Archive for family

Oooh blah dee.. Oooh blah dah..

January 5, 2009 at 8:40 am · Filed under Alzheimer's, family, life, motivation

I’m transferring some items from my 2008 day planner into my 2009 day planner and just came across the address to the nursing home my great aunt was staying in.  A sinking feeling in my stomach just hit.

I know it was her time.  I know she wasn’t “her” anymore when she passed.  When I focused on the good things that happened in 2008, I think a great many of those things happened because I knew she was finally free.  Her spirit long left her body before she actually passed on.

And I need to remember the things I’ve learned from her… To dance no matter who is paying attention… To take risks even when people think you’re looney… To laugh as much as possible… To sing, even if it’s off key.

Life goes on… and when I do finally meet up with her again someday I want her to see that I’ve lived my life the best way I knew how.

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Not bad… not bad..

December 31, 2008 at 8:56 am · Filed under daydreaming, debt, dreams, exercise, family, holidays, interior design, job stuff, knitting, life, love, motivation, travel

I knew I had one of these “resolution” posts floating around… so I checked it to see how I did for 2008.  All in all, not too shabby.  I do remember making a list half-way through the year of things I wanted to do by the end of the year and one of those items was to finish knitting a pair of socks and that SO did not happen.  Oh well.  At least there’s this:

- End the year with less debt.   Well, I can’t say this happened… but I certainly have a better idea of what my debt is – that counts for something, doesn’t it?  I also managed to get my cell phone to stop ringing with debt collector calls by changing my phone number.  heh.

- End the year with less fat.  I haven’t seen PJ since I’ve been back from my trip…  I did weigh myself this morning and I weigh exactly the same as I did last year on the first… does it count that I haven’t GAINED fat?

- End the year with less angst.  Much less angst-y about certain family situations.  Though, I have flown off the handle about relatively calm emails… I guess it means at least I’m not willing to be a doormat anymore.

- End the year with a nest-egg.  I do have one of these, though it might disappear once I have other dental work done in a couple weeks.  UGH.

- End the year with the same job I had at the beginning of the year.  I’d like this to continue through 2009 as well…  I totally enjoy working here and want to stay on for a while longer!!

- End the year having seen my paternal family.  Been there, done that… twice!  It sucks that it was done once for going to a funeral on my maternal side of the family, but… it reminded me how nice and caring they all can be!

 

As for 2009… here we go:

1. I’ll take the NCIDQ and pass it, first try.

2. I’ll end the year with less debt – for real.

3. As mentioned above, I’d like to end 2009 still at the job I’ve started it with.  Retail = never again!

4. I’d like to go to Ireland for a week.

5. I’ll visit my mother.

6. I’ll get my weight back under ___ lbs.

7. I’ll knit a pair of socks.

8. I’ll NOT have “ex-sex”.

9. I’ll upgrade my apartment (as in, get out of the studio… still waiting on word for that 1 bedroom.)

and finally

10. I’ll continue to do things because I want to do them, and not care what other people think or how crazy they seem.

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Pepper Spray!

December 30, 2008 at 11:01 am · Filed under family, funny, rants, stupid, travel

When I was back east I went to the Yankee Candle Factory in South Deerfield, MA.  This used to be a nice excursion to take because the candles were cheaper to buy there than they were to buy at a local Hallmark or Bed, Bath, and Beyond.  Now… not so much.   Where I used to be able to get 18 votive candles for 20 bucks I now paid 18 dollars for 12.  Pih on that, I say!

Anyhow, part of my mission while I was there was to get this Reed Diffuser for my mother.   My mom likes beach-y scents and I had bought her some candles of this scent once before and she really enjoyed it.  My sister had bought mom a diffuser for her birthday but she knew she’d need another one soon.  Anyhow, I obliged, made the purchase, plus some other candles, and called it a day.

With my candle purchases, and my yarn purchases at Webs, I had planned to mail a box back to myself so I wouldn’t have to check a bag at the airport.  I thought (and was proven wrong) Jetblue charged for checking a bag, but still… it seemed silly to check a small box when I could just mail it back to myself. 

However, with the power out in my hometown and the roads being hazardous all the way around, I never made it to the post office.   I figured with some creative packaging I could manage to fit the candles, mom’s gift, and the yarn in my carry-on after all. 

