Archive for Chicago

Live it out loud…

November 13, 2008 at 11:30 am · Filed under aches & pains, Chicago, debt, exercise, family, life, motivation, self esteem, volunteering, weight

OK.. brain dump about to commence:

I’ve had 2 sessions with PJ.  Last week was my first and I felt good afterwards and confident I’d be able to complete my ‘homework’, which was to make sure I got to the gym twice during the week to do cardio. 

I failed my homework by not going at all.

I don’t know if it was my failed homework, or if she was just trying to push more or what, but last night.  Holy Jesus did she kick my ass.  The first thing she did was get a stair-stepper, put it to it’s highest setting and then put 2 30lb weights on it.  I laughed a little as she walked over with the weights because I half-expected she was going to make me do something with them, but no.  She put the stair-stepper with the weights atop it parallel to a column.  She then got one of those little stretchy exercise bands, put it around the column and said, “Ok, use these for stability and do your squats – your butt should barely touch the weights.”  I had to do 15 of these.

Then there were other exercises, and 15 more squats.

More exercises, and another 15 more squats.

Two different exercises and just when I thought I was done she had me do 15 more squats.

In case you lost count?  60 squats.  “See, if I had told you at the start of the hour you’d be doing 60 squats you would have run away.”  She’s totally right.

Anyhow, I’m super amped up today and hope it lasts throughout the day so that I go home, toss on my gym clothes, and go do my cardio tonight.  My legs don’t hurt so much today, but I know they will tomorrow – and I REALLY won’t want to go tomorrow.

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I had to bail on Morrie this Monday because I had had a headache that had gone on for over a week and decided to go to the doctor to make sure something serious wasn’t going on.  The doctor attributed it to girly matters and when I asked why I’d suddenly get splitting headaches when that was never a side-effect before she said, “welcome to your thirties.”  Ugh. 

Anyhow, it was good that I went because I found out a test I had earlier this year was abnormal and I was supposed to go in for a follow-up in 6 months.  Turns out that 6 months is THIS month, so I’ve got another dr’s appointment next Monday.  Here’s hoping all goes well with that and the abnormal test result was a fluke.

But, going back to Morrie, I’m going to go visit him tomorrow night after work.  He’s a pleasure to talk to and have I mentioned he’s an amazing painter? 

This weekend is also the Chicken Luncheon for the hospital group I’m volunteering for (how I met Morrie).  Andi is going to come along with me and we’re going to talk with seniors, wrap gifts for the holidays, and…I’m not sure what else but it should be fun!

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I took a tele-class earlier this week about finding my inner “Greatness”.  I was a little indifferent about the class at first, but I’m rethinking some of the lessons we did during the class and finding out different things about myself that I wasn’t hyper-aware of.  The best thing I got from it was an assignment (I seem to get alot of those lately) to ask people who are near and dear to me to name a couple of things that make me “great” in their eyes.  Sure, it sounds like fishing for compliments, and maybe it is a little bit, but honestly? It was EXACTLY what I needed.  Amazingly enough, the best response from the emails I sent out came from my own mother.  I know deep down she loves me, but we’re not a verbal family when it comes to positive topics.  It’s nice to know that she doesn’t think some of the choices I’ve made are awful, which is what I thought she saw.

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Operation Grow the Heck Up is about to commence.  This is the title of my budgeting plan and my attempt to get my credit back on track.  Rent is officially caught up (and even paid early for November), and I will be starting on the other cards officially at the start of the new year – but doing some small steps now in prep for it, such as making sure my utilities are caught up and I have groceries in the house and in general just having a better understanding of where my money is going.  I opened a second bank account and will set aside a set amount per paycheck as my “play” money.  I’ll use this for when I want yarn, or a concert ticket, or to go have drinks/dinner with friends.  The main account will simply be used to pay off bills and nothing more.  I’m literally going to freeze the checkcard (as in, put it in the freezer in a block of ice) and write checks for groceries and bills.

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Lastly, I got a thank you card from the ex’s dad last night.  I had sent a sympathy card when I found out ex’s Grandma had passed away.  She had made the trek out to Chicago a couple years ago for my graduation and she always seemed pleased to see me when we’d visit CT.  His card to me was short and sweet, but very loving.  I miss that family so very much… I wish breaking up with one person didn’t mean you lost other people in the fray as well, but I can’t dwell on it too much.  I know how they feel about me, and they know how I feel about them.  The fact that my ex is out of the picture doesn’t change that.

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I’d still vote for Jed Bartlett if I could.

