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In Cyber-land we only drink Diet Coke.

April 22, 2009 at 6:54 am · Filed under dating, dreams, love

Last night, I had a dream. I found myself in the middle of a desert called Cyber-land…

…oops, wrong dream.
Anyhow, I really did have a dream and in it I was swimming and shouting out all these things to my friends who were on the shore about what I hoped the man of my dreams to be like – older, kind, funny, trustworthy… I got to the end of wherever I was swimming, hopped out of the water and jumped back in.

As I started swimming in the other direction I literally bumped into a man who was also swimming – his name was Nathaniel. The only other thing I remember from the dream was that he was 41 and somehow, I knew, the second I saw him, he was the one.

…I’m posting this, just in case I happen to meet a guy who is either 41 or named Nathaniel any time in the near future.

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Have I found you, flightless bird?

January 16, 2009 at 9:31 pm · Filed under anxiety, dating, love, meditation, nostalgia, questions

My friend Jackie, whom I met at the So You Think You Can Dance tour, knows exactly what to say and/or what to point me towards pretty much every time I speak to her. On New Year’s Day I was texting with her and telling her about my crying session at midnight when she asked me flat out why I felt like I needed a man in my life. I thought about it for a moment, typed several things out and they all sounded trite. She then sent me an article she got in her Daily OM about singlehood versus partnership. The timing was impeccable; the article exactly what I needed.

I’ve been subscribing to the emails ever since.

The latest email from the OM talks about clearing space in your life… not hanging on to inanimate objects because you think you might like to see them again someday. Again, right on the money.

See, I have this paper journal from the ‘days of the ex’. I used it when I didn’t feel comfortable blogging online, even if I kept it private or friends-only. I used to keep it out, I think now in the vain hope he’d snoop and read it and see how much some of the things he did really hurt my feelings – This book housed most of the things I should have opened my mouth about in the 5 years we were dating.

And I still have it. And yes, I’ve flipped through it from time to time and it still hurts to read every word on those pages. Is it worth keeping? Do I need to hang on to this book that houses nothing but negativity? Is simply having it under my roof giving me bad juju? I’ve pictured myself going to the concrete steps of the harbor with a lighter and just allowing it to burn onto itself (with hopes nothing else catches fire around and I get arrested for arson or something ridiculous like that), but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it.

I’ve contemplated mailing it to him- as a these are the things I never said gesture, but I certainly know better than that. And I know for a fact the exercise would be lost on him and I’d end up hurt.

In resolving to once and for all put him behind me (and, let’s face it… a big part of why he’s still even in the picture is there hasn’t been another “boyfriend” since he and I broke up… I’d almost welcome a brief one just so I can stop calling him “the ex”) should I let the most painful of my memories go up in smoke? It’s not like if those words disappear from physical form they’ll also disappear from my brain…

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By the letter V…

December 29, 2008 at 9:49 am · Filed under aches & pains, anxiety, bummed, dating, life, rants

Wrote this on Saturday evening…

Oral surgery went better than I expected. There was no counting backwards from 10 – it was just… now I’m awake, now I’m not, now I am and I’m less 3 teeth from my mouth. I was even able to talk and crack crappy jokes.

Got more Vicodin. Could totally become an addict at this point, but I don’t see how people do it. Right now I feel like my heart is barely beating, I can’t concentrate enough to read or knit and even though I’ve already napped, I think another one is in order. I’ve been good and I wrote down when I took the last dose, per my mother’s instructions, so I don’t overdo it or put myself through unnecessary pain.

Andi is a freaking angel for taking me.

What else… Christmas Day I posted an ad on craigslist, much to my own chagrin. The biggest clause being that if said guy was to answer the ad, they were to please answer a few simple, but silly questions. No answers, immediate deletion. Well, 2 people kept my attention throughout the day, one more than the other… The more-attention guy, we’ll call him E, he and I passed questions back and forth and it made the day far less depressing than I thought it would be when I woke up (I was literally chanting to myself it’s just another Thursday). Anyhow, we got to a point where I flat out asked him when he was going to ask me out for coffee. 2-3 more emails passed after that – he asked if I was free that night, I suggested Friday because.. well, just because.

And then he stopped emailing.

