and it doesn’t happen.) Anyhow, I say, “I’m running late and I have a train leaving Union Station at 6:30 – on your mark, get set, go please.” He laughed and took off. He asked a couple times if the route he was taking was ok with me and I said it was great (Most times I’m really appreciative when they ask which way I want to go – sometimes I just have no idea where I’m going, nor do I care which way they go.)
Anyhow, I arrive at the train station and I give him my card, he swipes it, it prints a prelim receipt. He punches in the tip and sends the transaction to the base (or at least that’s what the meter said). Shortly thereafter the meter said a word I hate: DECLINED.
Now, it’s no joke I’m almost always low on cash, but I KNEW I had money in my account. I ask if he can swipe the card again but he says, “You know what.. here’s my address.. go catch your train and MAIL ME YOUR FARE.”
??
Seriously? A Chicago cab driver is just going to let me go without paying a fare and go on good faith that I’ll pay him back? This is unheard of! I have friends who have had problems with their card before and the cab driver literally made her sit there while he called the cops on her. This guy was letting me go. I nearly said, “God bless you,” as I was leaving the cab, but didn’t.
I did, however, immediately buy a thank you card, place a 20$ bill inside it (the fare was $12), and mail it to the address he gave me.
The rest of my morning may have been shit, but this cabbie… he made my day.
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August 26, 2008 at 12:57 pm
· Filed under books, reading
I bit the bullet and bought sTori Telling.
I’m also going to see what all the fuss about Twilight is for.
And, within one week 2 of my friends talked about this Love Languages book. It was tiny enough to give it a read. I hope it’s not hokey like The Secret.
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August 26, 2008 at 9:48 am
· Filed under Chicago, anxiety, dating, daydreaming, family, job stuff, life, love, meditation, pisces, questions, travel, vague, worry
“What do you want?”
A simple question with a very complicated answer. Made even more complicated when you have two different ways you think you want your life to be and the sheer terror of choosing the wrong path leaves you feeling incomplete and uncertain.
In what I am now calling my “therapy sessions” (really they are calls to my bff in Florida), we discussed this whole want business and I came to a couple conclusions:
1. I still have a strong pull to the northeast. When I do imagine my life in the grandest of senses, I’m living somewhere either in Mass or Rhode Island – but within a couple hours of my paternal family.
2. This pull makes me feel guilty in a sense that I’m not feeling a pull to move to the northwest to be with my maternal family. However, I also realize that maybe the reason there isn’t a strong pull is because I am on the phone with my mother on an almost daily basis already and because there is strain with the rest of my family there. It’s not that I don’t want to resolve said strain, but it’s more like it’s just easier to avoid conflict than throw myself into it, if that makes sense.
3. I don’t know what this pull does to what I should be doing with my so-called love-life here in Chicago. If I’m not planning to leave the area for another couple years it would make sense not to get involved with someone, but what if it happens? I mean, it’s super easy to say, “I can’t see you because…”, but could I be turning down experiences I should be having? What if I move to say, Boston, and I’m miserable and want to come back to Chicago?
4. The big answer to “What do you want?” cannot be put into words right now, mostly because of that dual-path thing. In the simplest of terms, one path has me married with children, the other path has me working a fabulous career and traveling the world. It’s not to say there’s not a happy middle, but… one does make the other less likely.
When I said I was seeking clarity and a chance to be introspective on my upcoming trip to Florida, BFF was quick to point out that was exactly what I was looking for last time. What he doesn’t realize is that I FOUND some clarity during my last trip. I realized not all men are scum-sucking pigs and there are men out there who are truly faithful. Hell, if I hadn’t gone to Florida I wouldn’t of had the guts to speak my mind when things needed to be said. I’d still be sitting here, pretending that it’s ok for me to be walked upon.
Maybe this trip will help me solve the answer to the biggest question on the table – What DO I want??
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August 25, 2008 at 8:50 pm
· Filed under dating, life, love
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August 25, 2008 at 7:30 am
· Filed under anxiety, daydreaming, life, love, music, pisces, stupid, worry
The “menstrual girl” entry by Pamie (of pamie.com fame) is still one of my favorite blog reads. I’m not even on this schedule and yet today I feel like a combination of several of the days described.
It might have to do with me having Tori Amos blaring through my ipod at the moment and my desire to bawl my eyes out for no real reason other than just plain old release.
But, go read Pamie’s post… it’s hilarious, and it helped me smile this morning.
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August 22, 2008 at 8:51 am
· Filed under anxiety, dating, daydreaming, life, love, music, pisces, questions
Despite the fact I have Liz Phair singing in my ears at the moment, I still have an old Nelly Furtado song stuck in my head. Ever have one of those moments where you’ve heard a song over and over but suddenly the lyrics make a little more sense?
I’m like a bird,
I’ll only fly away…
I don’t know where my soul is,
I don’t know where my home is…
Hearing this song reminded me of this thing ex-m sent me once from this massive birthday book he has (which, I’ve also been hovering over the ‘1-click-purchase’ button on my amazon wishlist all morning for said book). Anyhow, this book breaks down astrology to the exact day you were born and explains your traits, who you’re compatible with, and what your biggest weaknesses are. I had to go way back in my email archives to find it, but here’s the line that stood out and how it related to Nelly Furtado up there:
Feb 28 people are regarded with deep affection by others, especially since they regard others positively, wish to please and entertain those around them and, moreover, harbor no ulterior motives. They may often find it is difficult to stay committed in their personal relationships, however.
It sort of brings me to another point I wanted to bring up: the difference between someone who cheated once and someone who is a cheat (that deserves a blog alone)… but what does it say about me if I’ve been on the other end of that cheating fence? In otherwords – I’ve been the one who people in committed relationships have come to and in some cases, I’ve given in and been the other woman. Is it a “Pisces thing”, for lack of a better term, that I’ve allowed myself to be the other woman but never THE woman because I cannot commit to anything for too long?
