Archive for daydreaming
December 31, 2008 at 8:56 am
· Filed under daydreaming, debt, dreams, exercise, family, holidays, interior design, job stuff, knitting, life, love, motivation, travel
I knew I had one of these “resolution” posts floating around… so I checked it to see how I did for 2008. All in all, not too shabby. I do remember making a list half-way through the year of things I wanted to do by the end of the year and one of those items was to finish knitting a pair of socks and that SO did not happen. Oh well. At least there’s this:
- End the year with less debt. Well, I can’t say this happened… but I certainly have a better idea of what my debt is – that counts for something, doesn’t it? I also managed to get my cell phone to stop ringing with debt collector calls by changing my phone number. heh.
- End the year with less fat. I haven’t seen PJ since I’ve been back from my trip… I did weigh myself this morning and I weigh exactly the same as I did last year on the first… does it count that I haven’t GAINED fat?
- End the year with less angst. Much less angst-y about certain family situations. Though, I have flown off the handle about relatively calm emails… I guess it means at least I’m not willing to be a doormat anymore.
- End the year with a nest-egg. I do have one of these, though it might disappear once I have other dental work done in a couple weeks. UGH.
- End the year with the same job I had at the beginning of the year. I’d like this to continue through 2009 as well… I totally enjoy working here and want to stay on for a while longer!!
- End the year having seen my paternal family. Been there, done that… twice! It sucks that it was done once for going to a funeral on my maternal side of the family, but… it reminded me how nice and caring they all can be!
As for 2009… here we go:
1. I’ll take the NCIDQ and pass it, first try.
2. I’ll end the year with less debt – for real.
3. As mentioned above, I’d like to end 2009 still at the job I’ve started it with. Retail = never again!
4. I’d like to go to Ireland for a week.
5. I’ll visit my mother.
6. I’ll get my weight back under ___ lbs.
7. I’ll knit a pair of socks.
8. I’ll NOT have “ex-sex”.
9. I’ll upgrade my apartment (as in, get out of the studio… still waiting on word for that 1 bedroom.)
and finally
10. I’ll continue to do things because I want to do them, and not care what other people think or how crazy they seem.
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September 25, 2008 at 12:55 pm
· Filed under anxiety, bummed, dating, daydreaming, life, swimming, vague
McDreamy and McSteamy will grace my television tonight with new episodes of a new season.
I’ve budgeted in points so I can have a glass of wine while watching.
I’ve got yummy yarn to work on a group project to keep me occupied during commercials.
I’m at a great part in the second Twilight Book that I could devour the rest of it in a little over an hour (before all the McWatching).
And yet today, all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry.
Sigh.
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September 21, 2008 at 7:46 pm
· Filed under Chicago, dating, daydreaming, life, love, music, pisces, questions
I am longing to be in love.
There. I said it.
Come on, universe… throw someone good at me. I’m convinced my soulmate (if there is such a thing) is not sitting out there on match.com or eharmony or any of those sites. He’s not some former lover who I look at through rose-colored glasses.
I wish I knew where the heck he was because everyone keeps telling me to stop looking for him and he’ll find me. What if people are telling him to stop looking too?
Hear me
I’m cryin’ out
I’m ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
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September 15, 2008 at 12:07 pm
· Filed under Alzheimer's, Chicago, Josh, anxiety, dating, daydreaming, family, job stuff, knitting, life, love, motivation, nostalgia, pisces, self esteem, travel, weight
I looked at the calendar today and noticed there is exactly one week left of summer. I noticed some of the trees were starting to change colors last week, and the weather is certainly cooler – I just, for some reason, am not ready for the official declaration of it being autumn and no longer being summer – or maybe I am.
I think much of it has to do with this spring/summer being one of the best since I moved to the city – remember last year when I was almost wishing not to have a job so I could take advantage of all Chicago had to offer int he summer and then I did lose my job and it sucked? Well, this year has proved that I can in fact have my cake (job) and eat all the good Chicago-ness too! Let’s take a look at what good times were had, shall we?
In April I got to go to Florida for the first time in 4 years. I spent time with Ginny, went downtown. I spent time with Josh, went to the beach. I drove down A1A through Cape Canaveral and saw the house my mom and I rented once upon a time on the beach.
In May I met Jen Lancaster at a book signing (ok, “met” is a strong word… I got my picture taken with her (said photo will be used as a good ‘before’ photo when I lose a bunch of weight)). Andi graduated and had a birthday which meant dinner with her family and drinks with the gals from knitting group. We also met Jemaine and Bret after the Flight of the Conchords show (2 more pics also for the before book) and I won tickets to see KT Tunstall – again. Beth had a birthday at the end of the month and she and I had AWESOME seats to Avenue Q! We chugged champagne before walking in the theater to see naked puppets. Our knitting group also had the first of the BBQ’s at Beth’s place on Memorial Day.