The other guy… the other guy DID ask me out for coffee, which I initially agreed to, but then things got a little weird. He didn’t have a myspace or facebook to offer up, and despite the fact that we were going to go meet each other, he was unwilling to give me his phone number. Call me crazy (which I probably am for posting a fucking ad on CL in the first place), but I just felt a little weird only knowing this guy’s first name, no number, nothing else. He made some crack about giving me his SSN after we met so I could do a background check, which I thought was rather condescending. I was asking for his phone number – not his freaking blood type.

So I guess this cements my whole ‘not worth it to date’ feelings again. I’m mildly bummed that I didn’t get to meet the E guy, and the other person who emailed was a potential psychopath.

I know there are moments where it’s good to be alone, but I can’t help but wonder what the frig is wrong with me sometimes. Maybe that’s the wrong verbiage.. I wonder what is wrong with MEN that they don’t find me the least bit appealing. Whateva.

Finally, I’m potentially moving down the hall next weekend. There’s a 1 bedroom opening up on my floor and, if the floorplan is every bit as fabulous as it is in my head, I’ll be walking all my shit from one end of the building to the other. This means I can have a cat-free bedroom, which is going to take some getting used to – I do enjoy when Forrest curls up in my feet at nighttime – but I think I’d enjoy knowing I could put my face on my pillow without using a sticky roller on it first to get all the cat hair off.

I think I’ve hit my limit for how long I can sit up vertically.

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Take every chance you dare…

October 15, 2008 at 9:29 am · Filed under Chicago, Josh, anxiety, bummed, dating, family, life, love, motivation, rants, self esteem, volunteering

Wondering your own self-worth is never really a good thing and this week I’ve been doing a whole hell of a lot of it.
Therefore, in an effort to help boost my own self-confidence, I’m going to attempt to list 10 good things about myself. If you know me at all, I encourage you to please help me add to this list – yes, I’m fishing, but if I don’t start thinking more positively about myself, then, well… it ain’t going to be pretty.

This list is in no particular order:

1. I have a pretty sweet-ass job. The people I work with are nice, I’ve been allowed to travel (back to a place where I know people, no less), and I’m, for the most part, left to do what I think I do best – design. I’m nearing in on the 1-year mark here and I hope to make it to many more.

2. I have this amazing family… While things can be rocky on one side of the continent, I know I can always call my mother and tell her anything. She may not say anything I want to hear back, but in the end, I know she means well. On the other side I’ve got aunts, uncles, cousins… all these people care about me and they say I love you when they call or write and they live like the picturesque version of family I imagine in my head.

3. My friends are incredible. Between the gals at knitting and the people I’ve known all my life, I know who to call if I need a laugh or if I need to simply cry.

4. I have a roof over my head thanks to a very understanding landlord. While it’s a small little place, it’s spitting distance to the lake and very convenient for public transit.

5. I live in CHICAGO. Where there is theater and concerts and amazing restaurants… where I don’t need a car!

6. I’m willing to try most things at least once. This summer was a true testament of that – I danced, I sailed, I flew from a trapeze.

7. I’m going to be a volunteer very soon. I got my TB test this morning, and go back on Friday to have it looked at. By the end of this month I will have my very own ‘Morrie’ (which is what I’m going to call him from here on out because 1. I’m told I’ll be visiting a man who is an artist and 2. Hello? Tuesdays with Morrie? It’s perfect!)

8. People tell me I’m beautiful. Though, to be honest, I sometimes doubt the validity of this – when I polled men-friends of mine and asked them what my best attributes were, 3 of them immediately responded that I had a nice rack.

9. I’m a college graduate. Which, for a multiple-time high-school drop-out, that’s a pretty big deal. I have friends who have their high school diploma who never bothered with college.

10. Even when I’m feeling lonely, I’m never really alone – and if I am, it’s of my own doing.

…Ok, this list helps, but it still feels a little like bullshit that I have to tell myself these things in order to feel better about myself. It also still makes me wonder if I’m so fan-fucking-tastic, why am I alone in the romantic sense? Again, pulling notes from Josh’s book of whatnot, he’s pointed out to me that there have been men that were interested but I’ve pushed away because of one reason or another. I need to be ok with not-clicking with people and I need to be ok knowing that I may never have a great love of my life.

