Not to toot my own horn, but I have a pretty fabulous life.
There are moments though, like one I had tonight, that come out of nowhere, smack me across the face and make me want to curl up and cry.
I’m getting much better at letting that moment sink in for just that – a moment – and moving on. Dwelling on what I do not have isn’t good for my soul.
So, I’ll focus on staying fabulous and knowing that this life I’m living… it’s all me.
OK.. brain dump about to commence:
I’ve had 2 sessions with PJ. Last week was my first and I felt good afterwards and confident I’d be able to complete my ‘homework’, which was to make sure I got to the gym twice during the week to do cardio.
I failed my homework by not going at all.
I don’t know if it was my failed homework, or if she was just trying to push more or what, but last night. Holy Jesus did she kick my ass. The first thing she did was get a stair-stepper, put it to it’s highest setting and then put 2 30lb weights on it. I laughed a little as she walked over with the weights because I half-expected she was going to make me do something with them, but no. She put the stair-stepper with the weights atop it parallel to a column. She then got one of those little stretchy exercise bands, put it around the column and said, “Ok, use these for stability and do your squats – your butt should barely touch the weights.” I had to do 15 of these.
Then there were other exercises, and 15 more squats.
More exercises, and another 15 more squats.
Two different exercises and just when I thought I was done she had me do 15 more squats.
In case you lost count? 60 squats. “See, if I had told you at the start of the hour you’d be doing 60 squats you would have run away.” She’s totally right.
Anyhow, I’m super amped up today and hope it lasts throughout the day so that I go home, toss on my gym clothes, and go do my cardio tonight. My legs don’t hurt so much today, but I know they will tomorrow – and I REALLY won’t want to go tomorrow.
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I had to bail on Morrie this Monday because I had had a headache that had gone on for over a week and decided to go to the doctor to make sure something serious wasn’t going on. The doctor attributed it to girly matters and when I asked why I’d suddenly get splitting headaches when that was never a side-effect before she said, “welcome to your thirties.” Ugh.
Anyhow, it was good that I went because I found out a test I had earlier this year was abnormal and I was supposed to go in for a follow-up in 6 months. Turns out that 6 months is THIS month, so I’ve got another dr’s appointment next Monday. Here’s hoping all goes well with that and the abnormal test result was a fluke.
But, going back to Morrie, I’m going to go visit him tomorrow night after work. He’s a pleasure to talk to and have I mentioned he’s an amazing painter?
This weekend is also the Chicken Luncheon for the hospital group I’m volunteering for (how I met Morrie). Andi is going to come along with me and we’re going to talk with seniors, wrap gifts for the holidays, and…I’m not sure what else but it should be fun!
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I took a tele-class earlier this week about finding my inner “Greatness”. I was a little indifferent about the class at first, but I’m rethinking some of the lessons we did during the class and finding out different things about myself that I wasn’t hyper-aware of. The best thing I got from it was an assignment (I seem to get alot of those lately) to ask people who are near and dear to me to name a couple of things that make me “great” in their eyes. Sure, it sounds like fishing for compliments, and maybe it is a little bit, but honestly? It was EXACTLY what I needed. Amazingly enough, the best response from the emails I sent out came from my own mother. I know deep down she loves me, but we’re not a verbal family when it comes to positive topics. It’s nice to know that she doesn’t think some of the choices I’ve made are awful, which is what I thought she saw.
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Operation Grow the Heck Up is about to commence. This is the title of my budgeting plan and my attempt to get my credit back on track. Rent is officially caught up (and even paid early for November), and I will be starting on the other cards officially at the start of the new year – but doing some small steps now in prep for it, such as making sure my utilities are caught up and I have groceries in the house and in general just having a better understanding of where my money is going. I opened a second bank account and will set aside a set amount per paycheck as my “play” money. I’ll use this for when I want yarn, or a concert ticket, or to go have drinks/dinner with friends. The main account will simply be used to pay off bills and nothing more. I’m literally going to freeze the checkcard (as in, put it in the freezer in a block of ice) and write checks for groceries and bills.
