Archive for nostalgia
January 16, 2009 at 9:31 pm
· Filed under anxiety, dating, love, meditation, nostalgia, questions
My friend Jackie, whom I met at the So You Think You Can Dance tour, knows exactly what to say and/or what to point me towards pretty much every time I speak to her. On New Year’s Day I was texting with her and telling her about my crying session at midnight when she asked me flat out why I felt like I needed a man in my life. I thought about it for a moment, typed several things out and they all sounded trite. She then sent me an article she got in her Daily OM about singlehood versus partnership. The timing was impeccable; the article exactly what I needed.
I’ve been subscribing to the emails ever since.
The latest email from the OM talks about clearing space in your life… not hanging on to inanimate objects because you think you might like to see them again someday. Again, right on the money.
See, I have this paper journal from the ‘days of the ex’. I used it when I didn’t feel comfortable blogging online, even if I kept it private or friends-only. I used to keep it out, I think now in the vain hope he’d snoop and read it and see how much some of the things he did really hurt my feelings – This book housed most of the things I should have opened my mouth about in the 5 years we were dating.
And I still have it. And yes, I’ve flipped through it from time to time and it still hurts to read every word on those pages. Is it worth keeping? Do I need to hang on to this book that houses nothing but negativity? Is simply having it under my roof giving me bad juju? I’ve pictured myself going to the concrete steps of the harbor with a lighter and just allowing it to burn onto itself (with hopes nothing else catches fire around and I get arrested for arson or something ridiculous like that), but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it.
I’ve contemplated mailing it to him- as a these are the things I never said gesture, but I certainly know better than that. And I know for a fact the exercise would be lost on him and I’d end up hurt.
In resolving to once and for all put him behind me (and, let’s face it… a big part of why he’s still even in the picture is there hasn’t been another “boyfriend” since he and I broke up… I’d almost welcome a brief one just so I can stop calling him “the ex”) should I let the most painful of my memories go up in smoke? It’s not like if those words disappear from physical form they’ll also disappear from my brain…
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October 8, 2008 at 7:59 am
· Filed under music, nostalgia
and i wonder
if you miss your old friends
once you’ve proven what you’re worth
yeah i wonder
when you’re a big star
will you miss the earth
and i know you would always want more
i know you would never be done
‘cuz everyone is a fucking napoleon
———————————
I didn’t recognize this song when Ani first started playing it the other night. And as she got to the lyrics and i know you would always want more I leaned over to Beth and said, “Do you realize she’s about 5-6 songs in and I haven’t heard a single bad word out of her mouth?” Beth said, “True… guess we’re about to find out -” and right then Ani sang fucking napoleon..
We waited outside the theater to see if we could get her autograph or a photo or something, because that’s really my thing lately – getting autographs of famous people (I need to take a count how many I got this year) – but her tour manager came out and said the baby had just woken up and Ani normally doesn’t do autographs anyhow and at best we’d get a photo of her climbing into the tour bus if we hung around until about 1am.
Mark introduced me to Ani. I’ve mentioned him a time or two here, but a minor recap goes like this: I had 2 friends in Seattle. One was Molly who I met while working at a sign-shop (and have recently found again on the internet! Yay! More about her in another post…), and the other was Mark who I met while waiting 3 hours to get tickets to a Tori Amos concert. Mark was going to Western Washington University up in Bellingham and, strangely enough, he was also friends with this other guy I had found on ICQ when looking for potential friends in Washington State. The odd thing was, this guy on ICQ lived in Spokane and ended up actually being a former roommate of Mark at WWU – Anyhow, he was going for a visit to Bellingham and even though I had only talked to Mark briefly in the Tori line, I made the 3 hour drive and crashed at their dorms. (What can I say… I was 20 and fearless.)
Mark and I dated for a few months… when he wasn’t at WWU he lived on Bainbridge Island, which made it much easier to visit him. I did make a few trips up to Bellingham though, and since it was within an hour or two, one weekend we decided to head up to Vancouver, Canada. I’m pretty sure it was the Vancouver trip when Mark introduced me to Ani via Living in Clip – a 2 disc set of live songs. Later that summer Ani played at an outdoor festival and I found myself in a field with a bunch of very butch lesbians who would scream louder every time Ani said a bad word, and they were especially loud when she said the c-word.