November 4, 2008 at 9:13 am · Filed under being a democrat, Chicago

This is what my sticker would look like, IF THEY WERE GIVING THEM OUT AT MY POLLING LOCATION.  I just asked one of our admins if she’d print this out for me just so I could wear it.  I got a receipt, but it’s just not the same as the little sticker.

In 1996, I was 18, eligible and registered to vote.  To be quite honest, I cared very very little about politics and ignored most of what was said if only for the fact that I was working for a very, very conservative Republican who made us keep the Rush Limbaugh show on – if my boss walked in the front area (I worked in a print shop, helping customers) and Rush wasn’t on, he’d change the dial on the radio.  I hated Rush Limbaugh, and still do to this day.

However, in 1996, my best friend was dating a girl whose father was running for Mayor of Palm Bay, Florida (Google John Mazziotti- he doesn’t have his own Wikipedia page, but he should) and I thought it would be cool as heck to say the Mayor’s daughter was dating my best friend.  Since I didn’t know crap about Clinton, and knew my uber conservative boss was rooting for Dole, I decided to cast my vote for the 1996 election to Ross Perrot. These days, I think most people would agree it was a wasted vote – and in FLORIDA, no less, but this was before Florida became the laughing stock of the voting population.

In 2000 I did not vote.  I joke about how it probably didn’t matter because I was in Florida at the time and who knows if my vote would have counted, but in reality… I know I should have.  I was still of the mindset though that I really didn’t know, or care, about politics.

Between 2000 and 2004, I started to pay attention.  In the simplest terms, I was dating a guy who loved the show The West Wing and while watching it with him, I began to ask questions.  I began to wonder if it were possible to live in a world where someone like Jed Bartlett could actually BE president.  Someone who spoke well, encouraged Americans, and gave us all hope for the future.  I knew George Bush was no Jed Bartlett so when the 2004 election came around, I paid attention.  I volunteered to help sign people up to vote, while my ex did his part by becoming an election judge.  I watched the debates, I formed opinions, and I cast my vote (now in Illinois) for John Kerry.

When Kerry lost it was like someone punched me in the stomach.  I was devastated.

Today, 2008, I was in line at my polling place at 5:45am.  I was about the 20th person in line, but I made it in, and I cast my vote.  I’ve watched all the debates, I’ve read up on both candidates (and their potential VP’s), and I’ve made a choice I believe in.  I know I’ve got a really bad voting track record, but I sincerely hope that at the end of today I will be able to say that this man is our new president: 

And if, for some unknown, cruel twist of fate he is not?  Well, get me on that bus heading towards Canada because 8 years really WAS enough for me.

Go Obama!

 

PS – I will not be at the Obama Rally in downtown Chicago tonight, but I will be in the Loop.  Broadway in Chicago had a deal on tickets to either Wicked, Jersey Boys or Dirty Dancing – I’m going to see Dirty Dancing.  I hope the chaos of the rally doesn’t leak too far north into the loop, and I’ll be home in time to watch the story unfold as the polls close on the west coast.

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Take every chance you dare…

October 15, 2008 at 9:29 am · Filed under anxiety, bummed, Chicago, dating, family, Josh, life, love, motivation, rants, self esteem, volunteering

Wondering your own self-worth is never really a good thing and this week I’ve been doing a whole hell of a lot of it.
Therefore, in an effort to help boost my own self-confidence, I’m going to attempt to list 10 good things about myself. If you know me at all, I encourage you to please help me add to this list – yes, I’m fishing, but if I don’t start thinking more positively about myself, then, well… it ain’t going to be pretty.

This list is in no particular order:

1. I have a pretty sweet-ass job. The people I work with are nice, I’ve been allowed to travel (back to a place where I know people, no less), and I’m, for the most part, left to do what I think I do best – design. I’m nearing in on the 1-year mark here and I hope to make it to many more.

2. I have this amazing family… While things can be rocky on one side of the continent, I know I can always call my mother and tell her anything. She may not say anything I want to hear back, but in the end, I know she means well. On the other side I’ve got aunts, uncles, cousins… all these people care about me and they say I love you when they call or write and they live like the picturesque version of family I imagine in my head.

3. My friends are incredible. Between the gals at knitting and the people I’ve known all my life, I know who to call if I need a laugh or if I need to simply cry.

4. I have a roof over my head thanks to a very understanding landlord. While it’s a small little place, it’s spitting distance to the lake and very convenient for public transit.

5. I live in CHICAGO. Where there is theater and concerts and amazing restaurants… where I don’t need a car!

6. I’m willing to try most things at least once. This summer was a true testament of that – I danced, I sailed, I flew from a trapeze.