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Lastly, I got a thank you card from the ex’s dad last night. I had sent a sympathy card when I found out ex’s Grandma had passed away. She had made the trek out to Chicago a couple years ago for my graduation and she always seemed pleased to see me when we’d visit CT. His card to me was short and sweet, but very loving. I miss that family so very much… I wish breaking up with one person didn’t mean you lost other people in the fray as well, but I can’t dwell on it too much. I know how they feel about me, and they know how I feel about them. The fact that my ex is out of the picture doesn’t change that.
I bought a new sweater at Target yesterday, which prompted me to buy new makeup (green eyeshadow because, why not?) and to knit a skinny scarf in this great Ultra Alpaca yarn I had in my stash. The scarf was really simple and I’m debating even bothering to put it up on Ravelry, but I probably will…
I’m also wearing my Angela necklace (Think Carrie Bradshaw, but… Angela) and my favorite ring ever from Torrid, my hair looks great and compliments are running the gamut today!
I can deduce a couple things from this:
1, I really should NOT go out of the house without my face on like, ever.
2, I am fucking fabulous.
I needed this today like you wouldn’t believe.
In other news, I booked my ticket for non-Christmas in Mass. Now I need to find a photographer and make sure everyone can actually show UP to said photography session. Who would have thought it would be so difficult to get 6 people together for a photograph for their ailing Grandmother??
Wondering your own self-worth is never really a good thing and this week I’ve been doing a whole hell of a lot of it.
Therefore, in an effort to help boost my own self-confidence, I’m going to attempt to list 10 good things about myself. If you know me at all, I encourage you to please help me add to this list – yes, I’m fishing, but if I don’t start thinking more positively about myself, then, well… it ain’t going to be pretty.
This list is in no particular order:
1. I have a pretty sweet-ass job. The people I work with are nice, I’ve been allowed to travel (back to a place where I know people, no less), and I’m, for the most part, left to do what I think I do best – design. I’m nearing in on the 1-year mark here and I hope to make it to many more.
2. I have this amazing family… While things can be rocky on one side of the continent, I know I can always call my mother and tell her anything. She may not say anything I want to hear back, but in the end, I know she means well. On the other side I’ve got aunts, uncles, cousins… all these people care about me and they say I love you when they call or write and they live like the picturesque version of family I imagine in my head.
3. My friends are incredible. Between the gals at knitting and the people I’ve known all my life, I know who to call if I need a laugh or if I need to simply cry.
4. I have a roof over my head thanks to a very understanding landlord. While it’s a small little place, it’s spitting distance to the lake and very convenient for public transit.
5. I live in CHICAGO. Where there is theater and concerts and amazing restaurants… where I don’t need a car!
6. I’m willing to try most things at least once. This summer was a true testament of that – I danced, I sailed, I flew from a trapeze.
7. I’m going to be a volunteer very soon. I got my TB test this morning, and go back on Friday to have it looked at. By the end of this month I will have my very own ‘Morrie’ (which is what I’m going to call him from here on out because 1. I’m told I’ll be visiting a man who is an artist and 2. Hello? Tuesdays with Morrie? It’s perfect!)
8. People tell me I’m beautiful. Though, to be honest, I sometimes doubt the validity of this – when I polled men-friends of mine and asked them what my best attributes were, 3 of them immediately responded that I had a nice rack.
9. I’m a college graduate. Which, for a multiple-time high-school drop-out, that’s a pretty big deal. I have friends who have their high school diploma who never bothered with college.
10. Even when I’m feeling lonely, I’m never really alone – and if I am, it’s of my own doing.
…Ok, this list helps, but it still feels a little like bullshit that I have to tell myself these things in order to feel better about myself. It also still makes me wonder if I’m so fan-fucking-tastic, why am I alone in the romantic sense? Again, pulling notes from Josh’s book of whatnot, he’s pointed out to me that there have been men that were interested but I’ve pushed away because of one reason or another. I need to be ok with not-clicking with people and I need to be ok knowing that I may never have a great love of my life.