Anyhow, I’ve fallen out of touch with Ani’s music over the years, and I don’t talk to Mark at all anymore, but the concert was a nice dose of Ani and a simple sprinkle of nostalgia.
For those keeping track of my schedule, next on the agenda is the So You Think You Can Dance tour next Friday… I WILL be hanging out at the stage door for that one! (Which reminds me, I need to figure out where that will be at this venue because it’s HUGE.)
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September 15, 2008 at 12:07 pm
· Filed under Alzheimer's, Chicago, Josh, anxiety, dating, daydreaming, family, job stuff, knitting, life, love, motivation, nostalgia, pisces, self esteem, travel, weight
I looked at the calendar today and noticed there is exactly one week left of summer. I noticed some of the trees were starting to change colors last week, and the weather is certainly cooler – I just, for some reason, am not ready for the official declaration of it being autumn and no longer being summer – or maybe I am.
I think much of it has to do with this spring/summer being one of the best since I moved to the city – remember last year when I was almost wishing not to have a job so I could take advantage of all Chicago had to offer int he summer and then I did lose my job and it sucked? Well, this year has proved that I can in fact have my cake (job) and eat all the good Chicago-ness too! Let’s take a look at what good times were had, shall we?
In April I got to go to Florida for the first time in 4 years. I spent time with Ginny, went downtown. I spent time with Josh, went to the beach. I drove down A1A through Cape Canaveral and saw the house my mom and I rented once upon a time on the beach.
In May I met Jen Lancaster at a book signing (ok, “met” is a strong word… I got my picture taken with her (said photo will be used as a good ‘before’ photo when I lose a bunch of weight)). Andi graduated and had a birthday which meant dinner with her family and drinks with the gals from knitting group. We also met Jemaine and Bret after the Flight of the Conchords show (2 more pics also for the before book) and I won tickets to see KT Tunstall – again. Beth had a birthday at the end of the month and she and I had AWESOME seats to Avenue Q! We chugged champagne before walking in the theater to see naked puppets. Our knitting group also had the first of the BBQ’s at Beth’s place on Memorial Day.
June had some mixed feelings, but from the bad came some good. Elizabeth had a birthday bowling party which was pretty darn fun and a few days later I got my first and only spinning lesson (spinning as in spinning yarn). I was in a “mood” when I was with the girls, and 2 days later my mood worsened when my great aunt passed. The good of her passing was that she did not suffer and I’m sure she’s happy to be reunited with her husband. I also got to go see my family back east and though it was rough circumstances, it was still very good to see them. Playing cards with my aunt, uncle and cousin still sticks out in my mind as one of the more fond memories of the week. Neocon was also this month and despite ending a friendship after having the liquid courage of free martini’s, the martini’s were still a plus for the month!
In July we had our second BBQ at Beth’s for the 4th and then Chicago Summer Dance started. Adrienne and I spent quite a few weekends down in Grant Park learning how to do various dances. One of the better nights of dancing also involved us catching the fireworks from Venetian Night and ending up at the Intercontinental Hotel where we had the best Creme Brulee ever. Jody and I took a Monday off from our respective jobs and went to Hurricane Harbor at Six Flags. I still give her a little grief for not braving any of the slides with me, but we still had a great day on the Lazy River and the wave pool.
August started with Lollapalooza. I still say I’m unsure if I’ll go again next year, but I’m sure come April ‘09 I’ll be buying a ticket for it anyhow. Just before Lolla, I met Matt, which brought along some interesting dates/hanging out times throughout the month. Even though he’s lived in/around the city all his life, we’ve still managed to go to places that are new to both of us. We attempted to watch Blues Brothers during the movies in Grant Park, but we got rained out! Boo! I also fufilled a 4-year wish to be in a sailboat on Lake Michigan during August! Next year I want to see if I can get in with a crew and learn how to SAIL the boat – riding is one thing, but the whole process of throwing the sale up and steering just looks like so much fun!
