All the crap going on elsewhere in my life is seeping into the one place that I felt I had under control: Work. I’m so behind in everything and yet, I find my mind wandering and I feel a little helpless – wondering when/if the next rounds of layoffs could happen and, will I be one of them? I know this should make me work harder, but it really just makes me numb.
But anyhow, I went in to work today and while there I called my mom to discuss my upcoming trip to see her. I haven’t been out west in over 4 years and for whatever reason, it seems like when I travel it’s around September-ish. (Anxiety-prone me thought it was a fantastic idea to fly on 9-11 last year. I did not sleep the night before my AM flight.) During the course of the conversation, something set me off and I had to get off the phone. I quickly got up from my desk, walked into the women’s restroom, straight to the handicapped stall, locked it behind me, and slid down the wall in the corner opposite the toilet and bawled. Like, hyperventilating, bawling.
It’s not the first time I’ve done this.
And had my coworker not been there today, I mgiht have actually just stayed at my desk to have this breakdown, but perhaps it’s better that she was there and I could be alone.
Once I was able to peel myself off the floor I grabbed my purse, shut off my computer and called it a day. To make depressing matters even more depressing, it was raining when I got down to the ground level. I was still pretty sobby and needed to talk to someone (but not yet my mom) and called one of my besties (for lack of a better word). He talked me down off my mental ledge and even made me laugh by the end of the conversation.
Still, I gave up for the day. This is not abnormal for me – I could be making the best progress ever on something and if something sets me off in the wrong direction? Game Over. I wish I knew why I find it so damn easy to give up. I don’t think I was always this way, or at least to this degree.
I know this is all over the place, but I want to end on this – which are things I want to say aloud, but never will (unless this counts as aloud… does it?): If you aren’t in my day to day life, you have zero idea what I’m really going through in my head. You probably don’t know that I spend more time alone than is healthy for any human being. You probably don’t know how many times a day I contemplate who would miss me if I wasn’t around – or worse yet, how long it would take for someone to notice if I weren’t around. You might think that for a 30something with no “obligations” such as a husband or children I’ve got it easy – I am out all the time, living the high life, without a care in the world. I am NOT the monster you might have made me out to be in your head. Blame for things far out of my control have been placed on me for much too long. I would like to write you off, but I don’t, because I still cling to a hope that there might someday be normalcy.
