Archive for love

In Cyber-land we only drink Diet Coke.

April 22, 2009 at 6:54 am · Filed under dating, dreams, love

Last night, I had a dream.  I found myself in the middle of a desert called Cyber-land…

…oops, wrong dream.
Anyhow, I really did have a dream and in it I was swimming and shouting out all these things to my friends who were on the shore about what I hoped the man of my dreams to be like – older, kind, funny, trustworthy… I got to the end of wherever I was swimming, hopped out of the water and jumped back in. 

As I started swimming in the other direction I literally bumped into a man who was also swimming – his name was Nathaniel.  The only other thing I remember from the dream was that he was 41 and somehow, I knew, the second I saw him, he was the one.

…I’m posting this, just in case I happen to meet a guy who is either 41 or named Nathaniel any time in the near future.

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Have I found you, flightless bird?

January 16, 2009 at 9:31 pm · Filed under anxiety, dating, love, meditation, nostalgia, questions

My friend Jackie, whom I met at the So You Think You Can Dance tour, knows exactly what to say and/or what to point me towards pretty much every time I speak to her.   On New Year’s Day I was texting with her and telling her about my crying session at midnight when she asked me flat out why I felt like I needed a man in my life.  I thought about it for a moment, typed several things out and they all sounded trite.  She then sent me an article she got in her Daily OM about singlehood versus partnership.  The timing was impeccable; the article exactly what I needed.

I’ve been subscribing to the emails ever since.

The latest email from the OM talks about clearing space in your life… not hanging on to inanimate objects because you think you might like to see them again someday.  Again, right on the money.

See, I have this paper journal from the ‘days of the ex’.  I used it when I didn’t feel comfortable blogging online, even if I kept it private or friends-only.  I used to keep it out, I think now in the vain hope he’d snoop and read it and see how much some of the things he did really hurt my feelings – This book housed most of the things I should have opened my mouth about in the 5 years we were dating.

And I still have it.  And yes, I’ve flipped through it from time to time and it still hurts to read every word on those pages.   Is it worth keeping?  Do I need to hang on to this book that houses nothing but negativity?  Is simply having it under my roof giving me bad juju?  I’ve pictured myself going to the concrete steps of the harbor with a lighter and just allowing it to burn onto itself (with hopes nothing else catches fire around and I get arrested for arson or something ridiculous like that), but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it.

I’ve contemplated mailing it to him- as a these are the things I never said gesture, but I certainly know better than that.  And I know for a fact the exercise would be lost on him and I’d end up hurt.

In resolving to once and for all put him behind me (and, let’s face it… a big part of why he’s still even in the picture is there hasn’t been another “boyfriend” since he and I broke up… I’d almost welcome a brief one just so I can stop calling him “the ex”) should I let the most painful of my memories go up in smoke?  It’s not like if those words disappear from physical form they’ll also disappear from my brain…

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Not bad… not bad..

December 31, 2008 at 8:56 am · Filed under daydreaming, debt, dreams, exercise, family, holidays, interior design, job stuff, knitting, life, love, motivation, travel

I knew I had one of these “resolution” posts floating around… so I checked it to see how I did for 2008.  All in all, not too shabby.  I do remember making a list half-way through the year of things I wanted to do by the end of the year and one of those items was to finish knitting a pair of socks and that SO did not happen.  Oh well.  At least there’s this:

- End the year with less debt.   Well, I can’t say this happened… but I certainly have a better idea of what my debt is – that counts for something, doesn’t it?  I also managed to get my cell phone to stop ringing with debt collector calls by changing my phone number.  heh.

- End the year with less fat.  I haven’t seen PJ since I’ve been back from my trip…  I did weigh myself this morning and I weigh exactly the same as I did last year on the first… does it count that I haven’t GAINED fat?

- End the year with less angst.  Much less angst-y about certain family situations.  Though, I have flown off the handle about relatively calm emails… I guess it means at least I’m not willing to be a doormat anymore.

- End the year with a nest-egg.  I do have one of these, though it might disappear once I have other dental work done in a couple weeks.  UGH.

