The first time, we were on our way to Seattle and had stopped in Tuscon for 4 days to visit my travel companions’ friends.  We left Tuscon later in the day and got up to Flagstaff around 9pm on New Year’s  Eve and we could have stayed overnight and gone the next day, or we could keep driving and spend the night somewhere in Utah.  Since I was the only one who hadn’t seen it, the choice was given to me and honestly?  I was just ready to get to my new home.

The second time, we  (a different “we”) were heading to Florida from Seattle.  We had already been to Victoria, B.C., Portland, San Francisco, and Las Vegas.  We made it to Flagstaff and planned to spend the night and go the next day.  When we woke up the next morning there was something strange outside:  six inches of snow covered anything that stood still.  Both of us had learned to drive in Florida and lacked the knowledge of how to handle a vehicle in the snow.  After talking to some of the locals about the roads out there, we decided the safest thing to do was to not risk the drive.  We headed straight to Phoenix instead and spent 5 days there with family (theirs, not mine).

When I got the official go-ahead for my Tempe work trip, I immediately google-mapped how long it would take to drive up there: 10 hours.  What?  It was only 5 hours to get to Vegas… I didn’t understand.  I decided to do more research on wikipedia and it turns out that 10 hour drive?  That was to the north rim – the south rim gets more visitors and it was only 4 hours (give or take).  That was do-able!

But then there were fees to get in, and fees for tours, and… wait… what’s this?  You can take a day tour from Phoenix?  Someone else to do all the driving AND you get to learn something?

This, my friends, is how you do the Grand Canyon for the first time.

I took a million photos, I walked a generous portion of the Trail of Time (from Yavapai point to El Tovar), and… geeze. There just are no decent words to say how incredible it was.  I started to feel bad that I didn’t get to experience this before, when I was with other travelers… but, to be honest, I think it was a good thing for me to have walked the bit of the South Rim by myself.  It was peaceful and serene. 

And I finally got to go.

It’s official – all the insurance referrals have come through and I’ve been approved for a breast reduction. 

I go under the knife May 22nd.

Last night, I had a dream.  I found myself in the middle of a desert called Cyber-land…

…oops, wrong dream.
Anyhow, I really did have a dream and in it I was swimming and shouting out all these things to my friends who were on the shore about what I hoped the man of my dreams to be like – older, kind, funny, trustworthy… I got to the end of wherever I was swimming, hopped out of the water and jumped back in. 

As I started swimming in the other direction I literally bumped into a man who was also swimming – his name was Nathaniel.  The only other thing I remember from the dream was that he was 41 and somehow, I knew, the second I saw him, he was the one.

…I’m posting this, just in case I happen to meet a guy who is either 41 or named Nathaniel any time in the near future.

So, it’s been a while since I’ve had any content to write in here – perhaps because my life has felt devoid of content and without making this a total “woe-is-me” blog, I’ve just decided to stay quiet.

But, here’s a couple of good things going on here:

• I still have a job.  I literally had to re-interview for it back in February.  It was down to me and a coworker who has been with the company for 3 years and somehow I managed to survive.  I’m not entirely sure how, but I’m not questioning it – I’m going to just keep doing the best I can and keep my head into a career I’m still pretty in love with.
• I’m on a decent path for the NCIDQ in October.  I was hoping to take the ASID Step Class in May, but there’s another one being offered in August and I think that will be the one I end up taking.   In the interim, I’ve signed up for 2 brush-up classes at my former college and should find out soon if I’ll actually be able to take them or not (they take the paying students first, of course).  I also purchased a study guide that has practice tests at the end of every chapter – I’ve copied all of them and try to do a couple of them per week, cold-turkey, without reading anything in the book – just to see how I do.   I’m running at about 50% correct, which means there is certainly room for improvement.
• My love-life is still non-existant, except that I have been on a few dates.  While neither guy (there were 2 for a little while) turned into anything romantic, it was still nice to get out of the house and have a little bit of positive male attention. 

I’m still really trying to work my way out of this funk that started around mid-December and the promise of Spring (aside from the snow yesterday) seems to be helping my mood.

There is so much more going on, but right now, this is the happiest little nugget I want to share with everyone:

Mailing off the supporting documents to take this test is the first step to justifying my years of school and work.

This year is going to be crazy with studying, but come October, after I pass all 3 sections on the first try (because I HAVE to), I can officially call myself an Interior Designer.

And THAT, my friends, will ROCK.

I recently added my thesis professor to my flickr contacts.  Going through his personal sketches and photos of student work and his own design projects has reminded me of that high that I got in design school.  The thrill of having a blank canvas, no budget, and sheer creativity on my side.

With everything potentially falling apart at work, I think I needed this boost of inspiration.   It makes me want to dig out my thesis and finish it (which, every 6 months or so I say I’m going to do it but come up with a million excuses why I can’t… no time, my computer isn’t strong enough to process the images, etc. etc).  It also makes me that much more confident in making sure I study my ass off for the NCIDQ so I can take it and pass it this year.  