I need to be ok with knowing that “me” is all I’ve got.
So Josh just called to tell me that what I told him last night about my latest idea, or endeavor, or whatever you want to call it… he wanted to say he was proud of me and thought that it was a good thing for me to do. “Like something out of a feel-good movie,” he said. I am tickled that he called to tell me so, but as of yet the only thing I did was sign up on a website, send a couple emails to a director, and set up an appointment.
The big thing is this: I signed up yesterday with http://www.1-800-volunteer.org/. I looked through the volunteer opportunities that were close to home and found one that caught my eye:
The role the friendly visitors play in our long-term care program is incalculable. Friendly Visitors first and foremost provide companionship to home-bound elderly persons who are isolated and in need of emotional support and friendship. Friendly Visitors also assist with such things as running errands, shopping, and telephone reassurance calls. We match volunteers with elderly who live in the same neighborhood.
Like I said above – I am not, as of yet, assigned to anyone, but I will be meeting with the coordinator of the program next week to hopefully get the ball rolling.
So, why am I doing this? Well, I’ve come up with a few answers…
1. I am really striving to better myself, and what better way to start than to help someone else?
2. I’m realizing I need a schedule in order to not be so lazy. Left to my own devices, if I have nothing better to do I will sit in one of my comfy chairs and watch hours and hours of tv – sometimes while knitting, oftentimes just sitting there and zoning out while my dishes fester in the kitchen sink and the catbox goes unnoticed.
3. Catholic guilt. I can’t change the fact that I wasn’t there for my Great Aunt when she needed me, but I can hopefully feel less guilty about it by being there for someone else.
4. Volunteering just feels good. I’ve done it before, I’ve been encouraged to do it again – but of course if someone suggests it then I’m not nearly as interested as when I come up with the idea again, several months later.
Anyhow… this is the latest undertaking in my life. I’ll know more about it later but for now – I’m really excited 
I think the praise from Josh, while nice, is still premature. It’s nice to know that he’s behind my decision though.
I looked at the calendar today and noticed there is exactly one week left of summer. I noticed some of the trees were starting to change colors last week, and the weather is certainly cooler – I just, for some reason, am not ready for the official declaration of it being autumn and no longer being summer – or maybe I am.
I think much of it has to do with this spring/summer being one of the best since I moved to the city – remember last year when I was almost wishing not to have a job so I could take advantage of all Chicago had to offer int he summer and then I did lose my job and it sucked? Well, this year has proved that I can in fact have my cake (job) and eat all the good Chicago-ness too! Let’s take a look at what good times were had, shall we?
In April I got to go to Florida for the first time in 4 years. I spent time with Ginny, went downtown. I spent time with Josh, went to the beach. I drove down A1A through Cape Canaveral and saw the house my mom and I rented once upon a time on the beach.
In May I met Jen Lancaster at a book signing (ok, “met” is a strong word… I got my picture taken with her (said photo will be used as a good ‘before’ photo when I lose a bunch of weight)). Andi graduated and had a birthday which meant dinner with her family and drinks with the gals from knitting group. We also met Jemaine and Bret after the Flight of the Conchords show (2 more pics also for the before book) and I won tickets to see KT Tunstall – again. Beth had a birthday at the end of the month and she and I had AWESOME seats to Avenue Q! We chugged champagne before walking in the theater to see naked puppets. Our knitting group also had the first of the BBQ’s at Beth’s place on Memorial Day.
June had some mixed feelings, but from the bad came some good. Elizabeth had a birthday bowling party which was pretty darn fun and a few days later I got my first and only spinning lesson (spinning as in spinning yarn). I was in a “mood” when I was with the girls, and 2 days later my mood worsened when my great aunt passed. The good of her passing was that she did not suffer and I’m sure she’s happy to be reunited with her husband. I also got to go see my family back east and though it was rough circumstances, it was still very good to see them. Playing cards with my aunt, uncle and cousin still sticks out in my mind as one of the more fond memories of the week. Neocon was also this month and despite ending a friendship after having the liquid courage of free martini’s, the martini’s were still a plus for the month!