- End the year with the same job I had at the beginning of the year.  I’d like this to continue through 2009 as well…  I totally enjoy working here and want to stay on for a while longer!!

- End the year having seen my paternal family.  Been there, done that… twice!  It sucks that it was done once for going to a funeral on my maternal side of the family, but… it reminded me how nice and caring they all can be!

 

As for 2009… here we go:

1. I’ll take the NCIDQ and pass it, first try.

2. I’ll end the year with less debt – for real.

3. As mentioned above, I’d like to end 2009 still at the job I’ve started it with.  Retail = never again!

4. I’d like to go to Ireland for a week.

5. I’ll visit my mother.

6. I’ll get my weight back under ___ lbs.

7. I’ll knit a pair of socks.

8. I’ll NOT have “ex-sex”.

9. I’ll upgrade my apartment (as in, get out of the studio… still waiting on word for that 1 bedroom.)

and finally

10. I’ll continue to do things because I want to do them, and not care what other people think or how crazy they seem.

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More Forgiveness…

November 12, 2008 at 11:01 am · Filed under life, love, motivation

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you condone their behavior.  It simply means you are ridding yourself of the negative energy used to harbor hurt feelings.  It gives you the ability to focus your energy on more important things – namely yourself.

It’s not a verbatim quote, but it is just one of the items I got out of my tele-class last evening entitled, “Discover your Greatness.”

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My precious… let me show you it!

November 4, 2008 at 1:07 pm · Filed under Alzheimer's, life, love

I didn’t want to say anything until I had it in my hands (and on my hand, in case it didn’t fit), but last week I squealed with excitement when I found the Equus ring on ebay.  I emailed the seller, made a deal, and here it is!

I was worried about the fit, even though I went into Tiffany over the weekend to try on a size 6.5… the one ring they gave me to try on was way too small and the salesperson told me it was a 7.5!  I thought this might end up being a pinkie ring…

But nope!  She fits just right on my ring finger on my right hand.  I’ll drop her off at the store within the next couple days to make sure she’s 1, for real and 2, nice and clean.  In the meantime, she’s happy to be on my hand.

And whenever I look at her, I will think of my Great Aunt.

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Take every chance you dare…

October 15, 2008 at 9:29 am · Filed under anxiety, bummed, Chicago, dating, family, Josh, life, love, motivation, rants, self esteem, volunteering

Wondering your own self-worth is never really a good thing and this week I’ve been doing a whole hell of a lot of it.
Therefore, in an effort to help boost my own self-confidence, I’m going to attempt to list 10 good things about myself. If you know me at all, I encourage you to please help me add to this list – yes, I’m fishing, but if I don’t start thinking more positively about myself, then, well… it ain’t going to be pretty.

This list is in no particular order:

1. I have a pretty sweet-ass job. The people I work with are nice, I’ve been allowed to travel (back to a place where I know people, no less), and I’m, for the most part, left to do what I think I do best – design. I’m nearing in on the 1-year mark here and I hope to make it to many more.

2. I have this amazing family… While things can be rocky on one side of the continent, I know I can always call my mother and tell her anything. She may not say anything I want to hear back, but in the end, I know she means well. On the other side I’ve got aunts, uncles, cousins… all these people care about me and they say I love you when they call or write and they live like the picturesque version of family I imagine in my head.

3. My friends are incredible. Between the gals at knitting and the people I’ve known all my life, I know who to call if I need a laugh or if I need to simply cry.

4. I have a roof over my head thanks to a very understanding landlord. While it’s a small little place, it’s spitting distance to the lake and very convenient for public transit.

5. I live in CHICAGO. Where there is theater and concerts and amazing restaurants… where I don’t need a car!

6. I’m willing to try most things at least once. This summer was a true testament of that – I danced, I sailed, I flew from a trapeze.

7. I’m going to be a volunteer very soon. I got my TB test this morning, and go back on Friday to have it looked at. By the end of this month I will have my very own ‘Morrie’ (which is what I’m going to call him from here on out because 1. I’m told I’ll be visiting a man who is an artist and 2. Hello? Tuesdays with Morrie? It’s perfect!)