I was prepared for some static when I hit security at Logan Airport because I had purchased a pair of scissors at Wal-Mart and even though I had tucked them way in the bottom of my carry-on, I wasn’t sure if they’d let me through the gate with them or not.  So, when my bag was pulled aside, I shrugged and figured I wasn’t going to be able to knit while I was on the plane… What I was NOT prepared for was for the security guy to pull out the reed diffuser and tell me I couldn’t take it on the plane because it exceed the liquid limitations for carry-on items.   Sure, I could have checked my bag, but I was already running a little behind and I seriously have a fear of losing my luggage!   I allowed them to confiscate my mom’s present, and told the security guy he should give it to his wife for Christmas, as it’s a really nice, clean smell!

Ok, real quick, let me just say how stupid I thought it was that they confiscated the present, but didn’t say anything about the scissors in my bag, nor did they say anything about the brand new, full-sized bottle of hairgel I had not in my suitcase, but in my open purse carry-on.  But, whatever… I exceeded the liquid limitation and they took it. 

Fast forward to Christmas Eve.  I’m getting ready to go to the theater to see Jersey Boys and I decide I want to take my cute little Asian-print purse with me to the show, as I don’t need to bring a whole hell of a lot with me.   I remember that said little purse is still in my suitcase, as I never unpacked the small outside zipper-thingies and I brought it with me to MA.  I take out the purse and open it up to stick my wallet in it when I realize there is something in the purse.  I reach my hand in and you know what I pull out?  Pepper spray. 

Let me repeat: There was pepper spray IN MY CARRY-ON that went through security in Chicago, and again through security in Boston. 

PEPPER SPRAY.

Did TSA confiscate this?  No.  Of course not.

Did TSA confiscate my mother’s Yankee Candle Reed Diffuser?  Yep.  They sure did!

Freaking pepper spray got through security.  Twice.  I’m still shaking my head in disbelief!

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Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings…

December 23, 2008 at 9:53 am · Filed under anxiety, family, holidays, life, travel, worry

I haven’t really had much to say as of late, as it seems like everything in my life has revolved around the freaking weather.

I went to New England earlier in the month and got caught in a monster of an ice storm.  It knocked the power out of my small town for 4 days and they’ve continued to be pummelled by snow ever since. 

My mom, on the west coast, has been experiencing her share of snow too.  And me in the middle?  Well, it’s snowing right now and plans to do so for a while longer, if that says anything.  I keep threatening to move to Mexico as Florida is simply just not far enough south.  This is usually the time of year I love to see snow – I’m not usually fed up with it until January/February, but I’m feeling very Bah-Humbug lately.  Actually, it’s not even that – I feel like the holidays are already over anyhow because I went to visit my family at such a weird time.

I did want to share the mass quantities of driving I did while I was back east – I did this in the 2 days before the ice storm hit… I’m glad I did make the trip to western Mass when I did… I got to see the home of yarn.com (Webs), and I hit up the Yankee Candle factory.  My suitcase smelled really nice on the way back home.  Anyhow, here’s what my Tuesday and Wednesday looked like:

Tuesday was aprox 147 miles, and Wednesday was aprox 171 miles.  For someone with anxiety when it comes to driving…  that’s a whole lot of area covered.

Then, on Thursday I spent the day with my dad and had Lobster, Steamers, and passed out on his sofa.  I went back to my aunt and uncle’s place and that night the storm hit.  We spent Friday heating up water on the gas grill outside so we could have hot chocolate and I curled under 5 blankets and read Eclipse, the 3rd book of the Twilight series, by flashlight.

Anyhow, I’ve been back for a little over a week.  I managed to knit a pair of fingerless gloves for a coworker for our secret santa exchange and while knitting I listened to the 4th and final book of Twilight.  I’m contemplating a move down the hall from my existing apartment into a larger one, and I’ve got my oral surgery coming up this week. 

I’m rather bah-humbug and lonely all wrapped into one emotional mess.  This year has been so fabulous, I don’t want to end it on a bad note so I’m trying to work through the emotional crap and focus on the good.  It’s harder than it sounds.

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Live it out loud…

November 13, 2008 at 11:30 am · Filed under Chicago, aches & pains, debt, exercise, family, life, motivation, self esteem, volunteering, weight

OK.. brain dump about to commence:

I’ve had 2 sessions with PJ.  Last week was my first and I felt good afterwards and confident I’d be able to complete my ‘homework’, which was to make sure I got to the gym twice during the week to do cardio. 

I failed my homework by not going at all.

I don’t know if it was my failed homework, or if she was just trying to push more or what, but last night.  Holy Jesus did she kick my ass.  The first thing she did was get a stair-stepper, put it to it’s highest setting and then put 2 30lb weights on it.  I laughed a little as she walked over with the weights because I half-expected she was going to make me do something with them, but no.  She put the stair-stepper with the weights atop it parallel to a column.  She then got one of those little stretchy exercise bands, put it around the column and said, “Ok, use these for stability and do your squats – your butt should barely touch the weights.”  I had to do 15 of these.