And yet, funny enough, commitment is what I’ve been looking for in someone else.
My mom used to get frustrated with me because I’d be all gung-ho to go somewhere then once we got there I’d start bugging her about where we were going next. My own best friend said to me, “You could be sitting on a patch of the greenest grass ever. It’s a gorgeous day outside. You’re peaceful, grinning, content. A few minutes pass and you start looking around and say, “Hey.. that patch of grass 5 feet away is pretty green.. I should go sit on it.”
You’re lovely but it’s not for sure
That I won’t ever change…
I’m a confused little bird, that’s for sure.
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August 20, 2008 at 1:37 pm
· Filed under Chicago, Maui Marathon, aches & pains, dating, exercise, life, motivation, swimming, weight
Folks, I did the unthinkable: I gave the link to my blog to someone I’m sort-of seeing in an undefined, yet somewhat exclusive sort of way. In other words: it’s complicated but I’m happy. He has a nickname that my friends have heard stories from, but I’ve actually started to call him by his real first name which is a rather big step for me. And we’ll leave it at that.
Anyhow, I mention that because in doing so it sort of forced me to go back and reread some of my older stuff on here to see what kind of picture I might be painting out there to the general masses. Later posts bitch of lack of romance, family crap, and general everyday fluff. Earlier posts have this gung-ho, I am woman – hear me roar attitude towards running a marathon that I had all but forgotten about.
Last week I watched the women’s marathon in the Olympics and became somewhat inspired again. I still have knee issues though, so I decided on Saturday morning to take different inspiration from Michael Phelps and go to the gym for a swim. I mean, any movement at this point is an improvement- especially since I only have 5 months left of a 12 month membership to a gym that I have been to only a handful of times? It was time to go.
So I stopped at my local Walgreens and got some goggles. I figured, hey… if I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna LOOK like I know what I’m doing, right? (I refuse to do a swimcap though… I just can’t bring myself to wear one.) I went in the gym and first tried the pool on the roof. After peering through the window and seeing all around the pool were trixie-looking girls I decided instead to go to the pool in the basement. The 3 lanes were full, but there was one girl in the middle lane who offered to share with me. I thanked her and sat at her lane with my feet in the water at the edge of the deep end of the pool as I adjusted the strap on my new goggles.
Goggle-strap good to go, I hop in the water. I forget an important thing as I do this: Gravity. I wasn’t in the 3′ end of the pool so of course my fat ass immediately gets sucked under water and therefore I end up taking a breath juuuust as my nose hits the water. You know that lovely feeling where you’ve got water up your nose and you wish someone could invent a blowdryer for your lungs? That’s about where I was. I somehow managed to come up for real air, sans water, and not look or sound like a dead seal with my coughing.
Michael Phelps I most certainly am not.
I still managed to keep myself moving in the water for a full 20 minutes. I didn’t swim laps the entire time – I did spend part of the time just simply treading water, but again: it was movement and it was good.
Sunday I moved furniture, did not go to the gym.
Monday was the day I shared my blog and got the inspiration and remembered that someone had told me, “You just have to get out there – once you’re there you can choose not to move if you don’t want to,” and therefore went to the gym anyhow. I didn’t swim for a full 20 minutes, it was about 15 this time, but I did get in a few good laps and capped it all off with 5 minutes in the whirlpool.
Since I have plans for the next 3 evenings I am planning to hit the water aerobics class on Saturday morning if for no other reason than to get some ideas on other exercises I can do in the pool. I found some online, but I think some in-person instruction might be the better way to go. Who knows, maybe I’ll even find a swimming buddy to encourage me to go to the gym more often.
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August 18, 2008 at 8:23 am
· Filed under anxiety, dating, daydreaming, dreams, life, love, pisces
“For a kiss to be really good you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can’t get out of your head so that when your lips finally touch, you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air.
You can’t cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don’t want to. Because when you find that right person to first kiss… it’s everything. “
This Grey’s Anatomy quote is also the same episode where Alex comes up to Izzie in the bar, pulls her back off the bar stool and plants the best movie/tv-show kiss on her – EVER.
I had some bad dreams last night. I miss having someone to comfort me when I wake up barely able to breathe.
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August 15, 2008 at 9:16 am
· Filed under anxiety, dating, daydreaming, family, life, love, motivation, nostalgia, rants, self esteem, vague
I reference my life to lines from Friends all the time. I think it’s part of that whole I am determined to live my life as if it were a romantic comedy thing. Today is no different.
Today I am Chandler Bing. I am the person who can find the least little fault with someone and let it nag me enough to the point where I can’t be around that person anymore. I will not be the old man with a snake, as he was, but instead I fear I will become the old woman with all the cats – and in many ways, I already am.
I told someone this morning that if I reach 40 and I haven’t married then fuck-all: I’m going to register for things I need at the stores I love and I’m going to invite everyone to a large party to celebrate my commitment to myself. This, of course, won’t surprise those people who already disagree with my lifestyle and think I’m already self-indulgent, but fuck them too. Just because I didn’t marry young, just because I can down a bottle of wine on a Friday night if I want to, just because I don’t have children my life is not worthless.
I’ve also said to someone today that I am in a mood… I’m pretty sure I know now where this mood is coming from. It’s that same old nagging thing where I didn’t shut someone up before they told me too much information and I’m aware again that the mere fact that I forgot to take a breath when I was born has altered lives of those around me.
I have happy things going on in my life right now, but for some reason putting the negative out there in black and white (or whatever color scheme this blog is today) is making me feel better, a million times over.
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