Archive for anxiety

Have I found you, flightless bird?

January 16, 2009 at 9:31 pm · Filed under anxiety, dating, love, meditation, nostalgia, questions

My friend Jackie, whom I met at the So You Think You Can Dance tour, knows exactly what to say and/or what to point me towards pretty much every time I speak to her.   On New Year’s Day I was texting with her and telling her about my crying session at midnight when she asked me flat out why I felt like I needed a man in my life.  I thought about it for a moment, typed several things out and they all sounded trite.  She then sent me an article she got in her Daily OM about singlehood versus partnership.  The timing was impeccable; the article exactly what I needed.

I’ve been subscribing to the emails ever since.

The latest email from the OM talks about clearing space in your life… not hanging on to inanimate objects because you think you might like to see them again someday.  Again, right on the money.

See, I have this paper journal from the ‘days of the ex’.  I used it when I didn’t feel comfortable blogging online, even if I kept it private or friends-only.  I used to keep it out, I think now in the vain hope he’d snoop and read it and see how much some of the things he did really hurt my feelings – This book housed most of the things I should have opened my mouth about in the 5 years we were dating.

And I still have it.  And yes, I’ve flipped through it from time to time and it still hurts to read every word on those pages.   Is it worth keeping?  Do I need to hang on to this book that houses nothing but negativity?  Is simply having it under my roof giving me bad juju?  I’ve pictured myself going to the concrete steps of the harbor with a lighter and just allowing it to burn onto itself (with hopes nothing else catches fire around and I get arrested for arson or something ridiculous like that), but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it.

I’ve contemplated mailing it to him- as a these are the things I never said gesture, but I certainly know better than that.  And I know for a fact the exercise would be lost on him and I’d end up hurt.

In resolving to once and for all put him behind me (and, let’s face it… a big part of why he’s still even in the picture is there hasn’t been another “boyfriend” since he and I broke up… I’d almost welcome a brief one just so I can stop calling him “the ex”) should I let the most painful of my memories go up in smoke?  It’s not like if those words disappear from physical form they’ll also disappear from my brain…

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By the letter V…

December 29, 2008 at 9:49 am · Filed under aches & pains, anxiety, bummed, dating, life, rants

Wrote this on Saturday evening…

Oral surgery went better than I expected. There was no counting backwards from 10 – it was just… now I’m awake, now I’m not, now I am and I’m less 3 teeth from my mouth. I was even able to talk and crack crappy jokes.

Got more Vicodin. Could totally become an addict at this point, but I don’t see how people do it. Right now I feel like my heart is barely beating, I can’t concentrate enough to read or knit and even though I’ve already napped, I think another one is in order. I’ve been good and I wrote down when I took the last dose, per my mother’s instructions, so I don’t overdo it or put myself through unnecessary pain.

Andi is a freaking angel for taking me.

What else… Christmas Day I posted an ad on craigslist, much to my own chagrin. The biggest clause being that if said guy was to answer the ad, they were to please answer a few simple, but silly questions. No answers, immediate deletion. Well, 2 people kept my attention throughout the day, one more than the other… The more-attention guy, we’ll call him E, he and I passed questions back and forth and it made the day far less depressing than I thought it would be when I woke up (I was literally chanting to myself it’s just another Thursday). Anyhow, we got to a point where I flat out asked him when he was going to ask me out for coffee. 2-3 more emails passed after that – he asked if I was free that night, I suggested Friday because.. well, just because.

And then he stopped emailing.

The other guy… the other guy DID ask me out for coffee, which I initially agreed to, but then things got a little weird. He didn’t have a myspace or facebook to offer up, and despite the fact that we were going to go meet each other, he was unwilling to give me his phone number. Call me crazy (which I probably am for posting a fucking ad on CL in the first place), but I just felt a little weird only knowing this guy’s first name, no number, nothing else. He made some crack about giving me his SSN after we met so I could do a background check, which I thought was rather condescending. I was asking for his phone number – not his freaking blood type.

So I guess this cements my whole ‘not worth it to date’ feelings again. I’m mildly bummed that I didn’t get to meet the E guy, and the other person who emailed was a potential psychopath.

I know there are moments where it’s good to be alone, but I can’t help but wonder what the frig is wrong with me sometimes. Maybe that’s the wrong verbiage.. I wonder what is wrong with MEN that they don’t find me the least bit appealing. Whateva.

Finally, I’m potentially moving down the hall next weekend. There’s a 1 bedroom opening up on my floor and, if the floorplan is every bit as fabulous as it is in my head, I’ll be walking all my shit from one end of the building to the other. This means I can have a cat-free bedroom, which is going to take some getting used to – I do enjoy when Forrest curls up in my feet at nighttime – but I think I’d enjoy knowing I could put my face on my pillow without using a sticky roller on it first to get all the cat hair off.