7. I’m going to be a volunteer very soon. I got my TB test this morning, and go back on Friday to have it looked at. By the end of this month I will have my very own ‘Morrie’ (which is what I’m going to call him from here on out because 1. I’m told I’ll be visiting a man who is an artist and 2. Hello? Tuesdays with Morrie? It’s perfect!)

8. People tell me I’m beautiful. Though, to be honest, I sometimes doubt the validity of this – when I polled men-friends of mine and asked them what my best attributes were, 3 of them immediately responded that I had a nice rack.

9. I’m a college graduate. Which, for a multiple-time high-school drop-out, that’s a pretty big deal. I have friends who have their high school diploma who never bothered with college.

10. Even when I’m feeling lonely, I’m never really alone – and if I am, it’s of my own doing.

 

…Ok, this list helps, but it still feels a little like bullshit that I have to tell myself these things in order to feel better about myself. It also still makes me wonder if I’m so fan-fucking-tastic, why am I alone in the romantic sense? Again, pulling notes from Josh’s book of whatnot, he’s pointed out to me that there have been men that were interested but I’ve pushed away because of one reason or another. I need to be ok with not-clicking with people and I need to be ok knowing that I may never have a great love of my life.

I need to be ok with knowing that “me” is all I’ve got.

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Someone’s bound to hear my cry…

October 10, 2008 at 8:23 am · Filed under bummed, Chicago, life, love, motivation, stupid, volunteering, worry

I went to meet with the director of the volunteer program yesterday. I need to have a TB test done, assist with a luncheon, and pass a criminal background check and then I’m all set to be a volunteer. He handed me a rather large handbook to look over.

I thought of another reason I wanted to do this specific program while I was on my way to the hospital yesterday. See, back in 2004 when I ended up in the hospital with my blood clot, it was a different hospital, but they both fall under the same umbrella of health care providers. Anyhow, when my hospitalization happened I was a student, I had no health insurance, and was working part-time. My bill was over $17K and the hospital, through one of it’s many programs that have since been cut due to this whole financial crisis, was written off in its entirety. I know it’s 4 years later and now I’m getting around to ‘repaying’ them, but… yeah.

Other stuff:

I’m sad. Just, plain ol sadness. After watching Grey’s Anatomy last night I just sat in my chair for a minute and cried. I know part of it is being lonely, but I don’t know what all of it is about. I know I could have picked up a phone and called someone, but I think I more or less was hoping someone would have picked up on my sadness through osmosis or something and made me feel better about myself.

And I know it’s wrong to expect someone else to solve my problems, which makes me feel even more sad that I can’t figure this shit out for myself.

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On a mission to better myself.

October 1, 2008 at 7:18 am · Filed under Chicago, family, life, motivation, self esteem, volunteering

So Josh just called to tell me that what I told him last night about my latest idea, or endeavor, or whatever you want to call it…  he wanted to say he was proud of me and thought that it was a good thing for me to do.  “Like something out of a feel-good movie,” he said.   I am tickled that he called to tell me so, but as of yet the only thing I did was sign up on a website, send a couple emails to a director, and set up an appointment.

The big thing is this: I signed up yesterday with http://www.1-800-volunteer.org/.  I looked through the volunteer opportunities that were close to home and found one that caught my eye:

The role the friendly visitors play in our long-term care program is incalculable. Friendly Visitors first and foremost provide companionship to home-bound elderly persons who are isolated and in need of emotional support and friendship. Friendly Visitors also assist with such things as running errands, shopping, and telephone reassurance calls. We match volunteers with elderly who live in the same neighborhood.

Like I said above – I am not, as of yet, assigned to anyone, but I will be meeting with the coordinator of the program next week to hopefully get the ball rolling.

So, why am I doing this?  Well, I’ve come up with a few answers…

1. I am really striving to better myself, and what better way to start than to help someone else?

2. I’m realizing I need a schedule in order to not be so lazy.  Left to my own devices, if I have nothing better to do I will sit in one of my comfy chairs and watch hours and hours of tv – sometimes while knitting, oftentimes just sitting there and zoning out while my dishes fester in the kitchen sink and the catbox goes unnoticed.

3. Catholic guilt.  I can’t change the fact that I wasn’t there for my Great Aunt when she needed me, but I can hopefully feel less guilty about it by being there for someone else.

4. Volunteering just feels good.  I’ve done it before, I’ve been encouraged to do it again – but of course if someone suggests it then I’m not nearly as interested as when I come up with the idea again, several months later.

Anyhow… this is the latest undertaking in my life.  I’ll know more about it later but for now – I’m really excited 🙂  I think the praise from Josh, while nice, is still premature.  It’s nice to know that he’s behind my decision though.