In July we had our second BBQ at Beth’s for the 4th and then Chicago Summer Dance started. Adrienne and I spent quite a few weekends down in Grant Park learning how to do various dances. One of the better nights of dancing also involved us catching the fireworks from Venetian Night and ending up at the Intercontinental Hotel where we had the best Creme Brulee ever. Jody and I took a Monday off from our respective jobs and went to Hurricane Harbor at Six Flags. I still give her a little grief for not braving any of the slides with me, but we still had a great day on the Lazy River and the wave pool.
August started with Lollapalooza. I still say I’m unsure if I’ll go again next year, but I’m sure come April ’09 I’ll be buying a ticket for it anyhow. Just before Lolla, I met Matt, which brought along some interesting dates/hanging out times throughout the month. Even though he’s lived in/around the city all his life, we’ve still managed to go to places that are new to both of us. We attempted to watch Blues Brothers during the movies in Grant Park, but we got rained out! Boo! I also fufilled a 4-year wish to be in a sailboat on Lake Michigan during August! Next year I want to see if I can get in with a crew and learn how to SAIL the boat – riding is one thing, but the whole process of throwing the sale up and steering just looks like so much fun!
And this month.. Well, I went back to Florida and instead of running around to see EVERYONE I hadn’t seen in 4 years I instead planned on seeing only Ginny and Josh. I was lucky to see Kristin too, and to go to Cassadaga to get a reading. I went to the beach again and helped Josh shop for some stuff for his new place. I treasure tete-a-tete time with Josh – it should happen more often. I gave blood for the first time in my life last week (and my arm is still sore from it). Over this past weekend Matt and I shared a 100$ wine flight that included wines from 1960-something and 1908! This week we’re going to go see Batman on the Imax screen and Wednesday we’re having our first (and perhaps only) flying trapeze lesson. I’ll be going back on the Points system for real (thanks to Jody joining it too – personal support rocks!) and I think on Friday I’m going to go to a Dar Williams concert on my own.
And then it’ll be the weekend and Monday it will be fall. And I’ll be ok with it because, well, that was one hell of a summer… but next year’s will be even better, right?
I reference my life to lines from Friends all the time. I think it’s part of that whole I am determined to live my life as if it were a romantic comedy thing. Today is no different.
Today I am Chandler Bing. I am the person who can find the least little fault with someone and let it nag me enough to the point where I can’t be around that person anymore. I will not be the old man with a snake, as he was, but instead I fear I will become the old woman with all the cats – and in many ways, I already am.
I told someone this morning that if I reach 40 and I haven’t married then fuck-all: I’m going to register for things I need at the stores I love and I’m going to invite everyone to a large party to celebrate my commitment to myself. This, of course, won’t surprise those people who already disagree with my lifestyle and think I’m already self-indulgent, but fuck them too. Just because I didn’t marry young, just because I can down a bottle of wine on a Friday night if I want to, just because I don’t have children my life is not worthless.
I’ve also said to someone today that I am in a mood… I’m pretty sure I know now where this mood is coming from. It’s that same old nagging thing where I didn’t shut someone up before they told me too much information and I’m aware again that the mere fact that I forgot to take a breath when I was born has altered lives of those around me.
I have happy things going on in my life right now, but for some reason putting the negative out there in black and white (or whatever color scheme this blog is today) is making me feel better, a million times over.
Without even really noticing, I have stumbled myself into another long-term relationship – with myself.
You see, this week marks 2 years since I moved into my own place. While it’s questionable when the exact date of the breakup was, I’m going to just call it the day I moved out because really, that’s when the party ended for him, I just wasn’t aware of it (or maybe I was blind to it was a better term.)
So, in 2 years I have gone on countless dates, had some sex here and there, but really, aside from the very first guy I met right after the breakup, who I saw for maybe a month and a half… no one has stood out. No one has made my heart go all a-flutter. No date has gone beyond the, “I had a great time, but…” stage.