8. People tell me I’m beautiful. Though, to be honest, I sometimes doubt the validity of this – when I polled men-friends of mine and asked them what my best attributes were, 3 of them immediately responded that I had a nice rack.

9. I’m a college graduate. Which, for a multiple-time high-school drop-out, that’s a pretty big deal. I have friends who have their high school diploma who never bothered with college.

10. Even when I’m feeling lonely, I’m never really alone – and if I am, it’s of my own doing.

 

…Ok, this list helps, but it still feels a little like bullshit that I have to tell myself these things in order to feel better about myself. It also still makes me wonder if I’m so fan-fucking-tastic, why am I alone in the romantic sense? Again, pulling notes from Josh’s book of whatnot, he’s pointed out to me that there have been men that were interested but I’ve pushed away because of one reason or another. I need to be ok with not-clicking with people and I need to be ok knowing that I may never have a great love of my life.

I need to be ok with knowing that “me” is all I’ve got.

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Someone’s bound to hear my cry…

October 10, 2008 at 8:23 am · Filed under bummed, Chicago, life, love, motivation, stupid, volunteering, worry

I went to meet with the director of the volunteer program yesterday. I need to have a TB test done, assist with a luncheon, and pass a criminal background check and then I’m all set to be a volunteer. He handed me a rather large handbook to look over.

I thought of another reason I wanted to do this specific program while I was on my way to the hospital yesterday. See, back in 2004 when I ended up in the hospital with my blood clot, it was a different hospital, but they both fall under the same umbrella of health care providers. Anyhow, when my hospitalization happened I was a student, I had no health insurance, and was working part-time. My bill was over $17K and the hospital, through one of it’s many programs that have since been cut due to this whole financial crisis, was written off in its entirety. I know it’s 4 years later and now I’m getting around to ‘repaying’ them, but… yeah.

Other stuff:

I’m sad. Just, plain ol sadness. After watching Grey’s Anatomy last night I just sat in my chair for a minute and cried. I know part of it is being lonely, but I don’t know what all of it is about. I know I could have picked up a phone and called someone, but I think I more or less was hoping someone would have picked up on my sadness through osmosis or something and made me feel better about myself.

And I know it’s wrong to expect someone else to solve my problems, which makes me feel even more sad that I can’t figure this shit out for myself.

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giggle *snort*

September 24, 2008 at 10:39 am · Filed under job stuff, life, love

I love moments where I laugh so hard it hurts, or I cry, or I snort.

This latest one came as I was minding my own business, plugging away in AutoCAD when all of a sudden a stress ball came bouncing off my overhead bin and onto my desk.  I let out a, “Jesus Christ!” and then proceeded to start laughing.  I walked over to my coworker who heard me and was laughing just as hard herself.   When she caught her breath she asked if I got her email… I said, “Uhm… no..”  and giggled my way back to my desk.

When I got back to my desk I saw the email – “Subject:HEADS UP!!!!!!!!”

teehee!

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Are you listening?

September 21, 2008 at 7:46 pm · Filed under Chicago, dating, daydreaming, life, love, music, pisces, questions

I am longing to be in love.

There.  I said it.

Come on, universe… throw someone good at me.  I’m convinced my soulmate (if there is such a thing) is not sitting out there on match.com or eharmony or any of those sites.  He’s not some former lover who I look at through rose-colored glasses. 

I wish I knew where the heck he was because everyone keeps telling me to stop looking for him and he’ll find me.  What if people are telling him to stop looking too?

Hear me
I’m cryin’ out
I’m ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me

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A lot can happen in a week

September 15, 2008 at 12:07 pm · Filed under Alzheimer's, anxiety, Chicago, dating, daydreaming, family, job stuff, Josh, knitting, life, love, motivation, nostalgia, pisces, self esteem, travel, weight

I looked at the calendar today and noticed there is exactly one week left of summer.  I noticed some of the trees were starting to change colors last week, and the weather is certainly cooler – I just, for some reason, am not ready for the official declaration of it being autumn and no longer being summer – or maybe I am.