June had some mixed feelings, but from the bad came some good. Elizabeth had a birthday bowling party which was pretty darn fun and a few days later I got my first and only spinning lesson (spinning as in spinning yarn). I was in a “mood” when I was with the girls, and 2 days later my mood worsened when my great aunt passed. The good of her passing was that she did not suffer and I’m sure she’s happy to be reunited with her husband. I also got to go see my family back east and though it was rough circumstances, it was still very good to see them. Playing cards with my aunt, uncle and cousin still sticks out in my mind as one of the more fond memories of the week. Neocon was also this month and despite ending a friendship after having the liquid courage of free martini’s, the martini’s were still a plus for the month!
In July we had our second BBQ at Beth’s for the 4th and then Chicago Summer Dance started. Adrienne and I spent quite a few weekends down in Grant Park learning how to do various dances. One of the better nights of dancing also involved us catching the fireworks from Venetian Night and ending up at the Intercontinental Hotel where we had the best Creme Brulee ever. Jody and I took a Monday off from our respective jobs and went to Hurricane Harbor at Six Flags. I still give her a little grief for not braving any of the slides with me, but we still had a great day on the Lazy River and the wave pool.
August started with Lollapalooza. I still say I’m unsure if I’ll go again next year, but I’m sure come April ‘09 I’ll be buying a ticket for it anyhow. Just before Lolla, I met Matt, which brought along some interesting dates/hanging out times throughout the month. Even though he’s lived in/around the city all his life, we’ve still managed to go to places that are new to both of us. We attempted to watch Blues Brothers during the movies in Grant Park, but we got rained out! Boo! I also fufilled a 4-year wish to be in a sailboat on Lake Michigan during August! Next year I want to see if I can get in with a crew and learn how to SAIL the boat – riding is one thing, but the whole process of throwing the sale up and steering just looks like so much fun!
And this month.. Well, I went back to Florida and instead of running around to see EVERYONE I hadn’t seen in 4 years I instead planned on seeing only Ginny and Josh. I was lucky to see Kristin too, and to go to Cassadaga to get a reading. I went to the beach again and helped Josh shop for some stuff for his new place. I treasure tete-a-tete time with Josh – it should happen more often. I gave blood for the first time in my life last week (and my arm is still sore from it). Over this past weekend Matt and I shared a 100$ wine flight that included wines from 1960-something and 1908! This week we’re going to go see Batman on the Imax screen and Wednesday we’re having our first (and perhaps only) flying trapeze lesson. I’ll be going back on the Points system for real (thanks to Jody joining it too – personal support rocks!) and I think on Friday I’m going to go to a Dar Williams concert on my own.
And then it’ll be the weekend and Monday it will be fall. And I’ll be ok with it because, well, that was one hell of a summer… but next year’s will be even better, right?
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September 8, 2008 at 11:35 am
· Filed under Chicago, anxiety, daydreaming, life, love, rants, vague, worry
In an email where I was complaining and compiling a list of things that are currently floating around in my head, the best advice came across my screen: Today is not a day to make decisions.
It’s so true. With the mindset I am in today, I’m likely to make a decision I’d regret later, so why make any at all? Instead, I’m trying not to stew. I’m trying not to be upset. I’m trying not to post something on the internet that would be words I couldn’t take back at a later date.
So, instead, you get this:
I’ve heard it’s possible to grow up. I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it.
Without parents to defy we break the rules we make for ourselves.
We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way.
We whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark.
We look for comfort where we can find it.
And we hope. Against all logic. Against all experience.
Like children, we never give up hope.
That, of course, is a quote from Grey’s Anatomy, Episode 18 of Season 2, entitled, “Yesterday.”
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August 26, 2008 at 9:48 am
· Filed under Chicago, anxiety, dating, daydreaming, family, job stuff, life, love, meditation, pisces, questions, travel, vague, worry
“What do you want?”
A simple question with a very complicated answer. Made even more complicated when you have two different ways you think you want your life to be and the sheer terror of choosing the wrong path leaves you feeling incomplete and uncertain.
In what I am now calling my “therapy sessions” (really they are calls to my bff in Florida), we discussed this whole want business and I came to a couple conclusions:
1. I still have a strong pull to the northeast. When I do imagine my life in the grandest of senses, I’m living somewhere either in Mass or Rhode Island – but within a couple hours of my paternal family.
2. This pull makes me feel guilty in a sense that I’m not feeling a pull to move to the northwest to be with my maternal family. However, I also realize that maybe the reason there isn’t a strong pull is because I am on the phone with my mother on an almost daily basis already and because there is strain with the rest of my family there. It’s not that I don’t want to resolve said strain, but it’s more like it’s just easier to avoid conflict than throw myself into it, if that makes sense.
3. I don’t know what this pull does to what I should be doing with my so-called love-life here in Chicago. If I’m not planning to leave the area for another couple years it would make sense not to get involved with someone, but what if it happens? I mean, it’s super easy to say, “I can’t see you because…”, but could I be turning down experiences I should be having? What if I move to say, Boston, and I’m miserable and want to come back to Chicago?
4. The big answer to “What do you want?” cannot be put into words right now, mostly because of that dual-path thing. In the simplest of terms, one path has me married with children, the other path has me working a fabulous career and traveling the world. It’s not to say there’s not a happy middle, but… one does make the other less likely.