I think I’ve hit my limit for how long I can sit up vertically.

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Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings…

December 23, 2008 at 9:53 am · Filed under anxiety, family, holidays, life, travel, worry

I haven’t really had much to say as of late, as it seems like everything in my life has revolved around the freaking weather.

I went to New England earlier in the month and got caught in a monster of an ice storm.  It knocked the power out of my small town for 4 days and they’ve continued to be pummelled by snow ever since. 

My mom, on the west coast, has been experiencing her share of snow too.  And me in the middle?  Well, it’s snowing right now and plans to do so for a while longer, if that says anything.  I keep threatening to move to Mexico as Florida is simply just not far enough south.  This is usually the time of year I love to see snow – I’m not usually fed up with it until January/February, but I’m feeling very Bah-Humbug lately.  Actually, it’s not even that – I feel like the holidays are already over anyhow because I went to visit my family at such a weird time.

I did want to share the mass quantities of driving I did while I was back east – I did this in the 2 days before the ice storm hit… I’m glad I did make the trip to western Mass when I did… I got to see the home of yarn.com (Webs), and I hit up the Yankee Candle factory.  My suitcase smelled really nice on the way back home.  Anyhow, here’s what my Tuesday and Wednesday looked like:

Tuesday was aprox 147 miles, and Wednesday was aprox 171 miles.  For someone with anxiety when it comes to driving…  that’s a whole lot of area covered.

Then, on Thursday I spent the day with my dad and had Lobster, Steamers, and passed out on his sofa.  I went back to my aunt and uncle’s place and that night the storm hit.  We spent Friday heating up water on the gas grill outside so we could have hot chocolate and I curled under 5 blankets and read Eclipse, the 3rd book of the Twilight series, by flashlight.

Anyhow, I’ve been back for a little over a week.  I managed to knit a pair of fingerless gloves for a coworker for our secret santa exchange and while knitting I listened to the 4th and final book of Twilight.  I’m contemplating a move down the hall from my existing apartment into a larger one, and I’ve got my oral surgery coming up this week. 

I’m rather bah-humbug and lonely all wrapped into one emotional mess.  This year has been so fabulous, I don’t want to end it on a bad note so I’m trying to work through the emotional crap and focus on the good.  It’s harder than it sounds.

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Take every chance you dare…

October 15, 2008 at 9:29 am · Filed under Chicago, Josh, anxiety, bummed, dating, family, life, love, motivation, rants, self esteem, volunteering

Wondering your own self-worth is never really a good thing and this week I’ve been doing a whole hell of a lot of it.
Therefore, in an effort to help boost my own self-confidence, I’m going to attempt to list 10 good things about myself. If you know me at all, I encourage you to please help me add to this list – yes, I’m fishing, but if I don’t start thinking more positively about myself, then, well… it ain’t going to be pretty.

This list is in no particular order:

1. I have a pretty sweet-ass job. The people I work with are nice, I’ve been allowed to travel (back to a place where I know people, no less), and I’m, for the most part, left to do what I think I do best – design. I’m nearing in on the 1-year mark here and I hope to make it to many more.

2. I have this amazing family… While things can be rocky on one side of the continent, I know I can always call my mother and tell her anything. She may not say anything I want to hear back, but in the end, I know she means well. On the other side I’ve got aunts, uncles, cousins… all these people care about me and they say I love you when they call or write and they live like the picturesque version of family I imagine in my head.

3. My friends are incredible. Between the gals at knitting and the people I’ve known all my life, I know who to call if I need a laugh or if I need to simply cry.

4. I have a roof over my head thanks to a very understanding landlord. While it’s a small little place, it’s spitting distance to the lake and very convenient for public transit.

5. I live in CHICAGO. Where there is theater and concerts and amazing restaurants… where I don’t need a car!

6. I’m willing to try most things at least once. This summer was a true testament of that – I danced, I sailed, I flew from a trapeze.

7. I’m going to be a volunteer very soon. I got my TB test this morning, and go back on Friday to have it looked at. By the end of this month I will have my very own ‘Morrie’ (which is what I’m going to call him from here on out because 1. I’m told I’ll be visiting a man who is an artist and 2. Hello? Tuesdays with Morrie? It’s perfect!)

8. People tell me I’m beautiful. Though, to be honest, I sometimes doubt the validity of this – when I polled men-friends of mine and asked them what my best attributes were, 3 of them immediately responded that I had a nice rack.

9. I’m a college graduate. Which, for a multiple-time high-school drop-out, that’s a pretty big deal. I have friends who have their high school diploma who never bothered with college.

