Archive for October, 2008

Oh GOD what did I do?

October 29, 2008 at 1:52 pm · Filed under Maui Marathon, Running, aches & pains, exercise, motivation, weight

I called my gym to see if I could set up an appointment with a personal trainer (I may have mentioned this a few times now) and I got an email response yesterday from a person named “PJ”.  I didn’t know if this person was a man or a woman and honestly I wasn’t sure what I was holding out for.   My gym is a little posh so I think it will be humiliating on SOME level no matter who it is – be it a hot guy or a hot girl.

Anyhow, PJ (which totally needs a creative acronym for something sadistic – seriously… it might mean the difference between me getting through this and me NOT getting through this.  I beg of you to comment with something clever!), sent an email asking what my goals were and what I hoped to get out of personal training.   I wanted to be up front and honest without flat out telling how much I weigh, because once PJ sees me in person I’m sure the first thing I’ll have to do is get on a scale.  I sent this in response:

My goals/reasons for hiring a personal trainer:
 
1. I do better with appointments.  I’ve had my membership at **** for nearly a year now and I could count maybe on one hand how many times I’ve been.  It’s quite an expensive donation, if you ask me.  I’d like to have it feel less like a donation and more like something I could actually enjoy paying for!
 
2. Weight Loss – I’ve got a family photo coming up next month and I’m DREADING it.  I know there isn’t much that can happen in a month, but if I’m at least on the PATH to where I used to be, that would be excellent.
 
3. I have some knee issues – the only way I can really describe it is they sound crunchy.  One doctor told me I simply needed to lose weight, another wanted me to get x-rays (and I’ll be honest, I haven’t done either!)
 
4. Ultimately, I want to be healthy enough to run a marathon before I turn 35.  I’ll be 31 in February.

Well, PJ just called me back.

PJ is a woman.

PJ sounds like a very perky woman.

I imagine the face I made when I heard her voice was similar to one Jen Lancaster might have made when she set up her first appointment with her trainer, Barbie.

I’m afraid.  Very, very afraid.

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Let’s seize this day!

October 28, 2008 at 9:17 am · Filed under Maui Marathon, baking, exercise, life, motivation, volunteering, weight

I met “Morrie” last night.  Morrie, from here on out, is what you will know my Senior Citizen that I am Friendly Visiting as.

Morrie isn’t quite homebound, but he is lonely in that his wife is mentally ill, in a nursing home, and therefore he is alone all the time.  Morrie is also an amazing, AMAZING painter.  He showed me a half dozen things he has painted and I just stood there in awe.  On top of it all, aside from a drawing class he took in high school many moons ago, he is otherwise self-taught! 

I’m really going to enjoy getting to know him!

Tonight when I get home I’m going to do something unprecedented: I’m going to bake cupcakes.  Two different kinds, at that!  Of course, before I can make said cupcakes I have to first do my dishes and put them all away properly so I can use the 18″ of counter space I have to do all the baking a decorating on.

I hope to take photos of this momentus occasion.  It’s not that I can’t bake or cook, it’s really just that my kitchen is so ridiculously tiny that I rarely spend time in there.  However, I was deeply offended when someone came to my house once and called my kitchen “scary” – it was even CLEAN at that time (well, maybe aside from a couple dishes)..  my point is, it wasn’t scary to them because of the mess, more that things in there are old and whatnot.  I think it was just one of those moments where it’s ok for you to make fun of something of your own, but if anyone else thinks it’s crap?  Well, they’re just being an asshat.

What else, what else… I think that’s it… OH!  Other than the fact that I am trying to hire a personal trainer through my gym.  Again, I do better with “appointments”, so if I’ve got one with someone at my gym who will help me get into a good exercise regimine I might actually GO to my gym instead of just donating money to them every month.  Maui 2010, anyone?

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Kicked off my shoes, shut reason out.

October 22, 2008 at 1:37 pm · Filed under Uncategorized

Spoke to a woman in New York who handles personal shopping for Tiffany in their New York office.  She looked for my ring, THE ring I have been wanting for so very long now, and told me that 1, since it’s discontinued and 2, since they aren’t showing any inventory at all nationally that all products have probably been sent back to wherever they make the jewelry and melted down to make other products.  

Really… who says that to people?! 

I’ve looked on ebay, and of course if I google-search I come up with the ring here and there, but a vast majority of what I find are either people boasting about how they got the ring as a gift, or they are knock-off sites.  I refuse to buy knock-off Tiffany.  Hell, I refuse to buy knock-off most anything.

And this probably sounds so silly to everyone else, but really… if I am to buy a small something for myself with a portion of this money, it should be jewelry. 

 

So, for now I wait… I can’t buy it tomorrow anyhow, but I’d at least like to know the possibility is there.

The good news is my rent is caught up, my utilities (except for one) are paid in full, and my budget goals have a much stronger chance of coming to fruition now.   Who knows, in 20 months, I might look like this girl…  One can only hope, right?

