There is so much more going on, but right now, this is the happiest little nugget I want to share with everyone:
Mailing off the supporting documents to take this test is the first step to justifying my years of school and work.
This year is going to be crazy with studying, but come October, after I pass all 3 sections on the first try (because I HAVE to), I can officially call myself an Interior Designer.
And THAT, my friends, will ROCK.
I recently added my thesis professor to my flickr contacts. Going through his personal sketches and photos of student work and his own design projects has reminded me of that high that I got in design school. The thrill of having a blank canvas, no budget, and sheer creativity on my side.
With everything potentially falling apart at work, I think I needed this boost of inspiration. It makes me want to dig out my thesis and finish it (which, every 6 months or so I say I’m going to do it but come up with a million excuses why I can’t… no time, my computer isn’t strong enough to process the images, etc. etc). It also makes me that much more confident in making sure I study my ass off for the NCIDQ so I can take it and pass it this year.
IF by some stroke of bad luck I end up unemployed, it will seem very silly to spend 1500 on a test, but if I wait to take it, I know I’ll regret the decision. I have to take this test as soon as the opportunity arises, and, as of next Monday, the biggest requirement – 3520 working hours – will have been met. A couple forms later and I’ll have all I need to get going.
I CAN do this. I WILL do this.
I’m inspired.
I knew I had one of these “resolution” posts floating around… so I checked it to see how I did for 2008. All in all, not too shabby. I do remember making a list half-way through the year of things I wanted to do by the end of the year and one of those items was to finish knitting a pair of socks and that SO did not happen. Oh well. At least there’s this:
- End the year with less debt. Well, I can’t say this happened… but I certainly have a better idea of what my debt is – that counts for something, doesn’t it? I also managed to get my cell phone to stop ringing with debt collector calls by changing my phone number. heh.
- End the year with less fat. I haven’t seen PJ since I’ve been back from my trip… I did weigh myself this morning and I weigh exactly the same as I did last year on the first… does it count that I haven’t GAINED fat?
- End the year with less angst. Much less angst-y about certain family situations. Though, I have flown off the handle about relatively calm emails… I guess it means at least I’m not willing to be a doormat anymore.
- End the year with a nest-egg. I do have one of these, though it might disappear once I have other dental work done in a couple weeks. UGH.
- End the year with the same job I had at the beginning of the year. I’d like this to continue through 2009 as well… I totally enjoy working here and want to stay on for a while longer!!
- End the year having seen my paternal family. Been there, done that… twice! It sucks that it was done once for going to a funeral on my maternal side of the family, but… it reminded me how nice and caring they all can be!
As for 2009… here we go:
1. I’ll take the NCIDQ and pass it, first try.
2. I’ll end the year with less debt – for real.
3. As mentioned above, I’d like to end 2009 still at the job I’ve started it with. Retail = never again!
4. I’d like to go to Ireland for a week.
5. I’ll visit my mother.
6. I’ll get my weight back under ___ lbs.
7. I’ll knit a pair of socks.
8. I’ll NOT have “ex-sex”.
9. I’ll upgrade my apartment (as in, get out of the studio… still waiting on word for that 1 bedroom.)
and finally
10. I’ll continue to do things because I want to do them, and not care what other people think or how crazy they seem.
So, I’ve had 3 brushes with “fame” over the past few week or so. There was Jen Lancaster’s book signing last Tuesday, and last night I got autographs and photos with both members of Flight of the Conchords.
I also saw Eddie Izzard walking out of the Chicago Theater, but I have no photographic evidence of this – but take my word for it… he looked FABULOUS.
Anyhow, I’d LOVE to show you the photo I got of me and Jen, and of me and Bret, and of me and Jemaine, but the thing is someone has taken over the upper half of my body and has thrown all my extra weight in my arms, face, and boobs. In EVERY photo I’m sporting a double chin, and in a couple of them I’m sporting the largest arms on the planet.
Self Esteem = 0.
I had to go back and check a photo of me with a celebrity from a while back (Summer of 2003, 5 years ago) to see if I had always looked as bad as I think I do in these recent ones, and you know, I didn’t:
I’m not crazy skinny here, I’m wearing a size 14 pant, which had some give to it, and I was wearing one of my favorite shirts which I know I would never be able to wear anymore (and I don’t think I even own it anymore). The most important thing to note, aside from yes, that’s Frank Bielec from Trading Spaces, is that I only have ONE chin.
What’s even more sick about this photo? That scribbled out guy is my ex. Now? He’s lost quite a decent amount of weight – his fat cells have somehow transferred themself onto my body!
If I could truly believe that – that the extra weight I’m carrying around is burden left over from the relationship-of-which-I-don’t-want-to-speak-of… maybe, just maybe, I might have enough motivation to have my next photo with a celeb be one in which there are 2 chins: The celebrity’s and mine.