I need to be ok with knowing that “me” is all I’ve got.

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Every dream, is just a dream, afterall.

September 25, 2008 at 12:55 pm · Filed under anxiety, bummed, dating, daydreaming, life, swimming, vague

McDreamy and McSteamy will grace my television tonight with new episodes of a new season.

I’ve budgeted in points so I can have a glass of wine while watching.

I’ve got yummy yarn to work on a group project to keep me occupied during commercials.

I’m at a great part in the second Twilight Book that I could devour the rest of it in a little over an hour (before all the McWatching).

And yet today, all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry.

Sigh.

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Well THAT explains alot…

September 23, 2008 at 1:38 pm · Filed under dating, life, sex

I did some math in my head yesterday and realized where my “mood” as of late as come from.

Two words: Pent Up.

Yep. It explains so much! It would be better if I had just forgotten when the last time I had sex was, but instead, the date is now etched in my mind and I’m obsessing about it.

Not to the point where I’m going to go have random what-not, but still…

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Are you listening?

September 21, 2008 at 7:46 pm · Filed under Chicago, dating, daydreaming, life, love, music, pisces, questions

I am longing to be in love.

There. I said it.

Come on, universe… throw someone good at me. I’m convinced my soulmate (if there is such a thing) is not sitting out there on match.com or eharmony or any of those sites. He’s not some former lover who I look at through rose-colored glasses.

I wish I knew where the heck he was because everyone keeps telling me to stop looking for him and he’ll find me. What if people are telling him to stop looking too?

Hear me
I’m cryin’ out
I’m ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me

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A lot can happen in a week

September 15, 2008 at 12:07 pm · Filed under Alzheimer's, Chicago, Josh, anxiety, dating, daydreaming, family, job stuff, knitting, life, love, motivation, nostalgia, pisces, self esteem, travel, weight

I looked at the calendar today and noticed there is exactly one week left of summer. I noticed some of the trees were starting to change colors last week, and the weather is certainly cooler – I just, for some reason, am not ready for the official declaration of it being autumn and no longer being summer – or maybe I am.

I think much of it has to do with this spring/summer being one of the best since I moved to the city – remember last year when I was almost wishing not to have a job so I could take advantage of all Chicago had to offer int he summer and then I did lose my job and it sucked? Well, this year has proved that I can in fact have my cake (job) and eat all the good Chicago-ness too! Let’s take a look at what good times were had, shall we?

In April I got to go to Florida for the first time in 4 years. I spent time with Ginny, went downtown. I spent time with Josh, went to the beach. I drove down A1A through Cape Canaveral and saw the house my mom and I rented once upon a time on the beach.

In May I met Jen Lancaster at a book signing (ok, “met” is a strong word… I got my picture taken with her (said photo will be used as a good ‘before’ photo when I lose a bunch of weight)). Andi graduated and had a birthday which meant dinner with her family and drinks with the gals from knitting group. We also met Jemaine and Bret after the Flight of the Conchords show (2 more pics also for the before book) and I won tickets to see KT Tunstall – again. Beth had a birthday at the end of the month and she and I had AWESOME seats to Avenue Q! We chugged champagne before walking in the theater to see naked puppets. Our knitting group also had the first of the BBQ’s at Beth’s place on Memorial Day.

June had some mixed feelings, but from the bad came some good. Elizabeth had a birthday bowling party which was pretty darn fun and a few days later I got my first and only spinning lesson (spinning as in spinning yarn). I was in a “mood” when I was with the girls, and 2 days later my mood worsened when my great aunt passed. The good of her passing was that she did not suffer and I’m sure she’s happy to be reunited with her husband. I also got to go see my family back east and though it was rough circumstances, it was still very good to see them. Playing cards with my aunt, uncle and cousin still sticks out in my mind as one of the more fond memories of the week. Neocon was also this month and despite ending a friendship after having the liquid courage of free martini’s, the martini’s were still a plus for the month!

