I have spent the remainder of my week and weekend attempting to make my Facebook as private as possible. I even went so far as unfriending my mother (she knows I did this) and anyone/thing else that might be attached to people who need not base their opinions of me as what is on the internet. Ironically, the only way to know if this worked would be to badmouth a slew of people, but funny enough, aside from this mini passive-agressive little rant here on my blog – I’m not going to.
I went out West last weekend to see my mom for the first time in well over 4 years. I went out there with zero expectations and I was in a far better head-space than I was when my trip was originally planned. I decided to go now because, well, I have nothing else really going on – in September I lost my job. 9 people were let go in what was hopefully, for the sake of an already overworked department, one of the last rounds of layoffs for a while.
I looked at the layoff as the punchline to an already shitty year. It’s was around the same time last year that things took a turn for the worst – depression, bad bad thoughts, even worse actions, and a rotating door of doctors and therapists and learning which friends are lean-on-able and which are not. Losing my job HAS to be the catalyst to something even more fantastic and wonderful looming over the horizon.
So anyway, back to Washington – it was a very quiet visit with my mom, which is what I think I needed, and maybe she needed too? We really just sat around her house watching DVR’d episodes of Maury and Jerry Springer and Steve Wilkos. I took her mini-van for a couple little drives, mostly to Silverdale… I went by muscle memory and was able to find the house I lived in when I was in Bremerton – the same blinds were up in my old bedroom. I found the mall, I bought a new bra (because the one I bought as a post-surgery gift to myself finally crapped out, 2.5 years later) and I went to Target and got myself my first pair of Converse sneakers.
Because I insisted mom not take time off work while I was there, I hopped the ferry on Monday morning for the fastest jaunt to Seattle ever. I also wanted to see if I would still feel, what I call, “The Skyline Rush” (I so just made that up). Basically, because you can’t see Seattle from Bremerton, you are on the ferry for a good 20 minutes or so before it turns a corner and the cityskape starts to unfold in front of you. When I lived out there I was 20, and I remember even blogging about how amazing the view of the skyline made me feel. It made me feel like I could accomplish anything – that I would eventually find my way and I could be successful. Ironically, it was leaving Western Washington that would start the journey to where I am today. It might be that very reason why I felt much more content and excited when I was on the ferry BACK to Bremerton. Not that I didn’t feel a rush with the cityscape, or enjoy my time walking around Pike Street or finding a little yarn store… but I also had a panic attack on the way into the city, just before I saw the skyline. It was not very fun, and may have tainted my big-city dream.
But on the way back to Bremerton, I stayed on the balcony outside as long as I could stand (it was chilly!) and I didn’t look back at Seattle fading away – instead I looked towards the other ferry dock that would eventually lead me back to my own living room where, you know what? Life isn’t so awful.