Then there were other exercises, and 15 more squats.

More exercises, and another 15 more squats.

Two different exercises and just when I thought I was done she had me do 15 more squats.

In case you lost count?  60 squats.  “See, if I had told you at the start of the hour you’d be doing 60 squats you would have run away.”  She’s totally right.

Anyhow, I’m super amped up today and hope it lasts throughout the day so that I go home, toss on my gym clothes, and go do my cardio tonight.  My legs don’t hurt so much today, but I know they will tomorrow – and I REALLY won’t want to go tomorrow.

——————–

I had to bail on Morrie this Monday because I had had a headache that had gone on for over a week and decided to go to the doctor to make sure something serious wasn’t going on.  The doctor attributed it to girly matters and when I asked why I’d suddenly get splitting headaches when that was never a side-effect before she said, “welcome to your thirties.”  Ugh. 

Anyhow, it was good that I went because I found out a test I had earlier this year was abnormal and I was supposed to go in for a follow-up in 6 months.  Turns out that 6 months is THIS month, so I’ve got another dr’s appointment next Monday.  Here’s hoping all goes well with that and the abnormal test result was a fluke.

But, going back to Morrie, I’m going to go visit him tomorrow night after work.  He’s a pleasure to talk to and have I mentioned he’s an amazing painter? 

This weekend is also the Chicken Luncheon for the hospital group I’m volunteering for (how I met Morrie).  Andi is going to come along with me and we’re going to talk with seniors, wrap gifts for the holidays, and…I’m not sure what else but it should be fun!

—————-

I took a tele-class earlier this week about finding my inner “Greatness”.  I was a little indifferent about the class at first, but I’m rethinking some of the lessons we did during the class and finding out different things about myself that I wasn’t hyper-aware of.  The best thing I got from it was an assignment (I seem to get alot of those lately) to ask people who are near and dear to me to name a couple of things that make me “great” in their eyes.  Sure, it sounds like fishing for compliments, and maybe it is a little bit, but honestly? It was EXACTLY what I needed.  Amazingly enough, the best response from the emails I sent out came from my own mother.  I know deep down she loves me, but we’re not a verbal family when it comes to positive topics.  It’s nice to know that she doesn’t think some of the choices I’ve made are awful, which is what I thought she saw.

—————-

Operation Grow the Heck Up is about to commence.  This is the title of my budgeting plan and my attempt to get my credit back on track.  Rent is officially caught up (and even paid early for November), and I will be starting on the other cards officially at the start of the new year – but doing some small steps now in prep for it, such as making sure my utilities are caught up and I have groceries in the house and in general just having a better understanding of where my money is going.  I opened a second bank account and will set aside a set amount per paycheck as my “play” money.  I’ll use this for when I want yarn, or a concert ticket, or to go have drinks/dinner with friends.  The main account will simply be used to pay off bills and nothing more.  I’m literally going to freeze the checkcard (as in, put it in the freezer in a block of ice) and write checks for groceries and bills.

—————-

Lastly, I got a thank you card from the ex’s dad last night.  I had sent a sympathy card when I found out ex’s Grandma had passed away.  She had made the trek out to Chicago a couple years ago for my graduation and she always seemed pleased to see me when we’d visit CT.  His card to me was short and sweet, but very loving.  I miss that family so very much… I wish breaking up with one person didn’t mean you lost other people in the fray as well, but I can’t dwell on it too much.  I know how they feel about me, and they know how I feel about them.  The fact that my ex is out of the picture doesn’t change that.

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Take every chance you dare…

October 15, 2008 at 9:29 am · Filed under Chicago, Josh, anxiety, bummed, dating, family, life, love, motivation, rants, self esteem, volunteering

Wondering your own self-worth is never really a good thing and this week I’ve been doing a whole hell of a lot of it.
Therefore, in an effort to help boost my own self-confidence, I’m going to attempt to list 10 good things about myself. If you know me at all, I encourage you to please help me add to this list – yes, I’m fishing, but if I don’t start thinking more positively about myself, then, well… it ain’t going to be pretty.

This list is in no particular order:

1. I have a pretty sweet-ass job. The people I work with are nice, I’ve been allowed to travel (back to a place where I know people, no less), and I’m, for the most part, left to do what I think I do best – design. I’m nearing in on the 1-year mark here and I hope to make it to many more.