10. Even when I’m feeling lonely, I’m never really alone – and if I am, it’s of my own doing.

 

…Ok, this list helps, but it still feels a little like bullshit that I have to tell myself these things in order to feel better about myself. It also still makes me wonder if I’m so fan-fucking-tastic, why am I alone in the romantic sense? Again, pulling notes from Josh’s book of whatnot, he’s pointed out to me that there have been men that were interested but I’ve pushed away because of one reason or another. I need to be ok with not-clicking with people and I need to be ok knowing that I may never have a great love of my life.

I need to be ok with knowing that “me” is all I’ve got.

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uggghhh….

October 3, 2008 at 10:04 am · Filed under anxiety, family, life

I am an emotional time-bomb, waiting to explode.

 

You get the vague-me today because I don’t feel like elaborating.

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Workin’ for the weekend

September 26, 2008 at 2:46 pm · Filed under Chicago, anxiety, being a democrat, books, fluff, knitting, life, meditation, motivation, music, walking, weight

Due to financial constraints, I have a very low-key weekend planned.  I was to go to Lake Villa and attend a party, but since I don’t think I can even afford the Metra fare up there…  it’s unlikely.

Anyhow, my glamorous[1] weekend will start tonight where I will hopefully do my dishes and perhaps attempt to make what looks like a yummy WW recipe for stuffed clams.  I will also watch the presidential debate, hope McCain makes an ass of himself, and continue to knit a square for a group blanket project (I got crazy ambitious and decided to make one of my squares in a very complicated cable pattern (September is for Antony).   It’s beautiful, but who on earth has the patience to make this into a scarf??)

I have about 15 episodes of 90210 to catch up on, last week’s X and Xtra Factor (plus this week’s, if they are uploaded on time), Oprah from yesterday (which I hear had Jen Lancaster on it!) and.. I guess that’s it for TV.

I will also be checking up on a fellow knitting gal’s kitty on Saturday, which I have every intention of walking to her place – which is about a mile and a half away.  We’ll see if that happens – it SHOULD happen, because I have little in the way of bus fare.

Other than that, the normal stuff needs to happen – there’s laundry to do… there’s kitty litter to change… There’s 100 more pages of the second Twilight that I keep saying I will read and have not yet!

Oh, but what I really, REALLY want to make an effort to do is meditate.  I purchased a cd for guided meditation while I was down in Florida and I have yet to actually use it.  The medium who read me said I would benefit from it, and actually I’ve had doctors tell me it might help reduce the severity of my panic attacks. 

Anyhow, hope everyone else has lovely plans for this weekend…  Looks like here in Chi-town, this might be our last shot at “summer” weather.

[1]Am I the only one who, when they spell out glamorous, I do it to the tune of Fergie? G. L. A. M. O. R. OUS – yeah… Flying first class… up in the sky…

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Every dream, is just a dream, afterall.

September 25, 2008 at 12:55 pm · Filed under anxiety, bummed, dating, daydreaming, life, swimming, vague

McDreamy and McSteamy will grace my television tonight with new episodes of a new season. 

I’ve budgeted in points so I can have a glass of wine while watching.

I’ve got yummy yarn to work on a group project to keep me occupied during commercials.

I’m at a great part in the second Twilight Book that I could devour the rest of it in a little over an hour (before all the McWatching).

 

And yet today, all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry.  

Sigh.

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A lot can happen in a week

September 15, 2008 at 12:07 pm · Filed under Alzheimer's, Chicago, Josh, anxiety, dating, daydreaming, family, job stuff, knitting, life, love, motivation, nostalgia, pisces, self esteem, travel, weight

I looked at the calendar today and noticed there is exactly one week left of summer.  I noticed some of the trees were starting to change colors last week, and the weather is certainly cooler – I just, for some reason, am not ready for the official declaration of it being autumn and no longer being summer – or maybe I am.

I think much of it has to do with this spring/summer being one of the best since I moved to the city – remember last year when I was almost wishing not to have a job so I could take advantage of all Chicago had to offer int he summer and then I did lose my job and it sucked?  Well, this year has proved that I can in fact have my cake (job) and eat all the good Chicago-ness too!  Let’s take a look at what good times were had, shall we?

In April I got to go to Florida for the first time in 4 years.  I spent time with Ginny, went downtown.  I spent time with Josh, went to the beach.  I drove down A1A through Cape Canaveral and saw the house my mom and I rented once upon a time on the beach.