When I said I was seeking clarity and a chance to be introspective on my upcoming trip to Florida, BFF was quick to point out that was exactly what I was looking for last time. What he doesn’t realize is that I FOUND some clarity during my last trip. I realized not all men are scum-sucking pigs and there are men out there who are truly faithful. Hell, if I hadn’t gone to Florida I wouldn’t of had the guts to speak my mind when things needed to be said. I’d still be sitting here, pretending that it’s ok for me to be walked upon.
Maybe this trip will help me solve the answer to the biggest question on the table – What DO I want??
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August 25, 2008 at 7:30 am
· Filed under anxiety, daydreaming, life, love, music, pisces, stupid, worry
The “menstrual girl” entry by Pamie (of pamie.com fame) is still one of my favorite blog reads. I’m not even on this schedule and yet today I feel like a combination of several of the days described.
It might have to do with me having Tori Amos blaring through my ipod at the moment and my desire to bawl my eyes out for no real reason other than just plain old release.
But, go read Pamie’s post… it’s hilarious, and it helped me smile this morning.
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August 22, 2008 at 8:51 am
· Filed under anxiety, dating, daydreaming, life, love, music, pisces, questions
Despite the fact I have Liz Phair singing in my ears at the moment, I still have an old Nelly Furtado song stuck in my head. Ever have one of those moments where you’ve heard a song over and over but suddenly the lyrics make a little more sense?
I’m like a bird,
I’ll only fly away…
I don’t know where my soul is,
I don’t know where my home is…
Hearing this song reminded me of this thing ex-m sent me once from this massive birthday book he has (which, I’ve also been hovering over the ‘1-click-purchase’ button on my amazon wishlist all morning for said book). Anyhow, this book breaks down astrology to the exact day you were born and explains your traits, who you’re compatible with, and what your biggest weaknesses are. I had to go way back in my email archives to find it, but here’s the line that stood out and how it related to Nelly Furtado up there:
Feb 28 people are regarded with deep affection by others, especially since they regard others positively, wish to please and entertain those around them and, moreover, harbor no ulterior motives. They may often find it is difficult to stay committed in their personal relationships, however.
It sort of brings me to another point I wanted to bring up: the difference between someone who cheated once and someone who is a cheat (that deserves a blog alone)… but what does it say about me if I’ve been on the other end of that cheating fence? In otherwords – I’ve been the one who people in committed relationships have come to and in some cases, I’ve given in and been the other woman. Is it a “Pisces thing”, for lack of a better term, that I’ve allowed myself to be the other woman but never THE woman because I cannot commit to anything for too long?
And yet, funny enough, commitment is what I’ve been looking for in someone else.
My mom used to get frustrated with me because I’d be all gung-ho to go somewhere then once we got there I’d start bugging her about where we were going next. My own best friend said to me, “You could be sitting on a patch of the greenest grass ever. It’s a gorgeous day outside. You’re peaceful, grinning, content. A few minutes pass and you start looking around and say, “Hey.. that patch of grass 5 feet away is pretty green.. I should go sit on it.”
You’re lovely but it’s not for sure
That I won’t ever change…
I’m a confused little bird, that’s for sure.
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August 18, 2008 at 8:23 am
· Filed under anxiety, dating, daydreaming, dreams, life, love, pisces
“For a kiss to be really good you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can’t get out of your head so that when your lips finally touch, you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air.
You can’t cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don’t want to. Because when you find that right person to first kiss… it’s everything. “
This Grey’s Anatomy quote is also the same episode where Alex comes up to Izzie in the bar, pulls her back off the bar stool and plants the best movie/tv-show kiss on her – EVER.
I had some bad dreams last night. I miss having someone to comfort me when I wake up barely able to breathe.
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August 15, 2008 at 9:16 am
· Filed under anxiety, dating, daydreaming, family, life, love, motivation, nostalgia, rants, self esteem, vague
I reference my life to lines from Friends all the time. I think it’s part of that whole I am determined to live my life as if it were a romantic comedy thing. Today is no different.
Today I am Chandler Bing. I am the person who can find the least little fault with someone and let it nag me enough to the point where I can’t be around that person anymore. I will not be the old man with a snake, as he was, but instead I fear I will become the old woman with all the cats – and in many ways, I already am.
I told someone this morning that if I reach 40 and I haven’t married then fuck-all: I’m going to register for things I need at the stores I love and I’m going to invite everyone to a large party to celebrate my commitment to myself. This, of course, won’t surprise those people who already disagree with my lifestyle and think I’m already self-indulgent, but fuck them too. Just because I didn’t marry young, just because I can down a bottle of wine on a Friday night if I want to, just because I don’t have children my life is not worthless.
I’ve also said to someone today that I am in a mood… I’m pretty sure I know now where this mood is coming from. It’s that same old nagging thing where I didn’t shut someone up before they told me too much information and I’m aware again that the mere fact that I forgot to take a breath when I was born has altered lives of those around me.
I have happy things going on in my life right now, but for some reason putting the negative out there in black and white (or whatever color scheme this blog is today) is making me feel better, a million times over.
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