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Workin’ for the weekend

September 26, 2008 at 2:46 pm · Filed under anxiety, being a democrat, books, Chicago, fluff, knitting, life, meditation, motivation, music, walking, weight

Due to financial constraints, I have a very low-key weekend planned.  I was to go to Lake Villa and attend a party, but since I don’t think I can even afford the Metra fare up there…  it’s unlikely.

Anyhow, my glamorous[1] weekend will start tonight where I will hopefully do my dishes and perhaps attempt to make what looks like a yummy WW recipe for stuffed clams.  I will also watch the presidential debate, hope McCain makes an ass of himself, and continue to knit a square for a group blanket project (I got crazy ambitious and decided to make one of my squares in a very complicated cable pattern (September is for Antony).   It’s beautiful, but who on earth has the patience to make this into a scarf??)

I have about 15 episodes of 90210 to catch up on, last week’s X and Xtra Factor (plus this week’s, if they are uploaded on time), Oprah from yesterday (which I hear had Jen Lancaster on it!) and.. I guess that’s it for TV.

I will also be checking up on a fellow knitting gal’s kitty on Saturday, which I have every intention of walking to her place – which is about a mile and a half away.  We’ll see if that happens – it SHOULD happen, because I have little in the way of bus fare.

Other than that, the normal stuff needs to happen – there’s laundry to do… there’s kitty litter to change… There’s 100 more pages of the second Twilight that I keep saying I will read and have not yet!

Oh, but what I really, REALLY want to make an effort to do is meditate.  I purchased a cd for guided meditation while I was down in Florida and I have yet to actually use it.  The medium who read me said I would benefit from it, and actually I’ve had doctors tell me it might help reduce the severity of my panic attacks. 

Anyhow, hope everyone else has lovely plans for this weekend…  Looks like here in Chi-town, this might be our last shot at “summer” weather.

[1]Am I the only one who, when they spell out glamorous, I do it to the tune of Fergie? G. L. A. M. O. R. OUS – yeah… Flying first class… up in the sky…

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Are you listening?

September 21, 2008 at 7:46 pm · Filed under Chicago, dating, daydreaming, life, love, music, pisces, questions

I am longing to be in love.

There.  I said it.

Come on, universe… throw someone good at me.  I’m convinced my soulmate (if there is such a thing) is not sitting out there on match.com or eharmony or any of those sites.  He’s not some former lover who I look at through rose-colored glasses. 

I wish I knew where the heck he was because everyone keeps telling me to stop looking for him and he’ll find me.  What if people are telling him to stop looking too?

Hear me
I’m cryin’ out
I’m ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me

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Sappy music

September 16, 2008 at 8:54 am · Filed under Chicago, music

You know, there is crap on my ipod that I am not sure why it is still there because it was music that I acquired from the ex’s tastes (very emo.. ugh), but then there’s other stuff from that same time that I run across from time to time and wonder why the heck I don’t have more of this in heavier rotation.

Today, it’s The Anniversary – The D in Detroit:

Feeling the time peel away at my life again.
As memories combine, not sure where I’ve ever been.
‘Cause it’s the D in Detroit which scares me to no end. I’ll count to ten.
When living this down makes so much sense.

We collide – and onward we do fly
We collide – and onward we do fly
Onward – until we hit again.

I kept your picture just behind the eye – those weeks when our distance grew.
Drove north where I found you waiting in Des Moines – thank God I’m not losing you.
And girl I hope you’re not alone – and sleep through this weather.
And girl I hope you’re whole again – back home we’ll sleep better.

In other news, I can’t decide if I want to fork over the money for a ticket to go see Dar Williams and Shawn Mullens or not.  I’m therefore listening to a LOT of Dar today to help me decide (that is, when I’m not running into stuff like The Anniversary.

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A lot can happen in a week

September 15, 2008 at 12:07 pm · Filed under Alzheimer's, anxiety, Chicago, dating, daydreaming, family, job stuff, Josh, knitting, life, love, motivation, nostalgia, pisces, self esteem, travel, weight

I looked at the calendar today and noticed there is exactly one week left of summer.  I noticed some of the trees were starting to change colors last week, and the weather is certainly cooler – I just, for some reason, am not ready for the official declaration of it being autumn and no longer being summer – or maybe I am.

I think much of it has to do with this spring/summer being one of the best since I moved to the city – remember last year when I was almost wishing not to have a job so I could take advantage of all Chicago had to offer int he summer and then I did lose my job and it sucked?  Well, this year has proved that I can in fact have my cake (job) and eat all the good Chicago-ness too!  Let’s take a look at what good times were had, shall we?