In May I met Jen Lancaster at a book signing (ok, “met” is a strong word…  I got my picture taken with her (said photo will be used as a good ‘before’ photo when I lose a bunch of weight)).  Andi graduated and had a birthday which meant dinner with her family and drinks with the gals from knitting group.  We also met Jemaine and Bret after the Flight of the Conchords show (2 more pics also for the before book) and I won tickets to see KT Tunstall – again.  Beth had a birthday at the end of the month and she and I had AWESOME seats to Avenue Q!  We chugged champagne before walking in the theater to see naked puppets.  Our knitting group also had the first of the BBQ’s at Beth’s place on Memorial Day.

June had some mixed feelings, but from the bad came some good.  Elizabeth had a birthday bowling party which was pretty darn fun and a few days later I got my first and only spinning lesson (spinning as in spinning yarn).  I was in a “mood” when I was with the girls, and 2 days later my mood worsened when my great aunt passed.  The good of her passing was that she did not suffer and I’m sure she’s happy to be reunited with her husband.  I also got to go see my family back east and though it was rough circumstances, it was still very good to see them.  Playing cards with my aunt, uncle and cousin still sticks out in my mind as one of the more fond memories of the week.  Neocon was also this month and despite ending a friendship after having the liquid courage of free martini’s, the martini’s were still a plus for the month!

In July we had our second BBQ at Beth’s for the 4th and then Chicago Summer Dance started.  Adrienne and I spent quite a few weekends down in Grant Park learning how to do various dances.  One of the better nights of dancing also involved us catching the fireworks from Venetian Night and ending up at the Intercontinental Hotel where we had the best Creme Brulee ever.   Jody and I took a Monday off from our respective jobs and went to Hurricane Harbor at Six Flags.  I still give her a little grief for not braving any of the slides with me, but we still had a great day on the Lazy River and the wave pool. 

August started with Lollapalooza.  I still say I’m unsure if I’ll go again next year, but I’m sure come April ‘09 I’ll be buying a ticket for it anyhow.  Just before Lolla, I met Matt, which brought along some interesting dates/hanging out times throughout the month.  Even though he’s lived in/around the city all his life, we’ve still managed to go to places that are new to both of us.  We attempted to watch Blues Brothers during the movies in Grant Park, but we got rained out!  Boo!  I also fufilled a 4-year wish to be in a sailboat on Lake Michigan during August!  Next year I want to see if I can get in with a crew and learn how to SAIL the boat – riding is one thing, but the whole process of throwing the sale up and steering just looks like so much fun!

And this month.. Well, I went back to Florida and instead of running around to see EVERYONE I hadn’t seen in 4 years I instead planned on seeing only Ginny and Josh.  I was lucky to see Kristin too, and to go to Cassadaga to get a reading.  I went to the beach again and helped Josh shop for some stuff for his new place.  I treasure tete-a-tete time with Josh – it should happen more often.  I gave blood for the first time in my life last week (and my arm is still sore from it).  Over this past weekend Matt and I shared a 100$ wine flight that included wines from 1960-something and 1908!  This week we’re going to go see Batman on the Imax screen and Wednesday we’re having our first (and perhaps only) flying trapeze lesson.   I’ll be going back on the Points system for real (thanks to Jody joining it too – personal support rocks!) and I think on Friday I’m going to go to a Dar Williams concert on my own. 

And then it’ll be the weekend and Monday it will be fall.  And I’ll be ok with it because, well, that was one hell of a summer… but next year’s will be even better, right?

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When I Grow Up

September 8, 2008 at 11:35 am · Filed under Chicago, anxiety, daydreaming, life, love, rants, vague, worry

In an email where I was complaining and compiling a list of things that are currently floating around in my head, the best advice came across my screen: Today is not a day to make decisions.

It’s so true.  With the mindset I am in today, I’m likely to make a decision I’d regret later, so why make any at all?  Instead, I’m trying not to stew.  I’m trying not to be upset.  I’m trying not to post something on the internet that would be words I couldn’t take back at a later date.

So, instead, you get this:

I’ve heard it’s possible to grow up. I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it.

Without parents to defy we break the rules we make for ourselves.

We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way.

We whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark.

We look for comfort where we can find it.

And we hope. Against all logic. Against all experience.

Like children, we never give up hope.

That, of course, is a quote from Grey’s Anatomy, Episode 18 of Season 2, entitled, “Yesterday.”

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Rock you like a hurricane…

September 3, 2008 at 10:42 am · Filed under anxiety, life, reading, travel

I’m off to Central Florida to hopefully NOT play with Hannah… or Ike… or Josephine.

May this trip be successful work-wise, and panic-attack-free on the personal aspects.  It should be fine: I have far less people to see this time around as the whole trip is really revolved around Ginny and Josh.   Oh, and the Atlantic Ocean too… I hope she’s calm enough for me to take a swim.

(I’ve managed to own New Moon (the second Twilight Series book) for 3 days now and I haven’t opened it.  I hope it makes for good plane reading.)

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