If you had told me in 2006 I’d be writing a post like this I would have called your bluff. No way. I’m a serial long-term dater – I’ll SURELY fall into a long term relationship again. And I guess, in some ways I have, it’s just very one-sided at the moment.
But I’m way more confident now with what I will stand for, what I won’t stand for, and what, in a perfect world, the man of my dreams will be like. Perhaps this is the perfect relationship for me, at the moment. Maybe in another 2 years I’ll be able to copy and paste this same post – but secretly? I hope that isn’t the case.
We’re doing the Biggest Loser here at work again… the last time around I gave up around week 5 because people started trumping me and I wasn’t really doing anything to try to lose any weight.
This time around it’s the 3rd week in and I’ve joined Weight Watchers’ On-line. Today was weigh-in day and since the whole thing started I’m down 8 pounds!
Huzzah!
I also have a funny dating, or in this case, not dating story. So, I was supposed to have brunch with this guy over the coming weekend. We chatted on the phone last evening and conversation was flowing quite nicely, which I was pleasantly surprised by because his emails were nice, but… a little off.
Anyhoo, he asked me how long I’ve been doing the online dating thing and I explained my on and off again feelings about it. “I’d rather meet someone after exchanging 1-2 emails so that we have things to talk about in person… also I feel that sometimes you can have the best conversations via email and on the phone but you can meet in person and there is ZILCH going on in the chemistry lab.” He agreed with me and I continued on, “At the same time, you can go on a couple great dates and then find out the guy smokes weed which is a total deal-breaker for me.” He was quiet for a moment and then said, “Hmm… perhaps we shouldn’t meet for brunch after all.”
Christ.
So I asked him if he smokes marijuana and he said, “occasionally.” I said, “Can you define ‘occasionally’ for me?” He says, “Oh, I don’t know… 3-4 times per week?”
I don’t know about y’all out there, but 3-4 times per week of anything is not “occasionally” to me. That’s “regularly” or “often”. To me, an “occasional” user is someone who is at a party and takes a drag off something that’s being passed around. If he’s smoking 3-4 times per week that means he has it in his house regularly and he’s buying it. ”Occasionally” my ass.
So, needless to say, that date will not be happening. I have a sentence in my profile that says something along the lines of “…you share my views on being pro-choice, anti-drug, and think that it’s stupid that more states don’t allow gay marriage.” I’ve since edited it to clarify the anti-drug bit by saying ”if it’s illegal.. it’s a drug”.
The sick thing of this all is that I APOLOGIZED to him about not being able to have brunch with him. WTF?? I should NOT be apologizing for having a stance on something, and in the future, I won’t.
But seriously, is every 30-something guy in the city a pot-head? Why have most of the guys I’ve run into online into the ONE thing I consider a deal-breaker??
Oh, but one more funny thing… I was telling RSG (Ride-Share-Guy) this story this morning and I said, “Does this make me have some conservative tendencies because I am so against marijuana? Am I less of a liberal because of this?” RSG’s response was classic, “I don’t think so… I’m pretty sure half the country must have been stoned to re-elect Bush and you know the liberals didn’t do that.”
What happens at Neocon, stays at Neocon.
Maybe not so. After attending the show, and then an afterparty at a martini bar where the bartender was handing me another before I had taken the last sip of the one in my hand, I decided it was necessary to get some things off my chest.
So, I called someone, walked to the bar they were at, and proceeded to give them the biggest piece of my mind I ever have given (we were outside… it’s not like I went to make a scene inside of the bar). I teared up a little, I’ll admit raising my voice a bit, but the most important bit is I got out everything I’ve been wanting to say to this person for a long time now and simply walked away. I didn’t look back, I didn’t run – I simply patted the person on the shoulder and said, “Have a greatNeocon” and walked in the opposite direction.
In the post-martini haze this morning I wondered if I had said to much, but the more I think about it, the more I know I did the right thing. I had to say goodbye to this person but not before they knew WHY I was saying goodbye.
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear…