In the meantime, I have my first appointment with a nutritionist this evening. I know he/she is going to make me keep a food diary and… yeah. Not looking forward to it, but perhaps this is exactly what I need right now. For what it’s worth, I’ve printed out the pictures of me with Jen, Bret, and Jemaine, as well as the photo with Frank above. I want he/she to understand why I’m suddenly miserable in my body. I hope I find the motivation to love the body I’m in again.
2 years ago today I walked down the aisle.
The aisle in question was one where I was wearing a cap and gown, someone called my name, I walked across a stage, and picked up an empty folder that would later house my diploma.
My graduation weekend was wonderful, and looking back on it – such an act. My ex’s family kept making nudges that the next time they saw us together we’d be engaged. I came across a ring box that, when I opened it, there was a band with 4-5 diamonds on it. I talked to my best friend about it on the way to the airport. Said friend asked me point blank, “If he asks you, what would you say?” I honestly couldn’t answer him. I’ve always wanted the engagement, wedding, and marriage – but something in my gut knew that ex was not the guy I should have all those things with.
2 days later, a different ring box, this one from Tiffany, was hidden in the coffee table for me. My heart beat fast as I opened it (because I had made a previous request that out of all the Tiffany things he could buy me (and he had already purchased 3 other things), if he were to buy a ring I wanted it to be The ring). Inside was a really beautiful Tiffany Lace Ring. So here’s a guy I’ve been dating for about 5 years, giving me a ring box from Tiffany, with diamonds on it… I had to ask, “Uhm… is this for…” he replied, “Your right-hand.”
I wore the ring for a month before we decided to break up. It was one of the first things I sold too. I couldn’t stand to look at it, and yet I cried when it was gone. I’ve vowed to buy myself a true right-hand ring (of course from Tiffany) when the time is right. And there will never be a tear shed for it.
So, there’s this little boardwalk path in North East Palm Bay (Florida) that my best friend and I took a walk down yesterday. New, since the last time I had been there, were all these carved messages in the planks. I’m positive it’s a donated sort of thing – most were messages saying In Loving Memory Of… but there were a few that stood out:
I hope Priscilla said yes.
This other one though… here’s where I need your help. What do you suppose this means?
You are my soap. The hopeless romantic in me says, “aww!” but I have NO idea what they are implying!! I’m sure it’s an inside joke… maybe someone once had a sordid past and Fawn helped Keith clean up his act? Either way, it made me pause, ponder, and photograph it. What do you suppose it means?
The trip was a success, work-wise, I think. I guess I’ll find out for sure tomorrow.
Emotionally… the trip took it’s toll on me. I am thankful to have wonderful friends to lean on and especially greatful to one in particular who can bring me away from my tears and into laughter in a matter of seconds. Of course, the way he did this was by telling me I look like a manatee, but… whatever.
I haven’t mentioned it here, but I’m going to Florida next week for work and pleasure.
The work bit of this trip comes exactly one year to the day I was laid off from my former job (a week later the company went under, which is usually what I say, but… whatever.) Anyhow, the work trip is awesome not only due to location, but because I get to see something I space planned come to fruition! I’ll admit it wasn’t a full-fledged “design” job, really it was a matter of planning the space and deciding that the panels should alternate between blue and green but still – I’ve stared at this floor plan for weeks on end and starting next Monday it’s going to be real!
So, there’s the work meeting, which will be great, and then when all that is over with, other happy things happen:
I’m renting a car, which means I get to DRIVE for almost 4 full days!
I’m going to stay with Ginny, who was just up here for my birthday!
I’m going to see my old coworkers at lunch, and swing by my former boss’ wine store.
I’m going to get to go to my favorite bar and club on a Friday night and DANCE! I will probably pass out after one song, but whatever.
I’m going to drive over to the beach AND plan to actually lay on the beach to get a little sun AND play in the ocean! I haven’t seen the Atlantic in over 4 years!
I’m going to stay with Josh (splatterblog over there on the side) and Gabby (his gf) while over on the coast side of the state, which is awesome and a half! I haven’t seen Gabby since I moved, and I haven’t seen Josh since he came up here for my graduation!
And then I come back to Chicago – which I have come to know as home. When I first started planning this trip it dawned on me that this really IS the place I call home. I mean, the town my dad is in will always be my “home town”, but as for the place I am making a name for myself – well that’s right here in Chicago.
It’s only taken me 4+ years to finally say that.
There was a series of graffiti floating around Chicago a couple years ago with messages similar to the one above. Simple little notes to remind you that things aren’t always as bad as they could be; notes to keep you motivated to better yourself.
It’s nearly spring, which is when I wax nostalgia about things I could have done differently and would like to vow to make better for the future. Finding that photo in the midst of the rest of my flickr photos couldn’t have just been by accident – it could be that I need to stop worrying and grow the fuck up when it comes to certain things.