I think much of it has to do with this spring/summer being one of the best since I moved to the city – remember last year when I was almost wishing not to have a job so I could take advantage of all Chicago had to offer int he summer and then I did lose my job and it sucked?  Well, this year has proved that I can in fact have my cake (job) and eat all the good Chicago-ness too!  Let’s take a look at what good times were had, shall we?

In April I got to go to Florida for the first time in 4 years.  I spent time with Ginny, went downtown.  I spent time with Josh, went to the beach.  I drove down A1A through Cape Canaveral and saw the house my mom and I rented once upon a time on the beach.

In May I met Jen Lancaster at a book signing (ok, “met” is a strong word…  I got my picture taken with her (said photo will be used as a good ‘before’ photo when I lose a bunch of weight)).  Andi graduated and had a birthday which meant dinner with her family and drinks with the gals from knitting group.  We also met Jemaine and Bret after the Flight of the Conchords show (2 more pics also for the before book) and I won tickets to see KT Tunstall – again.  Beth had a birthday at the end of the month and she and I had AWESOME seats to Avenue Q!  We chugged champagne before walking in the theater to see naked puppets.  Our knitting group also had the first of the BBQ’s at Beth’s place on Memorial Day.

June had some mixed feelings, but from the bad came some good.  Elizabeth had a birthday bowling party which was pretty darn fun and a few days later I got my first and only spinning lesson (spinning as in spinning yarn).  I was in a “mood” when I was with the girls, and 2 days later my mood worsened when my great aunt passed.  The good of her passing was that she did not suffer and I’m sure she’s happy to be reunited with her husband.  I also got to go see my family back east and though it was rough circumstances, it was still very good to see them.  Playing cards with my aunt, uncle and cousin still sticks out in my mind as one of the more fond memories of the week.  Neocon was also this month and despite ending a friendship after having the liquid courage of free martini’s, the martini’s were still a plus for the month!

In July we had our second BBQ at Beth’s for the 4th and then Chicago Summer Dance started.  Adrienne and I spent quite a few weekends down in Grant Park learning how to do various dances.  One of the better nights of dancing also involved us catching the fireworks from Venetian Night and ending up at the Intercontinental Hotel where we had the best Creme Brulee ever.   Jody and I took a Monday off from our respective jobs and went to Hurricane Harbor at Six Flags.  I still give her a little grief for not braving any of the slides with me, but we still had a great day on the Lazy River and the wave pool. 

August started with Lollapalooza.  I still say I’m unsure if I’ll go again next year, but I’m sure come April ’09 I’ll be buying a ticket for it anyhow.  Just before Lolla, I met Matt, which brought along some interesting dates/hanging out times throughout the month.  Even though he’s lived in/around the city all his life, we’ve still managed to go to places that are new to both of us.  We attempted to watch Blues Brothers during the movies in Grant Park, but we got rained out!  Boo!  I also fufilled a 4-year wish to be in a sailboat on Lake Michigan during August!  Next year I want to see if I can get in with a crew and learn how to SAIL the boat – riding is one thing, but the whole process of throwing the sale up and steering just looks like so much fun!

And this month.. Well, I went back to Florida and instead of running around to see EVERYONE I hadn’t seen in 4 years I instead planned on seeing only Ginny and Josh.  I was lucky to see Kristin too, and to go to Cassadaga to get a reading.  I went to the beach again and helped Josh shop for some stuff for his new place.  I treasure tete-a-tete time with Josh – it should happen more often.  I gave blood for the first time in my life last week (and my arm is still sore from it).  Over this past weekend Matt and I shared a 100$ wine flight that included wines from 1960-something and 1908!  This week we’re going to go see Batman on the Imax screen and Wednesday we’re having our first (and perhaps only) flying trapeze lesson.   I’ll be going back on the Points system for real (thanks to Jody joining it too – personal support rocks!) and I think on Friday I’m going to go to a Dar Williams concert on my own. 

And then it’ll be the weekend and Monday it will be fall.  And I’ll be ok with it because, well, that was one hell of a summer… but next year’s will be even better, right?

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