IF by some stroke of bad luck I end up unemployed, it will seem very silly to spend 1500 on a test, but if I wait to take it, I know I’ll regret the decision.  I have to take this test as soon as the opportunity arises, and, as of next Monday, the biggest requirement – 3520 working hours – will have been met.   A couple forms later and I’ll have all I need to get going.

I CAN do this.  I WILL do this. 

I’m inspired.

I think this weekend I’ll take down my Christmas tree.  It’s been standing without ornaments for a month now.

It’s gotta go.

My friend Jackie, whom I met at the So You Think You Can Dance tour, knows exactly what to say and/or what to point me towards pretty much every time I speak to her.   On New Year’s Day I was texting with her and telling her about my crying session at midnight when she asked me flat out why I felt like I needed a man in my life.  I thought about it for a moment, typed several things out and they all sounded trite.  She then sent me an article she got in her Daily OM about singlehood versus partnership.  The timing was impeccable; the article exactly what I needed.

I’ve been subscribing to the emails ever since.

The latest email from the OM talks about clearing space in your life… not hanging on to inanimate objects because you think you might like to see them again someday.  Again, right on the money.

See, I have this paper journal from the ‘days of the ex’.  I used it when I didn’t feel comfortable blogging online, even if I kept it private or friends-only.  I used to keep it out, I think now in the vain hope he’d snoop and read it and see how much some of the things he did really hurt my feelings – This book housed most of the things I should have opened my mouth about in the 5 years we were dating.

And I still have it.  And yes, I’ve flipped through it from time to time and it still hurts to read every word on those pages.   Is it worth keeping?  Do I need to hang on to this book that houses nothing but negativity?  Is simply having it under my roof giving me bad juju?  I’ve pictured myself going to the concrete steps of the harbor with a lighter and just allowing it to burn onto itself (with hopes nothing else catches fire around and I get arrested for arson or something ridiculous like that), but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it.

I’ve contemplated mailing it to him- as a these are the things I never said gesture, but I certainly know better than that.  And I know for a fact the exercise would be lost on him and I’d end up hurt.

In resolving to once and for all put him behind me (and, let’s face it… a big part of why he’s still even in the picture is there hasn’t been another “boyfriend” since he and I broke up… I’d almost welcome a brief one just so I can stop calling him “the ex”) should I let the most painful of my memories go up in smoke?  It’s not like if those words disappear from physical form they’ll also disappear from my brain…

I’m transferring some items from my 2008 day planner into my 2009 day planner and just came across the address to the nursing home my great aunt was staying in.  A sinking feeling in my stomach just hit.

I know it was her time.  I know she wasn’t “her” anymore when she passed.  When I focused on the good things that happened in 2008, I think a great many of those things happened because I knew she was finally free.  Her spirit long left her body before she actually passed on.

And I need to remember the things I’ve learned from her… To dance no matter who is paying attention… To take risks even when people think you’re looney… To laugh as much as possible… To sing, even if it’s off key.

Life goes on… and when I do finally meet up with her again someday I want her to see that I’ve lived my life the best way I knew how.

I knew I had one of these “resolution” posts floating around… so I checked it to see how I did for 2008.  All in all, not too shabby.  I do remember making a list half-way through the year of things I wanted to do by the end of the year and one of those items was to finish knitting a pair of socks and that SO did not happen.  Oh well.  At least there’s this:

- End the year with less debt.   Well, I can’t say this happened… but I certainly have a better idea of what my debt is – that counts for something, doesn’t it?  I also managed to get my cell phone to stop ringing with debt collector calls by changing my phone number.  heh.

- End the year with less fat.  I haven’t seen PJ since I’ve been back from my trip…  I did weigh myself this morning and I weigh exactly the same as I did last year on the first… does it count that I haven’t GAINED fat?

- End the year with less angst.  Much less angst-y about certain family situations.  Though, I have flown off the handle about relatively calm emails… I guess it means at least I’m not willing to be a doormat anymore.

- End the year with a nest-egg.  I do have one of these, though it might disappear once I have other dental work done in a couple weeks.  UGH.

- End the year with the same job I had at the beginning of the year.  I’d like this to continue through 2009 as well…  I totally enjoy working here and want to stay on for a while longer!!

- End the year having seen my paternal family.  Been there, done that… twice!  It sucks that it was done once for going to a funeral on my maternal side of the family, but… it reminded me how nice and caring they all can be!

As for 2009… here we go:

1. I’ll take the NCIDQ and pass it, first try.

2. I’ll end the year with less debt – for real.

3. As mentioned above, I’d like to end 2009 still at the job I’ve started it with.  Retail = never again!

4. I’d like to go to Ireland for a week.

5. I’ll visit my mother.

6. I’ll get my weight back under ___ lbs.

7. I’ll knit a pair of socks.

8. I’ll NOT have “ex-sex”.

9. I’ll upgrade my apartment (as in, get out of the studio… still waiting on word for that 1 bedroom.)

and finally

10. I’ll continue to do things because I want to do them, and not care what other people think or how crazy they seem.