And this month.. Well, I went back to Florida and instead of running around to see EVERYONE I hadn’t seen in 4 years I instead planned on seeing only Ginny and Josh. I was lucky to see Kristin too, and to go to Cassadaga to get a reading. I went to the beach again and helped Josh shop for some stuff for his new place. I treasure tete-a-tete time with Josh – it should happen more often. I gave blood for the first time in my life last week (and my arm is still sore from it). Over this past weekend Matt and I shared a 100$ wine flight that included wines from 1960-something and 1908! This week we’re going to go see Batman on the Imax screen and Wednesday we’re having our first (and perhaps only) flying trapeze lesson. I’ll be going back on the Points system for real (thanks to Jody joining it too – personal support rocks!) and I think on Friday I’m going to go to a Dar Williams concert on my own.
And then it’ll be the weekend and Monday it will be fall. And I’ll be ok with it because, well, that was one hell of a summer… but next year’s will be even better, right?
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August 15, 2008 at 9:16 am
· Filed under anxiety, dating, daydreaming, family, life, love, motivation, nostalgia, rants, self esteem, vague
I reference my life to lines from Friends all the time. I think it’s part of that whole I am determined to live my life as if it were a romantic comedy thing. Today is no different.
Today I am Chandler Bing. I am the person who can find the least little fault with someone and let it nag me enough to the point where I can’t be around that person anymore. I will not be the old man with a snake, as he was, but instead I fear I will become the old woman with all the cats – and in many ways, I already am.
I told someone this morning that if I reach 40 and I haven’t married then fuck-all: I’m going to register for things I need at the stores I love and I’m going to invite everyone to a large party to celebrate my commitment to myself. This, of course, won’t surprise those people who already disagree with my lifestyle and think I’m already self-indulgent, but fuck them too. Just because I didn’t marry young, just because I can down a bottle of wine on a Friday night if I want to, just because I don’t have children my life is not worthless.
I’ve also said to someone today that I am in a mood… I’m pretty sure I know now where this mood is coming from. It’s that same old nagging thing where I didn’t shut someone up before they told me too much information and I’m aware again that the mere fact that I forgot to take a breath when I was born has altered lives of those around me.
I have happy things going on in my life right now, but for some reason putting the negative out there in black and white (or whatever color scheme this blog is today) is making me feel better, a million times over.
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July 30, 2008 at 9:54 am
· Filed under dating, daydreaming, interesting, life, love, motivation, nostalgia, pisces, self esteem, sex
Without even really noticing, I have stumbled myself into another long-term relationship – with myself.
You see, this week marks 2 years since I moved into my own place. While it’s questionable when the exact date of the breakup was, I’m going to just call it the day I moved out because really, that’s when the party ended for him, I just wasn’t aware of it (or maybe I was blind to it was a better term.)
So, in 2 years I have gone on countless dates, had some sex here and there, but really, aside from the very first guy I met right after the breakup, who I saw for maybe a month and a half… no one has stood out. No one has made my heart go all a-flutter. No date has gone beyond the, “I had a great time, but…” stage.
If you had told me in 2006 I’d be writing a post like this I would have called your bluff. No way. I’m a serial long-term dater – I’ll SURELY fall into a long term relationship again. And I guess, in some ways I have, it’s just very one-sided at the moment.
But I’m way more confident now with what I will stand for, what I won’t stand for, and what, in a perfect world, the man of my dreams will be like. Perhaps this is the perfect relationship for me, at the moment. Maybe in another 2 years I’ll be able to copy and paste this same post – but secretly? I hope that isn’t the case.
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July 25, 2008 at 9:34 am
· Filed under anxiety, daydreaming, life, love, meditation, motivation, nostalgia, questions, travel, vague, worry
I pose a question to the general public out there – is there a difference between “I wish I had…” and “I regret…”?
This being a crazy emotional month, I keep saying things like “I wish I had done X differently…” and to me it sounds a little too regretful. I mean, had I handled certain situations differently my past would not have shaped my current in the way it has. Who’s to say life would have been better if I had done some of the things I’m pondering these days?
The ultimate goal is to never regret… but yet you learn lessons by doing the things you do… so what is the difference and how do you stop dwelling on the steps you took before?