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Knit-a-versary

October 21, 2008 at 2:01 pm · Filed under knitting

A year ago, on this date, Andrea Andi (still getting used to calling her that) and I went to a Starbucks in Uptown and met Beth.  It was the first meeting of the Uptown Knitting Group and a year later it’s ridiculous sometimes how many people show up to knit on a Sunday.

The group as a whole is skipping Starbucks on Sunday to meet at our favorite little gay bar to knit, drink, and partake of a free buffet at 4pm.  Because I can’t let anything just pass by, Beth, Andi and I are going to our favorite big Irish bar to drink Guinness and Strongbow and be merry.

A vast majority of this group is awesome on so many levels.  We have a few sour grapes, but so far they haven’t spoiled the fun of meeting up on Sundays.  It just makes for the whole experience to be a little more… colorful, if you will.

Happy Knitgroup-a-versary to me… :)

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Ain’t that a bitch.

October 20, 2008 at 4:02 pm · Filed under life

It would figure that the second I am able to afford the ring I have been eyeballing at Tiffany for the past couple years I would find out that it is discontinued.

Motherfucker.

I don’t even care how much I’m cursing right now.

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You give yourself away.

October 19, 2008 at 8:45 pm · Filed under life, motivation

On Friday evening I went to see the Live Tour of So You Think You Can Dance.  I went by myself and I am so very glad I did because sitting just behind me was another girl who came to the show all by herself and had I been with other people I may not have taken the time to strike up a conversation with her.

She brought up a discussion of the laws of attraction and said that even though she’s uber Catholic, she’s found great success with a life-coach who has helped her focus on meeting the right people – she’s not even talking about people to date, but people in general that may have some grain of SOMETHING that will enhance her own life and vice versa.

It makes sense to me because I continually go back towards people who might be comfortable in one sense, but are totally wrong for me in another.  And, if they end up hurting me (be it purposefully or by pure accident), that really doesn’t make them comfortable people after all, does it?

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Once or twice was enough, and it was all in vain.

October 16, 2008 at 10:34 am · Filed under motivation, self esteem

I bought a new sweater at Target yesterday, which prompted me to buy new makeup (green eyeshadow because, why not?) and to knit a skinny scarf in this great Ultra Alpaca yarn I had in my stash.   The scarf was really simple and I’m debating even bothering to put it up on Ravelry, but I probably will…

I’m also wearing my Angela necklace (Think Carrie Bradshaw, but… Angela) and my favorite ring ever from Torrid, my hair looks great and compliments are running the gamut today! 

I can deduce a couple things from this:

1, I really should NOT go out of the house without my face on like, ever.

2, I am fucking fabulous.

 

I needed this today like you wouldn’t believe.

 

In other news, I booked my ticket for non-Christmas in Mass.  Now I need to find a photographer and make sure everyone can actually show UP to said photography session.  Who would have thought it would be so difficult to get 6 people together for a photograph for their ailing Grandmother??

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Take every chance you dare…

October 15, 2008 at 9:29 am · Filed under Chicago, Josh, anxiety, bummed, dating, family, life, love, motivation, rants, self esteem, volunteering

Wondering your own self-worth is never really a good thing and this week I’ve been doing a whole hell of a lot of it.
Therefore, in an effort to help boost my own self-confidence, I’m going to attempt to list 10 good things about myself. If you know me at all, I encourage you to please help me add to this list – yes, I’m fishing, but if I don’t start thinking more positively about myself, then, well… it ain’t going to be pretty.

This list is in no particular order:

1. I have a pretty sweet-ass job. The people I work with are nice, I’ve been allowed to travel (back to a place where I know people, no less), and I’m, for the most part, left to do what I think I do best – design. I’m nearing in on the 1-year mark here and I hope to make it to many more.

2. I have this amazing family… While things can be rocky on one side of the continent, I know I can always call my mother and tell her anything. She may not say anything I want to hear back, but in the end, I know she means well. On the other side I’ve got aunts, uncles, cousins… all these people care about me and they say I love you when they call or write and they live like the picturesque version of family I imagine in my head.

3. My friends are incredible. Between the gals at knitting and the people I’ve known all my life, I know who to call if I need a laugh or if I need to simply cry.

4. I have a roof over my head thanks to a very understanding landlord. While it’s a small little place, it’s spitting distance to the lake and very convenient for public transit.

5. I live in CHICAGO. Where there is theater and concerts and amazing restaurants… where I don’t need a car!

6. I’m willing to try most things at least once. This summer was a true testament of that – I danced, I sailed, I flew from a trapeze.

7. I’m going to be a volunteer very soon. I got my TB test this morning, and go back on Friday to have it looked at. By the end of this month I will have my very own ‘Morrie’ (which is what I’m going to call him from here on out because 1. I’m told I’ll be visiting a man who is an artist and 2. Hello? Tuesdays with Morrie? It’s perfect!)

