I would like to try to put into words what happens to me during a panic attack while I am driving. Should my friends ever come across this, I fear they will never get in the car with me – or at the very least, I hope they understand why sometimes I need to slow down or pull over.
It’s almost as if a thought flashes through my head: I’m going to pass out. I’m going to pass out and swerve off the road. This thought jolts me so much to my core that my heart starts racing. I’m pretty sure somewhere in the middle of it all I hold my breath. My foot gets off the gas pedal and I quickly shift positions in my seat to ‘wake myself up’ or maybe it’s to snap myself back to reality.
I sometimes will roll down the window because the air will sometimes help me realize, “Hey fuckhead, you’re driving. Chill.” Sometimes it makes the noise of the traffic around me exacerbate all the feelings – like, oh crap there are cars around me and what if I Do swerve off the road? Where will I go?
I look in the rearview and if I see someone coming up quickly this might make things all the more panicky.
There are times where driving is fun and carefree and I can blast the music and forget about panic. I wish I knew how to make those times be ALL the time.