In July we had our second BBQ at Beth’s for the 4th and then Chicago Summer Dance started. Adrienne and I spent quite a few weekends down in Grant Park learning how to do various dances. One of the better nights of dancing also involved us catching the fireworks from Venetian Night and ending up at the Intercontinental Hotel where we had the best Creme Brulee ever. Jody and I took a Monday off from our respective jobs and went to Hurricane Harbor at Six Flags. I still give her a little grief for not braving any of the slides with me, but we still had a great day on the Lazy River and the wave pool.

August started with Lollapalooza. I still say I’m unsure if I’ll go again next year, but I’m sure come April ‘09 I’ll be buying a ticket for it anyhow. Just before Lolla, I met Matt, which brought along some interesting dates/hanging out times throughout the month. Even though he’s lived in/around the city all his life, we’ve still managed to go to places that are new to both of us. We attempted to watch Blues Brothers during the movies in Grant Park, but we got rained out! Boo! I also fufilled a 4-year wish to be in a sailboat on Lake Michigan during August! Next year I want to see if I can get in with a crew and learn how to SAIL the boat – riding is one thing, but the whole process of throwing the sale up and steering just looks like so much fun!

And this month.. Well, I went back to Florida and instead of running around to see EVERYONE I hadn’t seen in 4 years I instead planned on seeing only Ginny and Josh. I was lucky to see Kristin too, and to go to Cassadaga to get a reading. I went to the beach again and helped Josh shop for some stuff for his new place. I treasure tete-a-tete time with Josh – it should happen more often. I gave blood for the first time in my life last week (and my arm is still sore from it). Over this past weekend Matt and I shared a 100$ wine flight that included wines from 1960-something and 1908! This week we’re going to go see Batman on the Imax screen and Wednesday we’re having our first (and perhaps only) flying trapeze lesson. I’ll be going back on the Points system for real (thanks to Jody joining it too – personal support rocks!) and I think on Friday I’m going to go to a Dar Williams concert on my own.

And then it’ll be the weekend and Monday it will be fall. And I’ll be ok with it because, well, that was one hell of a summer… but next year’s will be even better, right?

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The great unknown.

August 26, 2008 at 9:48 am · Filed under Chicago, anxiety, dating, daydreaming, family, job stuff, life, love, meditation, pisces, questions, travel, vague, worry

“What do you want?”

A simple question with a very complicated answer. Made even more complicated when you have two different ways you think you want your life to be and the sheer terror of choosing the wrong path leaves you feeling incomplete and uncertain.

In what I am now calling my “therapy sessions” (really they are calls to my bff in Florida), we discussed this whole want business and I came to a couple conclusions:

1. I still have a strong pull to the northeast. When I do imagine my life in the grandest of senses, I’m living somewhere either in Mass or Rhode Island – but within a couple hours of my paternal family.

2. This pull makes me feel guilty in a sense that I’m not feeling a pull to move to the northwest to be with my maternal family. However, I also realize that maybe the reason there isn’t a strong pull is because I am on the phone with my mother on an almost daily basis already and because there is strain with the rest of my family there. It’s not that I don’t want to resolve said strain, but it’s more like it’s just easier to avoid conflict than throw myself into it, if that makes sense.

3. I don’t know what this pull does to what I should be doing with my so-called love-life here in Chicago. If I’m not planning to leave the area for another couple years it would make sense not to get involved with someone, but what if it happens? I mean, it’s super easy to say, “I can’t see you because…”, but could I be turning down experiences I should be having? What if I move to say, Boston, and I’m miserable and want to come back to Chicago?

4. The big answer to “What do you want?” cannot be put into words right now, mostly because of that dual-path thing. In the simplest of terms, one path has me married with children, the other path has me working a fabulous career and traveling the world. It’s not to say there’s not a happy middle, but… one does make the other less likely.

When I said I was seeking clarity and a chance to be introspective on my upcoming trip to Florida, BFF was quick to point out that was exactly what I was looking for last time. What he doesn’t realize is that I FOUND some clarity during my last trip. I realized not all men are scum-sucking pigs and there are men out there who are truly faithful. Hell, if I hadn’t gone to Florida I wouldn’t of had the guts to speak my mind when things needed to be said. I’d still be sitting here, pretending that it’s ok for me to be walked upon.

Maybe this trip will help me solve the answer to the biggest question on the table – What DO I want??

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