2. I have this amazing family… While things can be rocky on one side of the continent, I know I can always call my mother and tell her anything. She may not say anything I want to hear back, but in the end, I know she means well. On the other side I’ve got aunts, uncles, cousins… all these people care about me and they say I love you when they call or write and they live like the picturesque version of family I imagine in my head.

3. My friends are incredible. Between the gals at knitting and the people I’ve known all my life, I know who to call if I need a laugh or if I need to simply cry.

4. I have a roof over my head thanks to a very understanding landlord. While it’s a small little place, it’s spitting distance to the lake and very convenient for public transit.

5. I live in CHICAGO. Where there is theater and concerts and amazing restaurants… where I don’t need a car!

6. I’m willing to try most things at least once. This summer was a true testament of that – I danced, I sailed, I flew from a trapeze.

7. I’m going to be a volunteer very soon. I got my TB test this morning, and go back on Friday to have it looked at. By the end of this month I will have my very own ‘Morrie’ (which is what I’m going to call him from here on out because 1. I’m told I’ll be visiting a man who is an artist and 2. Hello? Tuesdays with Morrie? It’s perfect!)

8. People tell me I’m beautiful. Though, to be honest, I sometimes doubt the validity of this – when I polled men-friends of mine and asked them what my best attributes were, 3 of them immediately responded that I had a nice rack.

9. I’m a college graduate. Which, for a multiple-time high-school drop-out, that’s a pretty big deal. I have friends who have their high school diploma who never bothered with college.

10. Even when I’m feeling lonely, I’m never really alone – and if I am, it’s of my own doing.

 

…Ok, this list helps, but it still feels a little like bullshit that I have to tell myself these things in order to feel better about myself. It also still makes me wonder if I’m so fan-fucking-tastic, why am I alone in the romantic sense? Again, pulling notes from Josh’s book of whatnot, he’s pointed out to me that there have been men that were interested but I’ve pushed away because of one reason or another. I need to be ok with not-clicking with people and I need to be ok knowing that I may never have a great love of my life.

I need to be ok with knowing that “me” is all I’ve got.

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I will say…

October 3, 2008 at 11:47 am · Filed under family, holidays

One thing I will say is that I was just on the phone with my cousin, trying to organize who will be flying where and when for the holidays and when he told me his brother or mom would be picking him up from the airport I said I could find a different way back home because didn’t want to intrude on his family time -

His reply, “but, you’re family too.”

That really warmed my heart today.

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uggghhh….

October 3, 2008 at 10:04 am · Filed under anxiety, family, life

I am an emotional time-bomb, waiting to explode.

 

You get the vague-me today because I don’t feel like elaborating.

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On a mission to better myself.

October 1, 2008 at 7:18 am · Filed under Chicago, family, life, motivation, self esteem, volunteering

So Josh just called to tell me that what I told him last night about my latest idea, or endeavor, or whatever you want to call it…  he wanted to say he was proud of me and thought that it was a good thing for me to do.  “Like something out of a feel-good movie,” he said.   I am tickled that he called to tell me so, but as of yet the only thing I did was sign up on a website, send a couple emails to a director, and set up an appointment.

The big thing is this: I signed up yesterday with http://www.1-800-volunteer.org/.  I looked through the volunteer opportunities that were close to home and found one that caught my eye:

The role the friendly visitors play in our long-term care program is incalculable. Friendly Visitors first and foremost provide companionship to home-bound elderly persons who are isolated and in need of emotional support and friendship. Friendly Visitors also assist with such things as running errands, shopping, and telephone reassurance calls. We match volunteers with elderly who live in the same neighborhood.

Like I said above – I am not, as of yet, assigned to anyone, but I will be meeting with the coordinator of the program next week to hopefully get the ball rolling.

So, why am I doing this?  Well, I’ve come up with a few answers…

1. I am really striving to better myself, and what better way to start than to help someone else?

2. I’m realizing I need a schedule in order to not be so lazy.  Left to my own devices, if I have nothing better to do I will sit in one of my comfy chairs and watch hours and hours of tv – sometimes while knitting, oftentimes just sitting there and zoning out while my dishes fester in the kitchen sink and the catbox goes unnoticed.

3. Catholic guilt.  I can’t change the fact that I wasn’t there for my Great Aunt when she needed me, but I can hopefully feel less guilty about it by being there for someone else.

4. Volunteering just feels good.  I’ve done it before, I’ve been encouraged to do it again – but of course if someone suggests it then I’m not nearly as interested as when I come up with the idea again, several months later.

Anyhow… this is the latest undertaking in my life.  I’ll know more about it later but for now – I’m really excited :)   I think the praise from Josh, while nice, is still premature.  It’s nice to know that he’s behind my decision though.