In April I got to go to Florida for the first time in 4 years.  I spent time with Ginny, went downtown.  I spent time with Josh, went to the beach.  I drove down A1A through Cape Canaveral and saw the house my mom and I rented once upon a time on the beach.

In May I met Jen Lancaster at a book signing (ok, “met” is a strong word…  I got my picture taken with her (said photo will be used as a good ‘before’ photo when I lose a bunch of weight)).  Andi graduated and had a birthday which meant dinner with her family and drinks with the gals from knitting group.  We also met Jemaine and Bret after the Flight of the Conchords show (2 more pics also for the before book) and I won tickets to see KT Tunstall – again.  Beth had a birthday at the end of the month and she and I had AWESOME seats to Avenue Q!  We chugged champagne before walking in the theater to see naked puppets.  Our knitting group also had the first of the BBQ’s at Beth’s place on Memorial Day.

June had some mixed feelings, but from the bad came some good.  Elizabeth had a birthday bowling party which was pretty darn fun and a few days later I got my first and only spinning lesson (spinning as in spinning yarn).  I was in a “mood” when I was with the girls, and 2 days later my mood worsened when my great aunt passed.  The good of her passing was that she did not suffer and I’m sure she’s happy to be reunited with her husband.  I also got to go see my family back east and though it was rough circumstances, it was still very good to see them.  Playing cards with my aunt, uncle and cousin still sticks out in my mind as one of the more fond memories of the week.  Neocon was also this month and despite ending a friendship after having the liquid courage of free martini’s, the martini’s were still a plus for the month!

In July we had our second BBQ at Beth’s for the 4th and then Chicago Summer Dance started.  Adrienne and I spent quite a few weekends down in Grant Park learning how to do various dances.  One of the better nights of dancing also involved us catching the fireworks from Venetian Night and ending up at the Intercontinental Hotel where we had the best Creme Brulee ever.   Jody and I took a Monday off from our respective jobs and went to Hurricane Harbor at Six Flags.  I still give her a little grief for not braving any of the slides with me, but we still had a great day on the Lazy River and the wave pool. 

August started with Lollapalooza.  I still say I’m unsure if I’ll go again next year, but I’m sure come April ’09 I’ll be buying a ticket for it anyhow.  Just before Lolla, I met Matt, which brought along some interesting dates/hanging out times throughout the month.  Even though he’s lived in/around the city all his life, we’ve still managed to go to places that are new to both of us.  We attempted to watch Blues Brothers during the movies in Grant Park, but we got rained out!  Boo!  I also fufilled a 4-year wish to be in a sailboat on Lake Michigan during August!  Next year I want to see if I can get in with a crew and learn how to SAIL the boat – riding is one thing, but the whole process of throwing the sale up and steering just looks like so much fun!

And this month.. Well, I went back to Florida and instead of running around to see EVERYONE I hadn’t seen in 4 years I instead planned on seeing only Ginny and Josh.  I was lucky to see Kristin too, and to go to Cassadaga to get a reading.  I went to the beach again and helped Josh shop for some stuff for his new place.  I treasure tete-a-tete time with Josh – it should happen more often.  I gave blood for the first time in my life last week (and my arm is still sore from it).  Over this past weekend Matt and I shared a 100$ wine flight that included wines from 1960-something and 1908!  This week we’re going to go see Batman on the Imax screen and Wednesday we’re having our first (and perhaps only) flying trapeze lesson.   I’ll be going back on the Points system for real (thanks to Jody joining it too – personal support rocks!) and I think on Friday I’m going to go to a Dar Williams concert on my own. 

And then it’ll be the weekend and Monday it will be fall.  And I’ll be ok with it because, well, that was one hell of a summer… but next year’s will be even better, right?

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When I Grow Up

September 8, 2008 at 11:35 am · Filed under anxiety, Chicago, daydreaming, life, love, rants, vague, worry

In an email where I was complaining and compiling a list of things that are currently floating around in my head, the best advice came across my screen: Today is not a day to make decisions.

It’s so true.  With the mindset I am in today, I’m likely to make a decision I’d regret later, so why make any at all?  Instead, I’m trying not to stew.  I’m trying not to be upset.  I’m trying not to post something on the internet that would be words I couldn’t take back at a later date.

So, instead, you get this:

I’ve heard it’s possible to grow up. I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it.

Without parents to defy we break the rules we make for ourselves.

We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way.

We whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark.

We look for comfort where we can find it.

And we hope. Against all logic. Against all experience.

Like children, we never give up hope.

That, of course, is a quote from Grey’s Anatomy, Episode 18 of Season 2, entitled, “Yesterday.”

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