8. People tell me I’m beautiful. Though, to be honest, I sometimes doubt the validity of this – when I polled men-friends of mine and asked them what my best attributes were, 3 of them immediately responded that I had a nice rack.

9. I’m a college graduate. Which, for a multiple-time high-school drop-out, that’s a pretty big deal. I have friends who have their high school diploma who never bothered with college.

10. Even when I’m feeling lonely, I’m never really alone – and if I am, it’s of my own doing.

 

…Ok, this list helps, but it still feels a little like bullshit that I have to tell myself these things in order to feel better about myself. It also still makes me wonder if I’m so fan-fucking-tastic, why am I alone in the romantic sense? Again, pulling notes from Josh’s book of whatnot, he’s pointed out to me that there have been men that were interested but I’ve pushed away because of one reason or another. I need to be ok with not-clicking with people and I need to be ok knowing that I may never have a great love of my life.

I need to be ok with knowing that “me” is all I’ve got.

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Someone’s bound to hear my cry…

October 10, 2008 at 8:23 am · Filed under Chicago, bummed, life, love, motivation, stupid, volunteering, worry

I went to meet with the director of the volunteer program yesterday. I need to have a TB test done, assist with a luncheon, and pass a criminal background check and then I’m all set to be a volunteer. He handed me a rather large handbook to look over.

I thought of another reason I wanted to do this specific program while I was on my way to the hospital yesterday. See, back in 2004 when I ended up in the hospital with my blood clot, it was a different hospital, but they both fall under the same umbrella of health care providers. Anyhow, when my hospitalization happened I was a student, I had no health insurance, and was working part-time. My bill was over $17K and the hospital, through one of it’s many programs that have since been cut due to this whole financial crisis, was written off in its entirety. I know it’s 4 years later and now I’m getting around to ‘repaying’ them, but… yeah.

Other stuff:

I’m sad. Just, plain ol sadness. After watching Grey’s Anatomy last night I just sat in my chair for a minute and cried. I know part of it is being lonely, but I don’t know what all of it is about. I know I could have picked up a phone and called someone, but I think I more or less was hoping someone would have picked up on my sadness through osmosis or something and made me feel better about myself.

And I know it’s wrong to expect someone else to solve my problems, which makes me feel even more sad that I can’t figure this shit out for myself.

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I am 32 flavors, and then some.

October 8, 2008 at 7:59 am · Filed under music, nostalgia

and i wonder
if you miss your old friends
once you’ve proven what you’re worth
yeah i wonder
when you’re a big star
will you miss the earth
and i know you would always want more
i know you would never be done
‘cuz everyone is a fucking napoleon


———————————

 

I didn’t recognize this song when Ani first started playing it the other night.  And as she got to the lyrics and i know you would always want more  I leaned over to Beth and said, “Do you realize she’s about 5-6 songs in and I haven’t heard a single bad word out of her mouth?”  Beth said, “True… guess we’re about to find out -” and right then Ani sang fucking napoleon..

We waited outside the theater to see if we could get her autograph or a photo or something, because that’s really my thing lately – getting autographs of famous people (I need to take a count how many I got this year) – but her tour manager came out and said the baby had just woken up and Ani normally doesn’t do autographs anyhow and at best we’d get a photo of her climbing into the tour bus if we hung around until about 1am.

Mark introduced me to Ani.  I’ve mentioned him a time or two here, but a minor recap goes like this: I had 2 friends in Seattle.  One was Molly who I met while working at a sign-shop (and have recently found again on the internet! Yay! More about her in another post…), and the other was Mark who I met while waiting 3 hours to get tickets to a Tori Amos concert.   Mark was going to Western Washington University up in Bellingham and, strangely enough, he was also friends with this other guy I had found on ICQ when looking for potential friends in Washington State.  The odd thing was, this guy on ICQ lived in Spokane and ended up actually being a former roommate of Mark at WWU – Anyhow, he was going for a visit to Bellingham and even though I had only talked to Mark briefly in the Tori line, I made the 3 hour drive and crashed at their dorms.  (What can I say… I was 20 and fearless.)

Mark and I dated for a few months… when he wasn’t at WWU he lived on Bainbridge Island, which made it much easier to visit him.  I did make a few trips up to Bellingham though, and since it was within an hour or two, one weekend we decided to head up to Vancouver, Canada.  I’m pretty sure it was the Vancouver trip when Mark introduced me to Ani via Living in Clip – a 2 disc set of live songs.   Later that summer Ani played at an outdoor festival and I found myself in a field with a bunch of very butch lesbians who would scream louder every time Ani said a bad word, and they were especially loud when she said the c-word.

Anyhow, I’ve fallen out of touch with Ani’s music over the years, and I don’t talk to Mark at all anymore, but the concert was a nice dose of Ani and a simple sprinkle of nostalgia. 

For those keeping track of my schedule, next on the agenda is the So You Think You Can Dance tour next Friday… I WILL be hanging out at the stage door for that one!  (Which reminds me, I need to figure out where that will be at this venue because it’s HUGE.)

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