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A lot can happen in a week

September 15, 2008 at 12:07 pm · Filed under Alzheimer's, Chicago, Josh, anxiety, dating, daydreaming, family, job stuff, knitting, life, love, motivation, nostalgia, pisces, self esteem, travel, weight

I looked at the calendar today and noticed there is exactly one week left of summer.  I noticed some of the trees were starting to change colors last week, and the weather is certainly cooler – I just, for some reason, am not ready for the official declaration of it being autumn and no longer being summer – or maybe I am.

I think much of it has to do with this spring/summer being one of the best since I moved to the city – remember last year when I was almost wishing not to have a job so I could take advantage of all Chicago had to offer int he summer and then I did lose my job and it sucked?  Well, this year has proved that I can in fact have my cake (job) and eat all the good Chicago-ness too!  Let’s take a look at what good times were had, shall we?

In April I got to go to Florida for the first time in 4 years.  I spent time with Ginny, went downtown.  I spent time with Josh, went to the beach.  I drove down A1A through Cape Canaveral and saw the house my mom and I rented once upon a time on the beach.

In May I met Jen Lancaster at a book signing (ok, “met” is a strong word…  I got my picture taken with her (said photo will be used as a good ‘before’ photo when I lose a bunch of weight)).  Andi graduated and had a birthday which meant dinner with her family and drinks with the gals from knitting group.  We also met Jemaine and Bret after the Flight of the Conchords show (2 more pics also for the before book) and I won tickets to see KT Tunstall – again.  Beth had a birthday at the end of the month and she and I had AWESOME seats to Avenue Q!  We chugged champagne before walking in the theater to see naked puppets.  Our knitting group also had the first of the BBQ’s at Beth’s place on Memorial Day.

June had some mixed feelings, but from the bad came some good.  Elizabeth had a birthday bowling party which was pretty darn fun and a few days later I got my first and only spinning lesson (spinning as in spinning yarn).  I was in a “mood” when I was with the girls, and 2 days later my mood worsened when my great aunt passed.  The good of her passing was that she did not suffer and I’m sure she’s happy to be reunited with her husband.  I also got to go see my family back east and though it was rough circumstances, it was still very good to see them.  Playing cards with my aunt, uncle and cousin still sticks out in my mind as one of the more fond memories of the week.  Neocon was also this month and despite ending a friendship after having the liquid courage of free martini’s, the martini’s were still a plus for the month!

In July we had our second BBQ at Beth’s for the 4th and then Chicago Summer Dance started.  Adrienne and I spent quite a few weekends down in Grant Park learning how to do various dances.  One of the better nights of dancing also involved us catching the fireworks from Venetian Night and ending up at the Intercontinental Hotel where we had the best Creme Brulee ever.   Jody and I took a Monday off from our respective jobs and went to Hurricane Harbor at Six Flags.  I still give her a little grief for not braving any of the slides with me, but we still had a great day on the Lazy River and the wave pool. 

August started with Lollapalooza.  I still say I’m unsure if I’ll go again next year, but I’m sure come April ‘09 I’ll be buying a ticket for it anyhow.  Just before Lolla, I met Matt, which brought along some interesting dates/hanging out times throughout the month.  Even though he’s lived in/around the city all his life, we’ve still managed to go to places that are new to both of us.  We attempted to watch Blues Brothers during the movies in Grant Park, but we got rained out!  Boo!  I also fufilled a 4-year wish to be in a sailboat on Lake Michigan during August!  Next year I want to see if I can get in with a crew and learn how to SAIL the boat – riding is one thing, but the whole process of throwing the sale up and steering just looks like so much fun!

And this month.. Well, I went back to Florida and instead of running around to see EVERYONE I hadn’t seen in 4 years I instead planned on seeing only Ginny and Josh.  I was lucky to see Kristin too, and to go to Cassadaga to get a reading.  I went to the beach again and helped Josh shop for some stuff for his new place.  I treasure tete-a-tete time with Josh – it should happen more often.  I gave blood for the first time in my life last week (and my arm is still sore from it).  Over this past weekend Matt and I shared a 100$ wine flight that included wines from 1960-something and 1908!  This week we’re going to go see Batman on the Imax screen and Wednesday we’re having our first (and perhaps only) flying trapeze lesson.   I’ll be going back on the Points system for real (thanks to Jody joining it too – personal support rocks!) and I think on Friday I’m going to go to a Dar Williams concert on my own. 

And then it’ll be the weekend and Monday it will be fall.  And I’ll be ok with it because, well, that was one hell of a summer… but next year’s will be even better, right?

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