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July 21, 2008 at 10:21 am
· Filed under dating, daydreaming, knitting, life, love, nostalgia, sex, vague, worry
I have this knitting project I’ve been working on for well over a year now… I’ve done 2 somewhat completed versions of it and hated both of them. Last week I got this book with patterns that only require one skein of yarn and one jumped out at me- it was a simple pattern with one cable to give it some interest. I immediately ordered the yarn online, got it on Wednesday, cast on that evening and I’m 50% of the way through with said project and I LOVE it.
This is metaphor for sometimes it takes multiple tries to get something right, but when the planets are all aligned and whatnot – things can be absoloutely amazing. I cannot wait to finish this project and it’s all because I found the right parts and pieces to make it fabulous.
If only I could manage to do this with my love life. My really awesome date a few weeks back could have turned into something amazing if I hadn’t let my body take over. Another nice date last weekend seems to also be fizzling due to schedules just not matching up at the right times.
It doesn’t help that the guy who I compare most potential men in my life to is going through a rough time right now and my heart is feeling his pain in ways I cannot describe.
I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this… my brain is muddled and while I understand and feel that the break-up they are going through is smart, I feel my friend’s pain. I guess I’m hoping for his planets to get aligned…
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June 20, 2008 at 8:44 pm
· Filed under Alzheimer's, anxiety, family, life, love, motivation, nostalgia, travel
What a roller-coaster of a week. Most if it I can’t even talk about here because I would say the words, “bat-shit crazy”, in regards to how I was feeling, far too much.
Buried my Great Aunt. I held back sobbing tears, but did cry when I first saw her at the wake, and then when I was handed a crucifix and a rose to place atop her coffin at the services. I also cried when the funeral procession took a left turn down the street I grew up on, which was also the same street she lived on for so many years.
Spent time with the other half of my family. Sitting at a table playing cards with my aunt and uncle and youngest cousin was both fun and funny. It made me realize that the idea of moving back east someday? Not such a bad plan.
I’m emotionally drained, but I’m making a vow to myself to get out this weekend and to do a couple specific things in my apartment. If there’s one thing this week taught me it’s that I need to live. And I need to make sure that this life is the best life it could possibly be.
I leave you with a photo of a photo of my Great Aunt and I at her 90th Birthday party. She was well, and I had one chin.
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June 16, 2008 at 8:37 am
· Filed under Alzheimer's, aches & pains, anxiety, family, life, love, nostalgia, travel
I’m on a plane this afternoon to Massachusetts. My Great Aunt passed away on Saturday morning.
I spent a good portion of the weekend on the phone crying to my mom for various reasons… losing my Aunt, going through this “alone” (or without a boyfriend)… Not having the friends I thought I could lean on when this happened available…
I’m mourning the loss of my Great Aunt, but there’s more to my sadness than that. I’ve got to pin-point what it is because I do not want to feel like this anymore.
My “job” at the funeral will be to put the crucifix on the coffin in the church – I fear I’m going to drop it, or trip over my own feet when I walk up there. My second cousin also asked if I wanted to say a few words at the service itself, but I’m not sure how to explain what my Great Aunt gave to me other than to say that I hope to lead half the life she did. I hope some of her independence and fearless nature is tucked away inside of me and ready to come out.
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June 10, 2008 at 2:27 pm
· Filed under Chicago, anxiety, life, love, motivation, nostalgia, self esteem, sex, vague
What happens at Neocon, stays at Neocon.
Maybe not so. After attending the show, and then an afterparty at a martini bar where the bartender was handing me another before I had taken the last sip of the one in my hand, I decided it was necessary to get some things off my chest.
So, I called someone, walked to the bar they were at, and proceeded to give them the biggest piece of my mind I ever have given (we were outside… it’s not like I went to make a scene inside of the bar). I teared up a little, I’ll admit raising my voice a bit, but the most important bit is I got out everything I’ve been wanting to say to this person for a long time now and simply walked away. I didn’t look back, I didn’t run – I simply patted the person on the shoulder and said, “Have a greatNeocon” and walked in the opposite direction.
In the post-martini haze this morning I wondered if I had said to much, but the more I think about it, the more I know I did the right thing. I had to say goodbye to this person but not before they knew WHY I was saying goodbye.
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear…
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