And so, I’m making a decision I hope to not regret: I’m going to stay in my apartment for another year. I’m going to get over the mindset that I need a wall, another room, more space for more junk. I’m going to make the most of my place and I’m going to start with a coat of paint on a wall. (maybe 2-3 coats of paint, if I do the color I’m thinking…) I’m going to save my pennies and get some real furniture and not cheap, must-have-a-sofa-because-it-makes-sense-for-the-ex-to-have-the-fancier-one, items off craigslist. I’ll take down the clock that doesn’t work and replace it with some sort of art that is worthy of taking up a large chunk of wall. I’ll get curtains.
I won’t do this all at once, of course… baby steps. But, I will make this place more livable for myself and my kids (cats).
There’s more to this whole rebirth thing than being more organized and making my place look pretty, but I’ve got to work out the kinks of the finances before I start talking about that.
The whole point is, I HAVE nothing to lose – but everything to gain.
I have to choose my words wisely here, because much of this time (and 1997 to come) will involve my sister and I think that even if I say the nicest things I’ll hear back from my mother that she’s pissed I talked about her on the internet at all.
But the truth is, living in Seattle with her, my Brother-in-Law, and our roommate Eric was fun… we, for the most part, genuinely had a great time. Some key things I remember:
-Random road trips to Seattle where we always ended somehow listening to Tool over the Tacoma Narrows bridge.
-Always cooking dinner together, and somehow the subject of Eric’s penis always made it into conversation.
-Sitting in the hottub outside while it was snowing.
-The rare moments when no one else was home and I had free reign over the stereo to blast things like Hanson or the Spice Girls.
—-
I had 2 friends while I lived in Seattle: Molly and Mark. I met both of them in very different ways.
Molly was Mormon, and was interning at the Sign Shop I worked at for a while. Molly was attending college on Bainbridge Island and when I went to her graduation (it was an art school) I got my first glimpses of what Interior Design students produce. Molly herself was in Graphic Design. Molly hated scary movies, so I’d bring them to her place. She also had word magnets on the back of her door and I would make them say vulgar things before I left. I don’t know why I was on a mission to corrupt her – let’s blame it on being young and silly.
Mark was a different story. He and I met while waiting in line for tickets to see Tori Amos. He was this 6′7″ Asian man wearing a yellow beanie – you couldn’t miss him! I had been talking to some people in the area via ICQ and found out that one of these people happened to know Mark. They invited me up to Bellingham (Mark was a student at Western Washingington University at the time), and, I went! Drove 3 hours to hang out with some people I met off the internet.
Mark and I hit it off well, but never really became boyfriend/girlfriend, but we might as well have been since we spent quite a bit of time together.
My best memory of Mark is this: 4th of July on Bainbridge Island… they had a street fair and this was back when Swing Dancing made a mini comeback. Mark, as tall as he was, knew how to dance. At the time, I was holding steady at a nice 145-150lbs and was eager to learn how to dance. After he taught me the basic steps, he twisted and twirled me all over the street – flinging me over his head, through his legs, around his waist. It was by far one of the most fun experiences ever.
Sifting through my former journal last night looking for memory triggers of 2003 was both amusing and painful. I found this little nugget:
So, what would you think if you came home to a face of a computer upside down with a thing of ramen noodles on one side, and chunky peanut butter with army men on the other? – This was a strange “thinking about you” gift (?) from my friend Josh. I seriously thought it was a bomb and was really really close to calling 911.
Other things were more looking towards the future by filling out meme’s -
1. What is the image of your best life as your currently can imagine it? What about your best life 5 years from now? 10?
My best life right now would involve me being able to go to school full-time, and work part-time. I would like to be able to take my classes in the mornings or early afternoons, work the other portion of the day, and have my evenings free. I would like my part-time job to be something that will help my career or at least give me some working knowledge of the field (home depot? expo? lowes? joanne’s?).
5 years from now I would like to be juggling work and my home life. I’d like to be a successful designer, and have traveled to Europe at least twice, if not more. Still not ready for kids, as I’m still working on making my name the one people remember when they want someone to design something cool for their house.
10 years from now I would like to have a family. My one child will be about 2-3 and I’ll have a few less clients, but the ones I have will have been the ones I’ve had since the beginning.
I’m happy to say that for the most part I’ve accomplished the school bit, and now that I’m in a stable job, I’m doing well on the “making a name for myself” bit. The major thing that has changed is that I have zero interest in owning my own company doing residential design. Also, if I’m going to have a 2-3 year old child by the time I’m 35, I’d better get cracking on finding a companion who doesn’t run on a couple of batteries.
Other memories I won’t copy here brought back that whole hindsight thing. If the journal I have saved on my hard-drive was someone else’s I’d be making 10 billion snide comments about “why do you let him treat you this way” and “what are you thinking”. I allowed myself to get pissed off about what I was reading for 5 minutes and then let it go. If things had not turned out the way they had, those dreams of becoming a designer would probably still be just that – dreams.
Which is where the big thing that happened when I turned 25 comes into play: This was the year I officially changed my major from nursing to interior design. This was also the year I made the goal that I would be degreed before I turned 30, which I achieved. And while the other stuff that happened to get me to the degreed point could have been better at times, I wouldn’t be sitting where I am today if it hadn’t happened.
